It is WHAT?!

            I love crafting!  Hobby Lobby is my home away from home and my go-to place for all things creative.  I feel like such a nerd walking down the paper aisles imagining what a little Cricut or Cuttlebug action could do to each sheet!  Bradford knew my love for Hobby Lobby, and he would often go on “Hob Lob jobs” with me.  Umm…he even made up a song to the tune of Shake That Laffy Taffy {“Shop at Hobby Lobby…the Hobby Lobby…the Hobby Lobby…the Hobby Lobby…SHOOOOOPPP at the Hobby Lobby…” complete with this little twist dance he did ;) }  I would have never really thought that Hob Lob would be a painful place for me to go, but losing him made it that way for a while.  Hearing the music would often make me teary and most of the sweet little signs just sent me over the top.  I used to send him pics of ones that reminded me of him.  Signs like You're my most favorite of all time in the history of ever and I love you to the moon and back were always endearing to me and obviously made me think of him.  I won’t forget the first time I went in after losing him and seeing a sign that said:

IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL

Most people probably know that precious hymn and the story that’s behind it, but just in case you don't, here it is:

Horatio Spafford (1828-1888) was a wealthy Chicago lawyer with a thriving legal practice, a beautiful home, a wife, four daughters and a son. He was also a devout Christian and faithful student of the Scriptures. His circle of friends included Dwight L. Moody, Ira Sankey and various other well-known Christians of the day.

At the very height of his financial and professional success, Horatio and his wife Anna suffered the tragic loss of their young son. Shortly thereafter on October 8, 1871, the Great Chicago Fire destroyed almost every real estate investment that Spafford had.

In 1873, Spafford scheduled a boat trip to Europe in order to give his wife and daughters a much needed vacation and time to recover from the tragedy. He also went to join Moody and Sankey on an evangelistic campaign in England. Spafford sent his wife and daughters ahead of him while he remained in Chicago to take care of some unexpected last minute business. Several days later he received notice that his family's ship had encountered a collision. All four of his daughters drowned; only his wife had survived.

With a heavy heart, Spafford boarded a boat that would take him to his grieving Anna in England. It was on this trip that he penned those now famous words, When sorrow like sea billows roll; it is well, it is well with my soul..

Philip Bliss (1838-1876), composer of many songs including Hold the Fort, Let the Lower Lights be Burning, and Jesus Loves Even Me, was so impressed with Spafford's life and the words of his hymn that he composed a beautiful piece of music to accompany the lyrics. The song was published by Bliss and Sankey, in 1876.

For more than a century, the tragic story of one man has given hope to countless thousands who have lifted their voices to sing, It Is Well With My Soul.

http://www.sharefaith.com/guide/Christian-Music/hymns-the-songs-and-the-stories/it-is-well-with-my-soul-the-song-and-the-story.html

It is Well
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

It is well with my soul,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin—oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!—
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!

And Lord, haste the day when the faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

