Loopty-Loo

If the Andersons weren't busy getting excessive amounts of sun at the local Y growing up, you could most likely find us at Six Flags. We LOVED riding roller coasters--the bigger the better. I can remember the first time I rode the Shockwave. It was the one right by the interstate and I always cringed as I watched people go upside down not once, but TWICE! I'm pretty sure I cried the whole way through the line, but Daddy insisted that I try it. Turns out, I loved everything about it and begged to ride it again! The best thing was when you were done riding and there was no line, so you got to stay on board for another round.

You wanna know what my least favorite roller coaster is? This one. The high points have been higher and longer lasting than they've been to date, but the lows drop faster than anything the Tower of Terror has ever seen.

People probably don't really care to read my sob story about the sadness I deal with/overcome/succumb to daily or the nostalgia of every special day, but I want to keep this memory to remind myself of everything I've dealt with in days to come, and, possibly, provide some sense of normalcy for someone else experiencing a similar pain. If you're in the former group, just stop reading now ;)

This past weekend I went to "Granny G's Christmas." It's the one time of year that all of my grandma's extended family gets together down in Fayette, AL to eat, laugh, and play games. We didn't go last year because we went to NOLA to cheer on my sister-in-law Melissa in her first 1/2 marathon. So, this was my first one to attend without Bradford since we've been together. I had a really great week and started off the day with the best of intentions to remain as upbeat as I could, even though the memories flooded me, starting with the first ice patch I dodged before I even got to Main St. You see, today marks 5 years since that sweet fella asked me to marry him.

 

I love that he proposed in the living room of the house I live in today :)

 This crazy guy drove down to MS to ask my family's blessing to marry me {after meeting them only once, I might add!}  He cooked my favorite meal and I called him Lucifer for asking me to stray from my diet #CLUELESS

There goes my fiance, y'all!  I couldn't wait for him to never have to leave at night again.  And don't worry; my walls aren't green anymore ;)

The following weekend was the annual Christmas gathering. It snowed so much that week, but there was NO WAY I wasn't making the trek down to show off my man and my bling!

Ice, Ice Baby!  The funny thing about this picture is that I took it right in front of the house we ended up living in!

Look at these BABIES!

 

            I told myself early on in my grief that I’m committed to feeling whatever it is that I’m feeling and riding it out.  I can’t tell you how frustrating it is to think I’m doing okay and then to be punched in the chest, barely able to breathe.  It is indescribable.  I also decided that I’m going to celebrate, commemorate, and whatever other –ate word you wanna throw in there during any memorable time this first year without him…who knows how comfortable I'll feel to be able to freely do that in the future.  He was a guy worthy of remembering and celebrating and was the best thing that ever happened to me.  Although it’s tearing me apart, tonight I am reminiscing and am so grateful for the night he asked me to be Mrs. Bradford Higgins. :)

So, I've started dating someone...

Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.

Deuteronomy 31:6 

Well guys…I’ve found something!  It kind of came out of nowhere and has honestly knocked the wind out of me!  I had some experience with it in high school and thought I understood it then.  It came in brief spurts in college, but it never really lasted.  Boy, was I surprised when I found it in my marriage!

Last week I shared an article on Facebook which pretty well summed up many of the emotions I’ve felt as a widow.  You can find it here.  A sweet lady, who lost her husband 5 years ago, told me the only thing she would have added to the list is not being someone’s #1.  Not being someone’s #1.  If you’re a widow trying to come to terms with your life, THAT kind of hits you square in the face when you internalize it.   When she said it, that’s when it really sank in that what I was experiencing in a way I haven’t yet is loneliness that's lonelier than simply being lonely {say that 10 times fast}.

Last week was a pretty terrible one.  The kind where I didn’t really want to go anywhere, but I didn’t really want to stay home either...where I wanted to be surrounded by people, but I wanted to be left alone. The crazy thing is that I've actually been doing really "well" lately!  It is becoming all too clear that I am nobody on Earth’s #1 {except for my sweet Ollie baby’s!}, nor do I have one.  I don’t say this to receive pity or to make anyone feel like they need to do something for me…it’s just a sad reality that I'm working through.  Everyone who feels the void where Bradford Higgins once stood has their own levels of grief to work through, none being better or worse, just “different.”  Something that has pained me time and time again is that no matter how much anyone who misses him is hurting, they still have their #1s to hold them and help them through and I don't.  I've missed him for a million reasons, and his comfort is close to the top of the list.

