The DOs and DO NOTs

In my own grief journeys and in the lives of the mourners I have been privileged to counsel, I have discovered that in general, you can take all the people in your life and divide them into thirds when it comes to grief support.  One-third of the people in your life will turn out to be truly empathetic helpers.  They will have a desire to understand you and your unique thoughts and feelings about your loss.  They will demonstrate a willingness to be taught by you and a recognition that you are the expert of your experience, not them.  They will be willing to be involved in your pain and suffering without feeling the need to take it away from you.  Another third of people in your life will turn out to be neutral in response to your grief.  They will neither help nor hinder you in your journey.  And the final third of people in your life will turn out to be harmful to you in your efforts to mourn.  While they are usually not setting out intentionally to harm you, they will judge you and they will try to take your grief away from you.  Seek out your friends and family members who fall into the first group.  They will be your confidants and momentum-givers on your journey.  When you are actively mourning, try to avoid the last group, for they will trip you up and cause you to fall.

 -Dr. Alan Wolfelt

When I think back to the first moments, days, and weeks following my husband’s death, I am amazed by the bravery and courage people had.  I’ll be honest…I’ve never really been good at handling death, and I really haven’t had a lot of experience with it, not with anyone REALLY close.  I remember the last funeral Bradford and I attended together.  When I got up to offer condolences all that came out of my mouth was, “Uhh…” and I think whispered sorry and gave a hug.  I freaked out in moments like those.  As I answered calls from people I hadn’t heard from in YEARS I can remember thinking how brave they were to pick up the phone and call to express their sympathy.  I was overwhelmed with kind words and precious, prayerful thoughts, some I can’t remember and some I’ll never forget.

If you’ve followed my story you know about the words my Daddy told me in my first conversation with him on my way home from the hospital that night.  He said  

There are a lot of people who are going to say a lot of things to you in the days to come.  They mean well, but some of these things are going to be hurtful.  You need to know and remember they don't mean to hurt you.  It is coming from a good place; they just don't know what to say.  

It is unbelievable how helpful that advice has been to me, even still.  I recently had a pretty tough night and told him that people don’t mean to be hurtful, but sometimes they just are, and it’s getting to me.  I kind of want to scream at some folks!  His words were:

Jesus overturned tables and drove folks out of the temple with a whip that He made for that purpose.  He did it without sinning.  You may need to scream at times.  Maybe you could share with them that they’re being insensitive and help them see from your perspective.  Most people haven’t matured to know how to handle a young widow.  There’s not a lot of them around and there’s not a lot of training for it. 

This post is one that I’ve started to write many times, but I just couldn’t.  I’m an over-analyzer and I didn’t want people to do things because I “told them to.”  I can remember one time Bradford and I having a conversation about doing romantic things for one another and he asked me what he could do that would be romantic.  I wanted HIM to determine what that was because I would think that he was doing whatever it was just because I told him to, not because it was something that he truly wanted to do.  I don’t know if that makes any sense to anyone else, but it made total sense to me.  {And don’t worry, my flare-ups of immaturity have become ABUNDANTLY CLEAR to me in the past year!}  On April 9, my sweet college friend Kimberly Rowe Washer wrote a post about what to do and not to do for a young widow.  You can read it here.  It was so touching that she would take the time to gather information that would be helpful for not only herself but for others.  You’re wise beyond your years, Kimbo!

Now that I’m in a place where there aren’t quite as many sorrowful looks or awkward conversations I want to share with you some things that have been helpful and hurtful for me.  I don’t write these things as an expert on grief, but I’m using my own experience to hopefully shed some light on the subject and maybe help someone else.  Everyone grieves differently, but I think most of these things are true for a lot of young widows.

DOs:

1.       Listen-  We need listening ears.  We need for you to hear out our thoughts, concerns, and memories.  Sometimes we just need you to hear our silence. 

2.       Encourage us to do things with you- We may not always be up for it, but it's nice to be included as a normal person.  If we don't want to go, please ask again.  And again and again! Don't worry about us feeling like the 3rd or 5th wheel; let us deal with that. 

3.       Pray for us, don’t just tell us you are-  People did a lot of kind things for me, but nothing struck me quite like a conversation I had with someone I just met while in Kansas for Bradford’s memorial celebration.  This sweet lady, who I later found out had her own set of hardships she dealt with earlier in the year, wanted me to know that she had prayed for me every day.  It wasn’t a flippant Oh, I’m praying for you, but she expressed it with an unexplainable concern and love.  She then asked me What can I specifically pray for you?  Whoa!  This woman was truly bringing my burdens before the Lord, cared for me, and had faith that He can help me with my specific needs.  That was a moment that will affect the rest of my life.  I want to be more intentional in my prayers for others and seek their needs. 

4.       Allow us to feel whatever we feel- Some days are going to be blah.  Let us indulge in the blah-ness of it and don’t feel like you need to encourage us every time we are sad.  Sometimes we just need to wallow in it.  Some days are going to be happy!  Chances are, the first few moments we have that are happy are going to be filled with guilt.  Let us be happy! Join us! 

5.       Do what you can to help us feel taken care of-  Our spouses did so many things to take care of us.  After we lose them, we are in such a state of shock, physically and emotionally exhausted, and probably can't think of much more than whether or not we are breathing.  {Barely that, at times} Help us with what you can at work, in our homes, or with food.  To say my Haywood Elementary family was good to me is the understatement of the year.  I don’t really know what my kids did for those few weeks, but I was assured time and time again that I didn’t need to worry about them because they were taken care of.  My colleagues and administrators saw to it and were able to convince me not to spend a second trying to come up with any lessons or activities for them.  And I didn’t.  I can’t imagine what I would have done without them.  

