It has been a while since I’ve written publicly about my
journey. I have many thoughts and
feelings I want to share, so I want to write another post or two in this “timeline”
series, remembering the weeks following my husband’s death.
I was so
anxious to be back with my in-laws on the trip back from my brother’s wedding.
There were countless times I hoped I was just
dreaming and that I would wake up and find him there with them.
I remember coming into the house late that
Sunday night to find a very solemn and sad group of people, some still in their
pajamas from the night before.
I’m not
judging…if it had been possible for me to do the same, I probably would
have.
We sat around talking and catching
up on the events from the weekend.
It
was so weird to have them in our home without him.
It just didn’t seem right!
It WASN’T right!
Having them there to cry and talk with was
just what I needed.
I’m thankful for the
time we were able to do just that during their time in TN.
It is
amazing how blurry things can become with time.
There are some events I can recall so easily and others I can’t remember
at all. That is a major part of why I want
to document these events on this blog. I
won’t forget the pain that I experienced this week. I can’t forget the conversations I had
looking into the eyes of his family, OUR family, slowly realizing that this was
our new reality.
I THINK it was
Monday morning that Bradford’s supervisor from Youth Villages came over to
retrieve his documentation from work.
It
is always good to see and visit with Kerry.
He had so many kind things to say about Bradford and his work and was
completely sincere in doing so.
I think
I can vouch more than anyone about how dedicated he was to his job and the hours
he put into it, but it was great to hear again and again how GOOD he was at it.
I’m pretty sure it was the next morning
that Tyler and Ryan {my brothers-in-law…you know, Muscles/Beanie Baby and
Rhino} took me around town to pay my bills.
We went to the bank, Time Warner Cable, and the Utility Dept.
I can remember Tyler asking, “Is this how you
always pay your bills?!”
No…that’s how
BRADFORD always paid our bills!
He
laughed and said it suited him to be so personable :)
Soon after leaving the utility dept. I got a
message saying that someone had already taken care of my utility bill and that
they would destroy the check I just left.
WHAT?!
I don’t know who the kind
soul is who did that, but I’m amazed at the kindness and generosity shown.
If you’re reading this, please know how
thankful I was and am :)
Dennis, Tyler, Ryan, and I went to
Trenton to meet with the Lt. to get the accident report that afternoon.
Although still in a fog and sense of denial,
I was in a better place to have an actual conversation with him than the
previous time I saw him.
He answered any
questions we had and even took us to the scene of the accident.
 |
| What
a view! I've said so many times that this could've happened just up
the road in front of McDonald's or the dollar store, but he went in a
pretty beautiful location. |
There really aren’t words to describe how
that felt and you can’t really imagine it unless you’ve experienced something
similar.
Lt. Wilson explained the spray
paint on the road which depicted the site of the impact and the final location
of the vehicles.
The roadside was
sprinkled with glass, plastic shards, and I even found his sunglasses.
After a while of piddling around out there,
Tyler brought me something shiny and silvery.
I COULDN’T BELIEVE IT!
Although I
received many things that were with him the night of the accident, I had not
seen this or knew anything about its whereabouts.
I only assumed it had been destroyed.
Amidst all of the rock, grass, and rubble,
Tyler found the face of the watch I had given him when he graduated with his Master’s
degree!
Here is what it looks like now:
 |
| I am thankful to have this gift and reminder of the vapor
that this life really is {James 4:14} |
After we
left the site, we met the ladies in Jackson for dinner at Coyote Blues {one of
our FAVORITES!}
Bradford always tried
different things and LOVED the duck quesadillas!
There were many of those ordered with blueberry/raspberry sauce that night in his
honor.
I can remember giggling with
Melissa at one point about how depressed we were and how sorry we felt for our
poor waiter.
It almost seemed necessary
to say that we really are fun people!
Blake
Beckham, a former classmate and current employee of FHU, came to our house to
discuss the scholarship fund with us on Wednesday.
We discussed the options we had and signed
papers finalizing our desire to create this in his memory.
I can remember my father-in-law getting teary
as he told how the endowed scholarship he received when he was a student there
is still being given today.
It is
important to us to do this to let his legacy live on.
The Bradford J. Higgins Endowed Scholarship was
established to provide funds for graduate students pursuing careers in
counseling.
Bradford and I knew the
financial struggle that came with being a full-time graduate student with a
part-time job.
His family and I wanted
to help ease the burden of future professionals who have a passion for the same
thing Bradford did: helping others through counseling.
Before the first scholarship can be given, we
must raise $30,000.
I am SO thankful for
those who have already shown such generosity.
If you are interested in donating to this fund, please visit
https://give.fhu.edu/endowedscholarships.
This link takes you directly to the online giving page and requires that you
type that you’d like to donate to the Bradford J. Higgins Endowed Scholarship.
Please let me know if you have any questions :)
Although I
knew I was exactly where I needed to be, I could not help but wonder and worry
about my precious kiddos at school and made arrangements to see them that
afternoon.
I can remember being very concerned
and prayerful about how to talk with them.
I knew that the principal and school counselor had seen them the day
after the accident and told them the horrible news.
My principal even went to the lengths of
calling each parent to let them know!