In watching 2 of my best friends’ kids this week, I was reminded of something that we can learn from little ones.  Self-soothing.  Of course Paxton and Millie would prefer to be with their sweet Mommas rather than spend time alone, but they (at least Pacman!) know that sometimes you’ve just gotta stick that thumb in your mouth and self-soothe yourself to sleep.  YOU are enough!

 It’s interesting to me that I’ve faced the fact that you can’t base your joy on your spouse, and I talked about that months ago here, but it took me until THIS WEEK to realize that I can’t base it on any other person either.  I really thought I was letting God be my “go to” and be the source of all that I need…I was slapped in the face with the truth that I really haven’t been.  If I base my joy on the state of relationships I’m in with anybody but Him, I am going to be disappointed at some time or another.  People are busy, have their own #1s to look after, and sometimes even let you down.  It's human nature! The same can be said when people love or count on me, and that’s becoming all too clear, as well.

There's no way I could face any of the grief I’ve experienced if I

1) didn't count on God to help me

2) wasn't open to the lessons I could learn, or

3) couldn't attempt to see the positive in it.

Why say any of this?  I want to remind the world {er, umm...the precious few who have made it this far! Ha!} that although earthly relationships can be WONDERFUL and a TREMENDOUS BLESSING, it can be devastating to let your identity be wrapped up in someone else’s.  Love them. Respect them. Make memories.  Dream of new ones.  KNOW THAT THEY CAN VANISH IN AN INSTANT!  And if they do, what will you do then?

Sometimes it is hard to say things the way I mean them, and then to take it a step further, make sure they are understood correctly. There's a lot going on in this brain and I don't always choose the right words to let those thoughts out. I promise I haven't become a cynical psycho! The important things in this life are becoming more and more clear to me daily. It would seem as if I'm withdrawing and not putting a lot into my relationships because I know they are temporary, lasting only until one of us dies; it’s just the opposite. My aim is Heaven, and I plan to enjoy the time I have with those I love until I get there.

Many of my days are filled with work, friends, and a whole lot of busy-ness, but there is a lot of time that I’m by myself.  I love being with people, but I enjoy life with a healthy dose of alone time, too.  My problem with alone time this week has been my attitude towards it.  I've held on to the promise of Deut. 31:6, but sometimes it's hard to know what that looks like in MY life, right where I'm at in 2015. {My eyes are open, Jennifer!}  My goal is to transform my times of loneliness into meaningful times of solitude.  I read this quote and found it kind of empowering, totally changing my time alone this weekend.

 

So, just to be sure we're on the same page:

1) Love the people in your life.

2) Realize your time with them is brief and oh so temporary.

3) Build your faith on God and know that He will be your constant.

4) Even when you’re alone, you’re not alone.

Grandma Bailey is full of wise words

So who is this mysterious person I’m dating?!

Myself.

and I LOVE her!

I've gotten to know her better than ever, and although she is flawed, she's a pretty cool person to hang out with...alone or with a group of people.

I came to another conclusion this week.  I honestly don’t want to be anyone’s #1…EVER AGAIN!  I would actually kind of love to be someone’s #2 some day…

H - E - Double Hockey Sticks

Writing this blog has been one of the best, most therapeutic things I could have done for myself in 2014. Through it I have forced myself to face many harsh realities and received numerous unexpected blessings. I've been able to share "my story" with the world and expose others to a slight glimpse of the agony and pain associated with grief. In doing so, I not only learned about myself; I learned a lot about people.

I'm not the only one hurting.

A lot of people have the desire to be validated and understood.

Most people want to be there for those who are suffering but just don't know how.

Many people are suffering from things worse* than me.