          I’ll be honest; our yard was mowed more in the first 2 weeks without him than it was in the entire previous summer!  I was overwhelmed with food and paper products.  Although I really could not eat anything, it was good to know that everyone visiting me was taken care of.  Love is expressed in a million ways, but there's something special about a "doer."

6.       Tell us stories about the person we lost- Whether they are heart-warming or funny we love to know that our spouse is remembered.  I have enjoyed hearing things about Bradford that I never knew before.  One person sent me a hilarious message about the first time he met Bradford.  This guy was walking across campus and Bradford stopped him and put his hands around this guy’s neck.  Bradford said he was sorry, but he needed to know how big his neck was.  This guy wanted a necklace like Bradford’s, someone mentioned it Bradford, and he saw that it was done!

7.       Remind us of their quirks or funny sayings- Okay, so maybe the rest of the world didn’t have a guy as funny as I did, but this is helpful for me.  Our families are the most helpful at this.   I love getting texts from my brothers telling me they just ordered a Badga {Baja} Blast or just rk jumped.  It makes me smile when his sisters or dad respond to a text with Groovy or I know that’s right.  My friend Sara has been the best at sending me random memories of him/us.  I love smiling and laughing at the silly things he did. #freehugs 

8.       Know how special it is anytime you do something to honor them-  I almost don’t even want to mention any specifics because there really have been innumerable things done to honor my sweet Bradford.  Money has been given to different funds, Bibles have been purchased in his memory, and a lot of money has been donated to his scholarship.  I am in the 15^th Review Club and they SO graciously donated money to his scholarship and displayed his pictures at our race.  Every little thing means the WORLD to me! 

9.       Validate our feelings and actions- I’ve asked if I’m crazy more than a million times in the past 7 ½ months.  Sometimes we need to be reminded that it’s okay to feel whatever it is that we’re feeling, whether it is sadness, anger, fear, whatever!  That has become one of the most valuable aspects of my closest friendships and a major part of why I have enjoyed counseling.   Remind us that we are NORMAL!

I can honestly say that because of my talk with Daddy that I was really able to keep from getting angry with some of the stupid things people said or did.  Please know that if YOU did any of these things, we’re good!  If we’re not, I might have let you know ;)  I am not writing these to call anyone out or make anyone feel badly, but to offer these as advice for future encounters you have with someone who is grieving.

DO NOT: 

1.       Do not tell us you know how we feel- Many people say this without realizing what they’re doing.  While most people have experienced loss of some sort, no one is US and experiencing OUR LOSS.  It may be okay to say that although you can’t imagine our loss, you can relate in a small way.  We are probably not up for offering YOU sympathy, especially in the first weeks. 

2.       Do not ask us How are you? {Especially if you’re going to follow it up with JUST alright?!}- This one is actually kind of tricky.  It is such a common phrase in the U.S. and acceptable to say this without even meaning to.  Most people don’t really want to get into a long conversation about how we are, however, there is a time and place for this one.  Sometimes I’ve just needed someone to take me by the arm and ask how I’m doing, knowing that they sincerely want to know.  Sometimes we don’t want to talk, and we may just not want to talk to YOU.  It’s okay!  Don’t force us or feel slighted. 

3.       Do not push what you think will work for us- This is a really hard one, especially for people who have experience with grief.  This is a really hard one for me personally, because I know what has been helpful for me, yet I can’t force it on anyone else.  We all heal in our own ways in our own time. 

4.       Do not neglect to bring them up for fear of upsetting us-  The truth is that we are ALREADY THINKING ABOUT THEM and we could NOT BE ANY MORE UPSET THAN WE ALREADY ARE! 

5.       Do not make us feel guilty or judged- This is another tough one, although I haven’t felt much of this from anyone but myself.  I have heard stories about others who have experienced this and just hope to not face much of this in the future. 

6.       Do not say you’ll find another one- Even worse, don’t say You’ll find another one JUST LIKE HIM!  This is a true story!  It happened the weekend after I buried my husband.  I honestly do not even remember who said it.  I can remember exactly where I was and where we were standing, but I cannot remember who said it to me.  There are so many things wrong with that statement, but none that need expounding. #rememberwhatdaddysaid #rememberwhatdaddysaid #peopleDOsaystupidthings 

7.       Do not give us a timeline-It has been helpful to hear about typical timelines in the grief/healing process from professionals and other widows/widowers.  Without them even realizing it, some people have really hurt me by talking about the actions of others who have lost their spouses in relation to a timeline.  You don't know unless you've walked a mile in these shoes; even then, our blisters would be different...

8.       Last but not least, do NOT tell us that our spouse wouldn’t want us to remain celibate the rest of our lives-  #especiallyifyourea100yearoldman Does this really even have to be listed?!

Grief is such a complicated thing and most people just don’t know how to handle it.  I was one and will probably STILL say dumb things to people in the future.  If you are someone who is dealing with a loss, please remember that most people really would not say anything to intentionally hurt you.  Forgive them.  I think it is vital to shift your thinking to the positive things people have said and done and not to get too caught up in the bad stuff.  The writer of Philipians was really onto something when he said Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. (‭Philippians‬ ‭4‬:‭8)

I will close with a pretty powerful realization I made back in May and posted about:

 I've read Isaiah 53 hundreds of times over the past several years. I read through it before taking the Lord's Supper each week, yet this morning I read it in a way I never have before. Our Savior was TRULY acquainted with grief...a kind of grief I can only imagine. I had my dad read those verses and with tears in his eyes he told me that He understands. I told Daddy that this shows me just how much I don't understand. What amazing love...

We can try to help people understand our grief and help us through it, but nobody can do that like Jesus can.