When I saw that sign, it took me back to sermons I’ve heard about it and I couldn't help but wonder how in the world the writer could have honestly said those words.  It is WELL with my soul?!  It wasn’t well with my heart or mind, let alone my SOUL!  Heaven knows I was back in that store again probably the next week.  I avoided the aisles with signs for fear of seeing ones that would make me weepy…ESPECIALLY THAT ONE!  After several more trips there and the eventual meandering back over to those aisles I saw it again. I decided then and there that one day I would be able to say that.  It wasn’t going to be for a long time, but I would.  When I could stomach it, I would purchase that sign.
            It’s sometimes hard to put into words what I’m thinking and feeling.  There is a lot of fear in honesty, and honestly, people can’t always handle the truth.  It is easy to hide from it, or in many cases, run from it.  Luckily I have a few close sounding boards to share my most blunt and honest thoughts with, and they have helped me recognize so many things.  Most recently I realized that verbalizing things makes them a lot more real than just thinking them, whether I’m writing them, discussing them, or praying them.  It can be quite terrifying.
            It has been so easy to be engulfed in my own grief for the past 8 months; in fact, it has been difficult to be anything less than trapped by it in many ways.  It’s scary to realize over time that I’m less than overcome by it and that I am finding happiness in many of life’s little blessings.  That I am open to the continued life that the Lord has given me and the opportunities He has given me through it.  I’m blessed in a million ways and I have often felt so selfish when I realized I may have diminished any of those for a second.  Although I haven’t had a really happy week, I haven’t had a very sad one either.  I can honestly say I have a new sense of peace…I've said time and time again I fear  judgement or criticism from others about what I do or don't do, say or don't say, feel, express, etc. Grief has been multifaceted for me and oftentimes hard to have others understand. I worry about what others who are grieving the loss of him {or even a different loss} think when I boldly say I have peace and joy. Am I seen as one who "got over it too quickly?" Or maybe I "didn't love him enough?!" Neither of those are true because I'll never be "over it" and I will always love him {don't pretend you didn't just hear Whitney's voice with that allusion :) } I wish life could have been different with him. Somehow the back and forth through the whole "bargaining" phase was pretty short-lived and the things I learned through it were so meaningful and empowering.
            If you are struggling with loss, what is your goal? Do you have one? Are you stuck thinking about things of this world, things that are temporary? My prayer is that you can take baby steps toward your goal, if only to slide back tomorrow to dust yourself off and try again.  I pray that you will have peace. I pray that the peace I have today will last a very, very long time and will help me to reach my Ultimate Goal.

How do you like my new decor? :)

Thankful for {black} Friday and Other Things...

      

But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. 1 Cor. 15:57

          Every year Bradford and I alternated whose family we would visit for Thanksgiving and Christmas. The first year we were married we went to the Anderson's for Turkey Day and the Higgins' for Christmas. For years and years my mom and I have gone Black Friday shopping with some dear friends of ours, the Ford and Upchurch girls. Missing Christmas Day with my family wasn't too heartbreaking that first year because I kind of decided that Christmas is whenever you make it. {This partially stems from Santa coming to visit us the night before we would leave to travel to MS from TX when I was a kid.} Thanksgiving was the same in that respect. Spending time with family is always special, and this was typically a time we got to share with more family. YAY!  What's the thing you can't celebrate just any ol' time? Black Friday!  

          Now, before the haters start reeling about the ridiculous, materialistic nature of this yearly ritual, let me tell you a little about what it means to me. It is a time I get to spend with some gals that are like family to me. We usually drive down to Foley, AL and get all the retail goodness we can stand. I love the lighthearted night/day full of laughter, inside jokes, and countless memories. We shop 'til we drop, laugh 'til we cry, get a little delirious, and have a blast at it! If there's one thing I've learned in recent months it is that material things really don't matter...it is spending time with those you love. This is evidenced by the amount of money I've ever had to bring on the trip and the amount of loot I actually walked away with.  On Black Friday I spend a lot of GREAT time with people I TRULY love!

*****

          The 2nd holiday season we were married it was his family's turn for Thanksgiving. Now let me make something clear--I LOVE my in-laws! I lucked out by not only snagging the most fantastic fella but by gaining them, as well.  They are so precious, funny, entertaining, and loving. I've always enjoyed spending time with them. Something that is always at the top if the list of things we do together is laugh. Whether it's about something crazy Bradford did, something Carolyn made up, a patient Melissa saw, or an old story about Dennis, we love laughing. Even if we had met under other circumstances, I believe we would have grown to be close friends :) I'm not sure if they knew it at the time or not, but I was a little sad that year. I can remember walking through Hyvee with Bradford  to get some last minute food items and ducking down an aisle to go find something because the tears just started coming! #pullyourselftogetherbritt I didn't want them to know I was sad because I REALLY enjoyed being around them, but the truth was that I missed my family. I missed Black Friday. My mom turned 50 that year and the whole crew had shirts made and planned to have a party in the parking lot waiting for whatever store to open. After dinner with the Higgins crew I checked my phone and found this:

They had several pictures of me on sticks to make it appear that I was with them, although I was hundreds of miles away. It was HILARIOUS! I laughed so hard at them and felt so special to still be included in this adventure.
          I say all of that to say that I wasn't too anxious about Thanksgiving without Bradford this year. Do I miss him with every fiber of my being? Do I wish he was here with me? Is it strange to travel without him? Yes, yes, and YES! Although Thanksgiving is such a special time to spend with family, that part of it is a little short-lived. Bradford and I always parted ways on Thanksgiving afternoon; I left to shop, he left to hunt with my dad and brothers for the next couple of days. I was used to not spending a ton of time with him during this holiday when we visited my folks.
          The trip this year was pretty fantastic! My sister-in-law {official in March!}, Lauren, was able to join us for the first time. We had a lot of laughs, starting with missing an exit because, ahem, the driver tried scaring us when we took a picture {DECK the halls!}. 

          I was not prepared for how I would actually feel on the darkest of {Black} Fridays. As the night went on I realized that I didn't have him to text or call to tell the great deals I'd found. It didn't matter how hot he'd look in the guys clothes, he wasn't here to receive them. I can't shop for him anymore. I can't buy him happys or gifts and can't make him say oooOOOooo and bite his knuckle if I get a new, cute outfit. It is painfully clear that I don't have him anymore. There are reminders of him everywhere. At the mention of the Macy's Parade I had a flashback to watching it with him last year in his parents basement; I was running on the treadmill and he and his dad were riding on the trainers. I've heard songs that only play this time of year, songs that he changed the lyrics to and made so funny. Simple memories that mean nothing to anybody else but are so significant to me. I am living without him. Some days are harder than others, but I'm facing the painful reality that he's not with me anymore.
          Although I obviously had some tearful moments, I had a new appreciation for the time I had to spend with everyone this year. I tried to be more present in every conversation, whether it was with my great uncle explaining why they couldn't put a metal OR plastic plate on his skull or making animal noises in the dark with my cousins to play with the kids down the road. We really have to cherish every moment. Tragedy can strike ANY family at ANY time. None of us are immune to it.

          I'm grateful for so many lessons I have learned and will continue to learn through my sweet Bradford's life and death. I'm especially grateful for God's caring hand and His promises. He IS taking care of me and will continue to do so.

Now, if I can make it just 'til St. Patrick's Day...

The DOs and DO NOTs

In my own grief journeys and in the lives of the mourners I have been privileged to counsel, I have discovered that in general, you can take all the people in your life and divide them into thirds when it comes to grief support.  One-third of the people in your life will turn out to be truly empathetic helpers.  They will have a desire to understand you and your unique thoughts and feelings about your loss.  They will demonstrate a willingness to be taught by you and a recognition that you are the expert of your experience, not them.  They will be willing to be involved in your pain and suffering without feeling the need to take it away from you.  Another third of people in your life will turn out to be neutral in response to your grief.  They will neither help nor hinder you in your journey.  And the final third of people in your life will turn out to be harmful to you in your efforts to mourn.  While they are usually not setting out intentionally to harm you, they will judge you and they will try to take your grief away from you.  Seek out your friends and family members who fall into the first group.  They will be your confidants and momentum-givers on your journey.  When you are actively mourning, try to avoid the last group, for they will trip you up and cause you to fall.

 -Dr. Alan Wolfelt

When I think back to the first moments, days, and weeks following my husband’s death, I am amazed by the bravery and courage people had.  I’ll be honest…I’ve never really been good at handling death, and I really haven’t had a lot of experience with it, not with anyone REALLY close.  I remember the last funeral Bradford and I attended together.  When I got up to offer condolences all that came out of my mouth was, “Uhh…” and I think whispered sorry and gave a hug.  I freaked out in moments like those.  As I answered calls from people I hadn’t heard from in YEARS I can remember thinking how brave they were to pick up the phone and call to express their sympathy.  I was overwhelmed with kind words and precious, prayerful thoughts, some I can’t remember and some I’ll never forget.

