So, I've started dating someone...

Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.

Deuteronomy 31:6 

Well guys…I’ve found something!  It kind of came out of nowhere and has honestly knocked the wind out of me!  I had some experience with it in high school and thought I understood it then.  It came in brief spurts in college, but it never really lasted.  Boy, was I surprised when I found it in my marriage!

Last week I shared an article on Facebook which pretty well summed up many of the emotions I’ve felt as a widow.  You can find it here.  A sweet lady, who lost her husband 5 years ago, told me the only thing she would have added to the list is not being someone’s #1.  Not being someone’s #1.  If you’re a widow trying to come to terms with your life, THAT kind of hits you square in the face when you internalize it.   When she said it, that’s when it really sank in that what I was experiencing in a way I haven’t yet is loneliness that's lonelier than simply being lonely {say that 10 times fast}.

Last week was a pretty terrible one.  The kind where I didn’t really want to go anywhere, but I didn’t really want to stay home either...where I wanted to be surrounded by people, but I wanted to be left alone. The crazy thing is that I've actually been doing really "well" lately!  It is becoming all too clear that I am nobody on Earth’s #1 {except for my sweet Ollie baby’s!}, nor do I have one.  I don’t say this to receive pity or to make anyone feel like they need to do something for me…it’s just a sad reality that I'm working through.  Everyone who feels the void where Bradford Higgins once stood has their own levels of grief to work through, none being better or worse, just “different.”  Something that has pained me time and time again is that no matter how much anyone who misses him is hurting, they still have their #1s to hold them and help them through and I don't.  I've missed him for a million reasons, and his comfort is close to the top of the list.

In watching 2 of my best friends’ kids this week, I was reminded of something that we can learn from little ones.  Self-soothing.  Of course Paxton and Millie would prefer to be with their sweet Mommas rather than spend time alone, but they (at least Pacman!) know that sometimes you’ve just gotta stick that thumb in your mouth and self-soothe yourself to sleep.  YOU are enough!

 It’s interesting to me that I’ve faced the fact that you can’t base your joy on your spouse, and I talked about that months ago here, but it took me until THIS WEEK to realize that I can’t base it on any other person either.  I really thought I was letting God be my “go to” and be the source of all that I need…I was slapped in the face with the truth that I really haven’t been.  If I base my joy on the state of relationships I’m in with anybody but Him, I am going to be disappointed at some time or another.  People are busy, have their own #1s to look after, and sometimes even let you down.  It's human nature! The same can be said when people love or count on me, and that’s becoming all too clear, as well.

There's no way I could face any of the grief I’ve experienced if I

1) didn't count on God to help me

2) wasn't open to the lessons I could learn, or

3) couldn't attempt to see the positive in it.

Why say any of this?  I want to remind the world {er, umm...the precious few who have made it this far! Ha!} that although earthly relationships can be WONDERFUL and a TREMENDOUS BLESSING, it can be devastating to let your identity be wrapped up in someone else’s.  Love them. Respect them. Make memories.  Dream of new ones.  KNOW THAT THEY CAN VANISH IN AN INSTANT!  And if they do, what will you do then?

Sometimes it is hard to say things the way I mean them, and then to take it a step further, make sure they are understood correctly. There's a lot going on in this brain and I don't always choose the right words to let those thoughts out. I promise I haven't become a cynical psycho! The important things in this life are becoming more and more clear to me daily. It would seem as if I'm withdrawing and not putting a lot into my relationships because I know they are temporary, lasting only until one of us dies; it’s just the opposite. My aim is Heaven, and I plan to enjoy the time I have with those I love until I get there.

Many of my days are filled with work, friends, and a whole lot of busy-ness, but there is a lot of time that I’m by myself.  I love being with people, but I enjoy life with a healthy dose of alone time, too.  My problem with alone time this week has been my attitude towards it.  I've held on to the promise of Deut. 31:6, but sometimes it's hard to know what that looks like in MY life, right where I'm at in 2015. {My eyes are open, Jennifer!}  My goal is to transform my times of loneliness into meaningful times of solitude.  I read this quote and found it kind of empowering, totally changing my time alone this weekend.

 

So, just to be sure we're on the same page:

1) Love the people in your life.

2) Realize your time with them is brief and oh so temporary.

3) Build your faith on God and know that He will be your constant.

4) Even when you’re alone, you’re not alone.

Grandma Bailey is full of wise words

So who is this mysterious person I’m dating?!

Myself.

and I LOVE her!

I've gotten to know her better than ever, and although she is flawed, she's a pretty cool person to hang out with...alone or with a group of people.

I came to another conclusion this week.  I honestly don’t want to be anyone’s #1…EVER AGAIN!  I would actually kind of love to be someone’s #2 some day…