The woman who is sitting bedside as she watches her father suffer from a brain tumor. The infant whose mother is away in rehab. The 7 year old who just celebrated her first Christmas and birthday without her daddy. The woman who fights for her marriage while her husband continually neglects the vows he made to her. The little boy who only knows his father through short visits in prison. The little boy who doesn't even know who his father is. The mom who bailed her son out once again because of his drug usage. The guy diagnosed with a mental illness and struggles to figure out all that accompanies it.

The list could go on and on. And on and on. These are just a few that have weighed heavy on my heart recently. I've been grateful that I'm not May Boatwright from The Secret Life of Bees because I'm afraid y'all might've found me in the river under a heavy rock after stuffing hundreds of notes in the wishing wall long ago. {Prayer does more than any of those silly notes would, anyways.} The burdens of this world are seemingly impossible to bear at times.

But you've gone through hell, Brittany.
Actually, no I haven't, but thanks for expressing empathy in the easiest, most straightforward way you know how to verbalize your view of my pain.

When I went to bed on Bow Tie Sunday, I cried like I hadn't cried in a while. I obviously miss my husband. I wished I could have seen his face as he saw and heard each and every act and word of encouragement that day. My heart ached wondering if he knew just how deeply loved he was by so many.

Then something weird happened. As I'm in the midst of the biggest pity party I'd had in December the analogy of my life comparing to hell crossed my mind. Hell isn't:
            -Being lifted up in prayer by those you love and even by those you don't know.

-Warm embraces and whispered I love yous and I miss hims.

-Hundreds and hundreds of likes, posts, pictures, messages and texts. Times a million.
-A community of people who have rallied around me to do whatever they could to ease my burdens and pains.
-Friends and family who have dropped what they were doing to listen to me as I work through this, offered incredible words of wisdom, and displayed inhuman amounts of patience with me.
-Anything close to what I've found in being a part of the Lord's church; the community of love, encouragement and Promise found within it have been emphatically beneficial to my emotional and spiritual well-being.

My moment of overwhelming turmoil somehow shifted to an attitude of gratitude. My heart ached for those who are pained with a grief that isn't being supported the same way as mine. For those who are dealing with a pain that isn't public; that can't be acknowledged, prayed for by others, or remotely understood or even considered. There are countless people in our everyday lives who are battling their own levels of depression, sadness, anger, or silent pain that aren't receiving the help they so desperately need.

Even THAT is not Hell.

It's hard to imagine a place that is more cruel than this world; a place that has a sting worse than disease, addiction, betrayal, and even the loss of someone we love. 

...and will cast them into the furnace of fire.  There will be wailing and gnashing of teeth. 

Matthew 13:42

There have been times that I have literally cried out for Jesus to return or for The Lord to take me on home because simply breathing was too painful. {I never realized the true and INTENSE physical pain that accompanies grief until this. It's unreal :( } Have I survived it? Only by the hair of my chinny chin chin {SICK!} some days, but Hope has gotten me through.

Although encouragement is so...well, encouraging, I don't write or speak things with a positive twist to receive a pat on the back or any glory for it. Thanks be to GOD for any amount of joy, peace, and understanding we can have in this crazy world. It's amazing how God can take little**, ol' sinful me and allow me to see even the smallest specks of beauty in this disastrous painting titled 2014. If you don't see Him doing the same in your life, it's not because He doesn't want to. Are you letting Him?

I've never actually heard anybody say they wanted to go to hell, but have often wondered if some really want to go to heaven. Want to know what I think the scariest verses in the Bible are?
Matthew 7:21-23 “Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven. Many will say to Me in that day, ‘Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in Your name, cast out demons in Your name, and done many wonders in Your name?’ And then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness!’

 

Who is he talking about? People who proudly proclaim their disbelief in God? Murders? Thieves? Liars? Nope. I can't imagine how ashamed people who are purposely disobedient will feel on that day. These are God-loving people who believe they are doing great things in the name of The Lord! How am I different from them? Or am I?

I've not been through hell, don't plan to take up residency there, and I don't want you to, either. I LOVE studying this with people and plan to have a group/individuals get together very soon to look at what the Bible has to say about it. Please contact me if you're interested! :)

*Worse is a very relative term. The perspective we CHOOSE plays a big part in determining its meaning.

**Compared to the Hulk I am little. Again, that perspective thing. ;)