If you’ve followed my story you know about the words my Daddy told me in my first conversation with him on my way home from the hospital that night.  He said  

There are a lot of people who are going to say a lot of things to you in the days to come.  They mean well, but some of these things are going to be hurtful.  You need to know and remember they don't mean to hurt you.  It is coming from a good place; they just don't know what to say.  

It is unbelievable how helpful that advice has been to me, even still.  I recently had a pretty tough night and told him that people don’t mean to be hurtful, but sometimes they just are, and it’s getting to me.  I kind of want to scream at some folks!  His words were:

Jesus overturned tables and drove folks out of the temple with a whip that He made for that purpose.  He did it without sinning.  You may need to scream at times.  Maybe you could share with them that they’re being insensitive and help them see from your perspective.  Most people haven’t matured to know how to handle a young widow.  There’s not a lot of them around and there’s not a lot of training for it. 

This post is one that I’ve started to write many times, but I just couldn’t.  I’m an over-analyzer and I didn’t want people to do things because I “told them to.”  I can remember one time Bradford and I having a conversation about doing romantic things for one another and he asked me what he could do that would be romantic.  I wanted HIM to determine what that was because I would think that he was doing whatever it was just because I told him to, not because it was something that he truly wanted to do.  I don’t know if that makes any sense to anyone else, but it made total sense to me.  {And don’t worry, my flare-ups of immaturity have become ABUNDANTLY CLEAR to me in the past year!}  On April 9, my sweet college friend Kimberly Rowe Washer wrote a post about what to do and not to do for a young widow.  You can read it here.  It was so touching that she would take the time to gather information that would be helpful for not only herself but for others.  You’re wise beyond your years, Kimbo!

Now that I’m in a place where there aren’t quite as many sorrowful looks or awkward conversations I want to share with you some things that have been helpful and hurtful for me.  I don’t write these things as an expert on grief, but I’m using my own experience to hopefully shed some light on the subject and maybe help someone else.  Everyone grieves differently, but I think most of these things are true for a lot of young widows.

DOs:

1.       Listen-  We need listening ears.  We need for you to hear out our thoughts, concerns, and memories.  Sometimes we just need you to hear our silence. 

2.       Encourage us to do things with you- We may not always be up for it, but it's nice to be included as a normal person.  If we don't want to go, please ask again.  And again and again! Don't worry about us feeling like the 3rd or 5th wheel; let us deal with that. 

3.       Pray for us, don’t just tell us you are-  People did a lot of kind things for me, but nothing struck me quite like a conversation I had with someone I just met while in Kansas for Bradford’s memorial celebration.  This sweet lady, who I later found out had her own set of hardships she dealt with earlier in the year, wanted me to know that she had prayed for me every day.  It wasn’t a flippant Oh, I’m praying for you, but she expressed it with an unexplainable concern and love.  She then asked me What can I specifically pray for you?  Whoa!  This woman was truly bringing my burdens before the Lord, cared for me, and had faith that He can help me with my specific needs.  That was a moment that will affect the rest of my life.  I want to be more intentional in my prayers for others and seek their needs. 

4.       Allow us to feel whatever we feel- Some days are going to be blah.  Let us indulge in the blah-ness of it and don’t feel like you need to encourage us every time we are sad.  Sometimes we just need to wallow in it.  Some days are going to be happy!  Chances are, the first few moments we have that are happy are going to be filled with guilt.  Let us be happy! Join us! 

