I know countless people from various
places. Spending my childhood in TX,
growing up in MS, going to college with people from EVERYWHERE in TN, traveling
to Africa several times, and marrying a sweet fella from KS have given me quite
the group of acquaintances, friends, and chosen family throughout my lifetime. Life
has taken me far away from some of those who are nearest and dearest to
me. I can imagine {and have witnessed}
people being super polite with their condolences, but still wanting to know “the
story of how it happened.” Few have
actually asked but I am willing to open myself up to share with those I’m close
with. And with those who are just nosey
intrigued. That’s ok, too. Thank you for sharing this pain with me.
This isn’t an easy one…
April 8 started like any other
morning. I got up and ready for school,
woke Bradford up and he made my lunch before getting ready for work.
{#spoiled} I always gave him a 10 minute
warning before I left for the day. It
was just a normal Tuesday. Bradford was
about to hop in the shower and I kissed him goodbye before I left. Who knew this would be the last time I would
ever look into my Hun’s eyes?! :(
We sent a
few texts throughout the day, mostly business {Walmart list, taxes, ya know,
boring grown up stuff}. However, I got a
sweet text from him just as I sat down to eat my lunch:
This was our last conversation.
Wanna know something embarrassing?
THIS is the last thing he ever heard from me…
HA! We had this thing where we’d lay on the couch
and I’d scratch
his head and he’d
scratch my leg. It’s the little things :)
He had a busy day of sessions, I
had a full day of school and had a Review Club meeting that night. My sweet friend Stacie picked me up for our
meeting along with our {very pregnant} friend Sylvia. We visited for a little while and had dinner
before we started the meeting. After we
ate I went to my purse to get my chapstick.
Do you ever have moments that you recall with such clarity?
*I can remember starting to dig down in my purse to check my
phone before going to the living room, but I decided not to because I determined
I am WAY too addicted to that silly thing.
I have no idea what time that was
or if it would have made any difference.
I might have seen that Bradford called, but I know I wouldn’t have
returned it until I was leaving unless he texted me saying to call him. It was a longer meeting than normal that
night because we were trying to decide who would be the recipients of our
scholarships. The 3 of us left around 9:00. I looked at my phone and saw that my
brother-in-law, Tyler, sent a text at 7:15 to see if it was a good time for us
to FaceTime with him, Allison, and sweet baby James. I was just writing him back when I received a
phone call. It was Krystal, my friend
and school’s secretary. We rarely text
and never call especially at that time of night. She asked me if I was at home {remember, my
car was at home since we carpooled}. I
said no but that I would be home in literally 30 seconds. We were just up the street. She said that someone had been trying to call
me. He would be calling me and I needed
to answer the phone. I was like
ooookkkk?! Is everything alright?! She said just answer your phone. I told the girls that I just got the
strangest phone call from Krystal. Right
about that time we took the fork to the right and got on my street. You know those moments of clarity I talked
about?
*Yellow lights reflecting off my white house
*Police car turning around to come back in front of the
house
I felt my mouth get dry and my
stomach sink. In all honesty, I had NO
idea what was happening. The worst didn’t
even cross my mind. I told the girls to
stay in the car and I would see what was up.
*A big, black man whom I’d never seen before came down the
hill and asked me who I was.
I don’t remember the exact
conversation about him asking me if I was Bradford Higgins’ wife. It seemed like we were stuck in that moment for
5 minutes. The next thing I knew, Stacie
and Sylvia hopped out of the car and came by my side. The cop asked who they were. He was so hesitant to tell me whatever it was
he needed to say. {I was still clueless
at this point.}
*“I’m so sorry to tell you this, but your husband, Bradford
Higgins, was killed in a car accident in Trenton this evening.”
This is where
clarity and fog begin intermingling quite intensely.
“Are you sure it was him?”
“Didn’t he work for Youth Villages? Wasn’t he in session in Dyer today?”
*Falling to my knees by the seemingly betraying buttercups
in my yard
I don’t really like reliving this
moment, but I can remember looking up to him and saying, “Bradford JAMES
Higgins?!” “Yes ma’am.”
The time frame here is really
skewed in my mind. I remember Krystal
coming over just moments after that. I
remember the policeman asking if there was anything he could do. We had him to take Sylvia home {It didn’t occur
to me that her husband would be FREAKING OUT about a policeman dropping off his
wife who was 8 months pregnant!}. Stacie’s
sister Glenda came to take us to Humboldt where the ambulance had taken him.
I went inside and got Ollie, our 1 year
old miniature dachshund, to take him outside to potty. I couldn’t even stand. There really aren’t any words to describe how
surreal this moment in time really was.
I noticed that Bradford called at 7:02 and left a voicemail. I couldn’t bring myself to listen to it yet. What if he was leaving me a voicemail when it
happened? IF this is even real…
Glenda drove Stacie’s car to
Humboldt. I couldn’t really speak. My legs were shaking uncontrollably. Breath was hardly even reaching my lungs.
*That long, dark road to Humboldt
The whole way I was thinking that
maybe there has been a mistake. Maybe
there was just some kind of misunderstanding and he would call me soon. He would show up and say I was on some hidden
camera show. {What a sick joke…}
THIS.JUST.COULDN’T.BE.REAL.
Then another gut-wrenching thought
crossed my mind—if this IS real, how in the world am I going to tell his
parents? Sisters? My family?
How does someone even prepare for this?
I don’t know if I can do this. I
CAN’T do this!
