The "W" Word

And He looked up and saw the rich putting their gifts into the treasury, and He saw also a certain poor widow putting in two mites. So He said, “Truly I say to you that this poor widow has put in more than all; for all these out of their abundance have put in offerings for God, but she out of her poverty put in all the livelihood that she had.” Luke‬ ‭21‬:‭1-4‬

     What do you think of when you hear the word widow? As a kid I can remember envisioning an old decrepit woman putting a penny in a jar based on this passage mixed with the present day money jars used to collect coins for the local children's home. My view of widows MAY have grown to include wrinkled up grannies in nursing homes since then.  :P Never in a lifetime did I picture or dare to imagine that I would become a widow at age 28. IF that kind of thing happened to people, it was always others. I  envisioned the ideal ending our lives in "The Notebook" style, holding hands in bed, leaving this world together.
     I came to a pretty profound conclusion several weeks ago. It doesn't matter how long I wear these rings, I'm not married.  The only person I'm fooling is myself (and crazy folks who ask my friends if I'm remarried.  Seriously?!). Bradford will always be the husband of Brittany Higgins, but I'm no longer his wife. I really am a widow. I dove head first in a tail spin when I realized this. It's a harsh reality and so unfair that I don't have him anymore. I look at pictures all the time and think, "Wow. I can't believe this really was my life and that he was MINE!" Sometimes I wonder if I really was just fortunate to live a real life fairy tale for just a small moment in time. (That's not to say our entire relationship was a fairy tale, because we certainly faced our hardships.)
     This past week I began GriefShare to help me as I continue on through this journey. A lady on the DVD talked about how she woke up one morning full of joy despite her loss. I thought about these past 7 months and remembered many, many terribly painful ways I woke up and faced the day, and I remembered other days where I wasn't exactly clicking my heels in the air, but I had some semblance of happiness. I had never awoken in a way like she explained.

     I've read this verse countless times. I can recall sobbing and asking God when is morning ever going to get here? This whole life being but a vapor thing?? When is it going to be over so I can be with You?!
     Then today happened. I woke up with a renewed hope this morning. It has honestly been easy for me to see and count my blessings throughout these past several months and I've sincerely not tried to take them for granted. I heard a song on my way to church this morning. It is one in which I can remember coming completely unglued while listening to it last fall and imagining how life WOULD get better for my sweet friend IN TIME. It is one I can also remember hearing in recent months and pulling over to sob, thinking about my own life and how THIS is not what I planned or wanted. I heard something new in it today. "Every day's a gift that l've been given. Every breath feels like a second chance." Although I've found myself drowning in a sea of depression, I've held on to the truth that I know God will take care of me, whether it is now, years from now, or in the life that's to come.

     Although I am the definition of a widow, I am not going to be defined by it. I don't want this title to be a crutch or an excuse. I am going to take this gift of life that I have, honor my past, and continue dedicating my future to Him.
     I may wake up feeling differently tomorrow, but I am just trying to take life from moment to moment, and today, my moments are filled with clarity and what feels kind of like joy. :)