5.       Do what you can to help us feel taken care of-  Our spouses did so many things to take care of us.  After we lose them, we are in such a state of shock, physically and emotionally exhausted, and probably can't think of much more than whether or not we are breathing.  {Barely that, at times} Help us with what you can at work, in our homes, or with food.  To say my Haywood Elementary family was good to me is the understatement of the year.  I don’t really know what my kids did for those few weeks, but I was assured time and time again that I didn’t need to worry about them because they were taken care of.  My colleagues and administrators saw to it and were able to convince me not to spend a second trying to come up with any lessons or activities for them.  And I didn’t.  I can’t imagine what I would have done without them.  

          I’ll be honest; our yard was mowed more in the first 2 weeks without him than it was in the entire previous summer!  I was overwhelmed with food and paper products.  Although I really could not eat anything, it was good to know that everyone visiting me was taken care of.  Love is expressed in a million ways, but there's something special about a "doer."

6.       Tell us stories about the person we lost- Whether they are heart-warming or funny we love to know that our spouse is remembered.  I have enjoyed hearing things about Bradford that I never knew before.  One person sent me a hilarious message about the first time he met Bradford.  This guy was walking across campus and Bradford stopped him and put his hands around this guy’s neck.  Bradford said he was sorry, but he needed to know how big his neck was.  This guy wanted a necklace like Bradford’s, someone mentioned it Bradford, and he saw that it was done!

7.       Remind us of their quirks or funny sayings- Okay, so maybe the rest of the world didn’t have a guy as funny as I did, but this is helpful for me.  Our families are the most helpful at this.   I love getting texts from my brothers telling me they just ordered a Badga {Baja} Blast or just rk jumped.  It makes me smile when his sisters or dad respond to a text with Groovy or I know that’s right.  My friend Sara has been the best at sending me random memories of him/us.  I love smiling and laughing at the silly things he did. #freehugs 

8.       Know how special it is anytime you do something to honor them-  I almost don’t even want to mention any specifics because there really have been innumerable things done to honor my sweet Bradford.  Money has been given to different funds, Bibles have been purchased in his memory, and a lot of money has been donated to his scholarship.  I am in the 15^th Review Club and they SO graciously donated money to his scholarship and displayed his pictures at our race.  Every little thing means the WORLD to me! 

9.       Validate our feelings and actions- I’ve asked if I’m crazy more than a million times in the past 7 ½ months.  Sometimes we need to be reminded that it’s okay to feel whatever it is that we’re feeling, whether it is sadness, anger, fear, whatever!  That has become one of the most valuable aspects of my closest friendships and a major part of why I have enjoyed counseling.   Remind us that we are NORMAL!

I can honestly say that because of my talk with Daddy that I was really able to keep from getting angry with some of the stupid things people said or did.  Please know that if YOU did any of these things, we’re good!  If we’re not, I might have let you know ;)  I am not writing these to call anyone out or make anyone feel badly, but to offer these as advice for future encounters you have with someone who is grieving.

DO NOT: 

1.       Do not tell us you know how we feel- Many people say this without realizing what they’re doing.  While most people have experienced loss of some sort, no one is US and experiencing OUR LOSS.  It may be okay to say that although you can’t imagine our loss, you can relate in a small way.  We are probably not up for offering YOU sympathy, especially in the first weeks. 

2.       Do not ask us How are you? {Especially if you’re going to follow it up with JUST alright?!}- This one is actually kind of tricky.  It is such a common phrase in the U.S. and acceptable to say this without even meaning to.  Most people don’t really want to get into a long conversation about how we are, however, there is a time and place for this one.  Sometimes I’ve just needed someone to take me by the arm and ask how I’m doing, knowing that they sincerely want to know.  Sometimes we don’t want to talk, and we may just not want to talk to YOU.  It’s okay!  Don’t force us or feel slighted. 

3.       Do not push what you think will work for us- This is a really hard one, especially for people who have experience with grief.  This is a really hard one for me personally, because I know what has been helpful for me, yet I can’t force it on anyone else.  We all heal in our own ways in our own time. 