*Praying down that long, dark road to Humboldt
We made a wrong turn and I could
seriously feel my heart beating out of my chest wanting to scream GET ME TO MY
HUSBAND! When we arrived at the ER, I
had Glenda to get out and find out where I needed to go. I just could not go and stand in the lobby
and explain who I was.
*Stacie turning around in the front seat, grabbing my hand,
and praying with me. What peace in that unsettling
moment
This is another pretty difficult
part to relive. Glenda got us to come in
and a nurse showed us the way to the room we needed to go to. Inside the room were the Lt. and
coroner. They introduced themselves and
we sat down in this dirty room. Long
story short he explained that Bradford crossed the yellow line and hit an F250
head-on. The conversation continued and I
remember asking if he suffered.
*He assured me that he died on impact.
(Sidenote: Typing
this out is so surreal. I can’t believe
this is
real life. Even 11 weeks later.)
*The Lt. flipping a driver’s license between his fingers
When the officer in Brownsville
told us we would be going to Humboldt to meet with the Lt. I only assumed that I
was going to identify him {Again, so weird to say}. They asked me if I wanted to go see his body.
*Glenda standing in front of me with her hands on my
shoulders. Telling me that she knows I
want to see him, and I will see him, but tonight just might not need to be that
night.
There are just not enough words to
say thank you for the wisdom of that precious woman there with me that
night. I am so grateful that I made the
choice not to see him. I know without a
doubt I would have if she had not said that to me. I can’t imagine the images that would haunt
me. It was important to me to be able to
at least see his driver’s license, to have some kind of proof that it was
him.
*Seeing his sweet face on his driver’s license
The officer asked if I wanted to
take his things with me. I don’t think I
really understood what he meant and was pretty hysterical in saying that I didn’t. There was not much more left to say. They asked if I wanted them to call our
families. I could not imagine how I would
do that myself, but I really couldn’t imagine them receiving an impersonal call
from a stranger giving them the worst news they could ever receive.
They showed me to the “chapel.” Stacie and Glenda gave me a moment to make my
calls…except my phone wouldn’t work in this tiny closet of a room. I went outside to the car make the
calls. I don’t know how long I sat there
looking at the phone before I had the courage to click on Dennis’ name. Their lives were about to be changed. Forever.
They only had a few more moments before their worlds would be turned
upside down. I can’t imagine facing a
more difficult moment in my life. Ever.
*”I don’t know how to say this”
*”WHAT?!?!?!?!?!”
After talking with him I tried
calling my mom. Again. Again.
I tried calling my dad’s phone, knowing that he usually keeps his phone
in his hat in the kitchen or charging in the living room. No answer.
WHY DON’T PEOPLE HAVE LANDLINES ANYMORE?! Oh, right.
Because NOBODY has landlines anymore.
My brother, Bradley, moved back home a few months before, so I tried
calling him. No answer. I don’t remember if I called one or two more
times. He answered and I asked if he was
at home. He was so I had him to have
Momma call me back.
*”OH NO!!!!!!!!!!”
*Imagining her fall to her knees
Glenda drove us back and I received
a couple of phone calls. I got one of
the most helpful blessings in one of those calls. After about 5 minutes of silent crying on the
phone, my dad gave me a little bit of advice.
He said the following:
*“There are a lot of people who are going to say a lot of
things to you in the days to come. They
mean well, but some of these things are going to be hurtful. You need to know and remember that they don’t
mean to hurt you. It is coming from a
good place; they just don’t know what to say.”
Wow. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to
remind myself of that. How many feelings
I didn’t allow to be hurt because I knew this truth…
When we got back to my house, Stacie
stayed for a few minutes. We decided I would
stay at her house and bring Ollie with me.
I needed a shower and she needed to take Duke {her boxer} to her mom’s. It seemed like I’d be okay to be alone for
that short amount of time. To have my
first moments completely alone.
A few minutes later I got a phone
call from Jody {a funeral director from Lea & Simmons, a former student’s
dad, and a colleague’s husband}. He
spent some time offering condolences and kind words. I had no idea how thankful I would be that it
would be him that I’d be working with. The
next moment was super weird and surreal.
*He asked for my permission to embalm him.
I said yes. Wait? Do I have another option? {realizing
what the other option was} Oh. Yes. I couldn’t help but think SURELY HE WILL BE
POSITIVE THAT HE IS GONE BEFORE HE DOES THAT!
Before I got my shower I decided to
listen to his voicemail.
*”Hey, Sweetie! I’m
sorry it’s taken me so long, but I’m just now leaving Dyer so I should be home
around 8ish. Umm just calling to let you know that I was on my way. I love you and hope that you’ve had a great
day. I’ll see you when I get there.”
I am obviously sobbing at this
point. All I can imagine is him being in
Paradise…and ME seeing HIM when I get there!
What an amazing visualization. What
an amazing REALITY. Lord, come quickly!
For as long
as I’ve known him every personal email Bradford sent had the following verses
listed:
Philippians
1:21- For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain.
Philippians 3:20- For our
citizenship is in heaven, from which we also eagerly wait for the Savior, the
Lord Jesus Christ.
My, oh MY, what he
gained in that citizenship that night.
“Nothing could take
away this “beautiful” ache.”
“But if I could go
back I wouldn’t change a thing. I’d love
you all over again.”
I have so many amazing things to
tell about in the following moments, hours, and days to come. Those things will get their due time to be
heard. For now I’m going to indulge in
the pity of the worst day of my life. :(
