How do I LIVE?!

How do I live without you?

I want to know,

How do I breathe without you?

If you ever go,

How do I ever, ever survive?

How do I, how do I, oh how do I live?

How Do I Live, Leann Rimes

          If I see one more commercial about Leann Rimes coming to Tunica I just might sling the remote right through my new flat screen TV.

          I heard this song the first time I ventured to the mall since I lost him. I know I looked crazy, searching for the nearest place to sit, fire escape, exit into a black hole...

          As you fall in love and fall deeper into love it seems so natural and even expected to feel this way. Your spouse is truly your other half! We grow up learning this as a biblical truth, as well:

But from the beginning of the creation, God ‘made them male and female.’ ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’; so then they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate. (‭Mark‬ ‭10‬:‭6-9‬)

          I never realized how saturated our culture was with the phrases I couldn't live without you, I'd die without you, and Kelly Clarkson's ever famous words, my life would suck without you, until this tragedy occurred.

      
          I know I've relayed this sentiment to Bradford hundreds of times because really...once you've found the one your soul loves, you just can't fathom a life on Earth without them. I never imagined I would actually have to, not before we were 95 at least.

          Every time I witness this sentiment being expressed, it hurts me. It's a blow to my already caving in chest telling me that somehow I didn't love my husband enough because I am, indeed, living without him. It comes across that maybe their love is more powerful because they would in fact DIE without their life partner. They depend on their love more than I did on mine. They can't function without their spouse.  EVERYTHING IN LIFE will stink FOREVER if your spouse loses their life before you lose yours.

          Am I mad at anyone who says these things? Do I get angry seeing that type of lovey dovey post on Facebook? Do I wish couples wouldn't express this to one another? NO, NO, NO! In fact, it really touches me to see couples embracing their love and not wasting an opportunity to tell each other just how much they mean to them. PLEASE--I'm BEGGING you. Don't waste a moment!

Here is what I've come to realize:

          Do I feel lost without him?  Do I feel like I can't live?  Does my life suck?  These answers may vary from moment to moment.  Although I'm living, breathing, and have blood flowing through my veins, it doesn't feel right without him. I can remember talking with my good friend Sara Massey several years ago about how wild it is to go from being Miss Independent and a real go-getter to somehow feeling lost at functions without our husbands by our sides. You just get used to that warmth and comfort. Could I do things without him? Absolutely. Did I prefer his company? Every time.

          Even if {actually I should say WHEN} any of our lives are tough, we feel alone, or feel like we'll never make it, this world wasn't meant to be a place for our comfort.  Although I would never choose it, I would rather have a life full of pain and an eternity with my Father than a life free of troubles and an eternity of torture.  This has only fueled my desire for Heaven.       

          What will living without him look like in 10 years? 1 year? Tomorrow?! Only time will tell. My prayer is that I will use the rest of my time on Earth without him living a life that's full and pleasing to God. It's what God wants, it's what I want...and I know Bradford does, too. :)