4.       Do not neglect to bring them up for fear of upsetting us-  The truth is that we are ALREADY THINKING ABOUT THEM and we could NOT BE ANY MORE UPSET THAN WE ALREADY ARE! 

5.       Do not make us feel guilty or judged- This is another tough one, although I haven’t felt much of this from anyone but myself.  I have heard stories about others who have experienced this and just hope to not face much of this in the future. 

6.       Do not say you’ll find another one- Even worse, don’t say You’ll find another one JUST LIKE HIM!  This is a true story!  It happened the weekend after I buried my husband.  I honestly do not even remember who said it.  I can remember exactly where I was and where we were standing, but I cannot remember who said it to me.  There are so many things wrong with that statement, but none that need expounding. #rememberwhatdaddysaid #rememberwhatdaddysaid #peopleDOsaystupidthings 

7.       Do not give us a timeline-It has been helpful to hear about typical timelines in the grief/healing process from professionals and other widows/widowers.  Without them even realizing it, some people have really hurt me by talking about the actions of others who have lost their spouses in relation to a timeline.  You don't know unless you've walked a mile in these shoes; even then, our blisters would be different...

8.       Last but not least, do NOT tell us that our spouse wouldn’t want us to remain celibate the rest of our lives-  #especiallyifyourea100yearoldman Does this really even have to be listed?!

Grief is such a complicated thing and most people just don’t know how to handle it.  I was one and will probably STILL say dumb things to people in the future.  If you are someone who is dealing with a loss, please remember that most people really would not say anything to intentionally hurt you.  Forgive them.  I think it is vital to shift your thinking to the positive things people have said and done and not to get too caught up in the bad stuff.  The writer of Philipians was really onto something when he said Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. (‭Philippians‬ ‭4‬:‭8)

I will close with a pretty powerful realization I made back in May and posted about:

 I've read Isaiah 53 hundreds of times over the past several years. I read through it before taking the Lord's Supper each week, yet this morning I read it in a way I never have before. Our Savior was TRULY acquainted with grief...a kind of grief I can only imagine. I had my dad read those verses and with tears in his eyes he told me that He understands. I told Daddy that this shows me just how much I don't understand. What amazing love...

We can try to help people understand our grief and help us through it, but nobody can do that like Jesus can.

grow

These past couple of weeks have honestly been the best I've had since the spring. {apart from a wonderful girls' trip with my sweet Momma!}. Mentally, I've been in a place I wouldn't have expected to be for quite some time. I don't know how to really explain it other than I've somehow crossed over from KNOWING God is going to take care of me to actually BELIEVING it and beginning to feel a type of healing that only He can provide.

I was at the hospital last Wednesday when one of my sweetest and truest friends in the entire world gave birth to her sweet baby girl. Taylor Maurer is a MOMMY!!!

It's obvious that this child is going to grow up to be a comedian, or at the very least, the class clown. Maybe she'll just be that quiet girl with the ever-so-clever, dry remarks. :) I hope she's just like her momma in a thousand ways. I hope that she creates a life full of laughter; one that is able to shrug a lot of negativity off to the side and find a way to enjoy life's simplest moments. I hope she finds people to have deep meaningful conversations with while walking around dark parking lots, takes road trips while belting Celine, and has friends that are close enough to be totally cool with greeting them with her leg wrapped around them. If Millie is anything like her mom, she will be honest, considerate, confident, and able to admit when she is wrong. She will compliment and build others up and have impeccable taste in fashion and home decor.

I want you to know something, Millie.  Life is wonderful! It really is! You are going to continue experiencing the love that one can only know in a Christian home. Not all kids are as lucky as you. You're going to have a lot of fun times with your family. Enjoy every second! They've prayed so many prayers for you and your safe arrival. They are going to do their best to raise you the way God intends for them to. {You'll only do what they let you get away with, right Tay?!} ;)

Unfortunately, there are some heartbreaking aspects of this life. You will experience hurt, pain, betrayal, and if you live long enough, loss. My prayer is that you will begin building your faith from a very early age and have confidence that The Lord is with you every step of the way.