A
great friend and former teacher of mine told me about an amazing book she read
when her father passed away years ago and recommended it as one I could read to
my students.
After I read it for myself I
knew that was the best thing to do!
It
was pretty terrifying thinking about how extreme my emotions could have been as
I sat there before them.
Once I set foot
in that room every concern I had stayed in the hallway.
I will never forget the joy and excitement I felt
as I entered the room and laid eyes on my kids for the first time since my
world was turned upside down.
I had to
think quickly and make sure I had them approach me in an orderly fashion, or I’m
pretty sure there would have been a stampede!
It made this girl feel pretty good :)
As I began
reading the book, I was a little nervous that I might get emotional. That was another one of those moments that I
KNOW God helped me through. As I read
each word I COULDN’T HELP but smile, dreaming of the Day that is to come. If you’ve ever lost someone close to you or if
you want to read to a child who has lost someone close to them, I would highly
recommend The Last Place by Warren
Hanson. It is a kid-friendly book that
uses beautiful metaphors while pondering what will be. Being there with them for that short while was
JUST what I needed. That afternoon I received
an encouraging text from one of my student’s mom that I won’t forget. I just
wanted to say thank you…my child woke up on the wrong side of bed today but
when I picked him up he had the biggest smile and ray of hope in his eyes! He said, “Guess what, Mom? Ms. Brittany came to school today and read us
a book. She even gave me a hug! And you know what? She talked about Mr. Bradford without even
shedding a tear. You know, I really
think she is going to be okay, Momma!
You were right. God really is
helping her. I was reminded that day
of one reason why I went into educating young children; it doesn’t have to do
with what I teach them, but what they teach me.
I’m thankful for the power of God, even in a place He is not “allowed.”
Melissa
slept in bed with me every night since I returned to TN. {Thanks for taking the couch, Ryan!} I remember us being especially emotional that
night, crying for Jesus to come, knowing that we were 8 days closer to seeing
him again. I don’t know if any of you
out there have lost a spouse, are blind as a bat, AND slept with the sibling of
your said spouse who looks an awful lot like them when your glasses are on, and
even more so when they are off.
Wow. I lost my breath more than
once that week when I rolled over and saw her.
The
following morning we prepared to head to Kansas.
I was fortunate to be able to ride with them
there and fly back.
I had to leave Ollie
in TN with Brittany and Sophie, but I don’t think he minded :)
Since we go through Dyersburg on
the way, we stopped by Youth Villages to see Bradford’s coworkers. They were so kind and compassionate as they,
once again, told us how special he was to them and his clients. Earlier in the week they had a group session
where each of “his kids” and their foster parents came together to talk about him,
discuss their difficulties with this loss, and write letters to me stating how
he impacted them. Those were such
incredible gifts to receive and I’m so grateful they took the time to do
something so meaningful for me and his family.
I remember doing a lot of sleeping on that trip and taking a
bubble bath that night.
We spent
Friday preparing for the Celebration of Life we were having in Bradford’s
memory the next day. We went shopping for some of his favorite things and I was able to have my hand in doing something creative to remember
and celebrate him {Remember, I was sad that I didn't have the time or energy to devote to anything like that for his funeral?!}. Here are some
pictures from it:
I couldn’t help but miss him even more, considering how much
he would have loved to have been there.
I think he would have appreciated the cool touches that were so him, especially the Jalapeno Cheddar
Cheetos that everyone assumed were regular.
OOPS! ;) It was great to be able
to see so many people from Kansas who loved him and his family and wanted to
express their sorrow to us. I think we
all agreed that it was helpful to be able to see so many from their church
family in this setting before attending worship services the next morning. It was nice to meet some people that I had
heard so much about but had never had the chance to meet before.
I just wish he could have been there :(
One of
Bradford’s recent favorite movies was The
Secret Life of Walter Mitty. We
watched it at Ryan and Melissa’s house and I was reminded of why he loved it so
much. It was so him! It made me feel
strangely close to him as I remembered the two of us going to see it in theater
and listening to him go on and on about how awesome he thought it was.
The next
day was Easter and Tyler’s birthday!
It
did not seem like much of a holiday because we were all so exhausted and
emotionally drained.
Maybe we’ll be in
better spirits next year, Tyler.
After breakfast the next morning Dennis
and Carolyn took me to the airport. That was a tough goodbye. I love
these two more than they'll ever know!
I had a lot of time to think and read on my flights. I thought a lot
about how much I missed him, what all I wanted to talk to him about,
what will never be, and Heaven. I thought a LOT about Heaven...and how
badly I want to be there {like yesterday...}.
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These
are 2 of the books that I read on that trip and I've found them to be
VERY helpful. Remember the time my Daddy gave me amazing advice about
the things people would tell me in the days to come?! He learned that
in a seminar given by one of these authors, Don Williams.
|
I am so thankful for the week I had
with my in-laws.
Let’s be honest…most of
my friends would have been crazy after 2 days with their spouses’ families, but
not me!
I was so blessed to not only get
the best guy for me, but to get an added bonus of his incredible family!
They will ALWAYS be my family and I’m so
grateful for them and their love.