Ahh, the circle of life. I would've never imagined that Bradford would never lay eyes on the little peanut I so excitedly told him about. The one I learned about while mindlessly shopping in TJ Maxx, suddenly bursting into tears and holding my blonde babe of a pal! Although I am still experiencing some pretty painful moments, I am thankful for the way in which I can see God answering prayers. I'm thankful for the insight I've gained and the ability I've received in being able to better understand the big picture. Don't misunderstand...acceptance does not = easy days from here on out.  It doesn't mean I'm okay with it or prefer it, either. I'm attempting to do what I have my students echo daily: "Try your best to be your best." My best may look different tomorrow or next month, but know that it's my best effort.

So Millie, my wish to you is that each and every day you will try your best to be your best! :) Aunt Britt loves you SO much!

The "W" Word

And He looked up and saw the rich putting their gifts into the treasury, and He saw also a certain poor widow putting in two mites. So He said, “Truly I say to you that this poor widow has put in more than all; for all these out of their abundance have put in offerings for God, but she out of her poverty put in all the livelihood that she had.” Luke‬ ‭21‬:‭1-4‬

     What do you think of when you hear the word widow? As a kid I can remember envisioning an old decrepit woman putting a penny in a jar based on this passage mixed with the present day money jars used to collect coins for the local children's home. My view of widows MAY have grown to include wrinkled up grannies in nursing homes since then.  :P Never in a lifetime did I picture or dare to imagine that I would become a widow at age 28. IF that kind of thing happened to people, it was always others. I  envisioned the ideal ending our lives in "The Notebook" style, holding hands in bed, leaving this world together.
     I came to a pretty profound conclusion several weeks ago. It doesn't matter how long I wear these rings, I'm not married.  The only person I'm fooling is myself (and crazy folks who ask my friends if I'm remarried.  Seriously?!). Bradford will always be the husband of Brittany Higgins, but I'm no longer his wife. I really am a widow. I dove head first in a tail spin when I realized this. It's a harsh reality and so unfair that I don't have him anymore. I look at pictures all the time and think, "Wow. I can't believe this really was my life and that he was MINE!" Sometimes I wonder if I really was just fortunate to live a real life fairy tale for just a small moment in time. (That's not to say our entire relationship was a fairy tale, because we certainly faced our hardships.)
     This past week I began GriefShare to help me as I continue on through this journey. A lady on the DVD talked about how she woke up one morning full of joy despite her loss. I thought about these past 7 months and remembered many, many terribly painful ways I woke up and faced the day, and I remembered other days where I wasn't exactly clicking my heels in the air, but I had some semblance of happiness. I had never awoken in a way like she explained.

     I've read this verse countless times. I can recall sobbing and asking God when is morning ever going to get here? This whole life being but a vapor thing?? When is it going to be over so I can be with You?!
     Then today happened. I woke up with a renewed hope this morning. It has honestly been easy for me to see and count my blessings throughout these past several months and I've sincerely not tried to take them for granted. I heard a song on my way to church this morning. It is one in which I can remember coming completely unglued while listening to it last fall and imagining how life WOULD get better for my sweet friend IN TIME. It is one I can also remember hearing in recent months and pulling over to sob, thinking about my own life and how THIS is not what I planned or wanted. I heard something new in it today. "Every day's a gift that l've been given. Every breath feels like a second chance." Although I've found myself drowning in a sea of depression, I've held on to the truth that I know God will take care of me, whether it is now, years from now, or in the life that's to come.

     Although I am the definition of a widow, I am not going to be defined by it. I don't want this title to be a crutch or an excuse. I am going to take this gift of life that I have, honor my past, and continue dedicating my future to Him.
     I may wake up feeling differently tomorrow, but I am just trying to take life from moment to moment, and today, my moments are filled with clarity and what feels kind of like joy. :)