In my own grief
journeys and in the lives of the mourners I have been privileged to
counsel, I have discovered that in general, you can take all the people
in your life and divide them into thirds when it comes to grief
support. One-third of the people in your life will turn out to be truly
empathetic helpers. They will have a desire to understand you and your
unique thoughts and feelings about your loss. They will demonstrate a
willingness to be taught by you and a recognition that you are the
expert of your experience, not them. They will be willing to be
involved in your pain and suffering without feeling the need to take it
away from you. Another third of people in your life will turn out to be
neutral in response to your grief. They will neither help nor hinder
you in your journey. And the final third of people in your life
will turn out to be harmful to you in your efforts to mourn. While they
are usually not setting out intentionally to harm you, they will judge
you and they will try to take your grief away from you. Seek out your
friends and family members who fall into the first group. They will be
your confidants and momentum-givers on your journey. When you are
actively mourning, try to avoid the last group, for they will trip you
up and cause you to fall.
-Dr. Alan Wolfelt
When I think back to the first
moments, days, and weeks following my husband’s death, I am amazed by the
bravery and courage people had. I’ll be
honest…I’ve never really been good at handling death, and I really haven’t had
a lot of experience with it, not with anyone REALLY close. I remember the last funeral Bradford
and I attended together. When I got up to
offer condolences all that came out of my mouth was, “Uhh…” and I think
whispered sorry and gave a hug. I freaked out in moments like those. As I answered calls
from people I hadn’t heard from in YEARS I can remember thinking how brave they were to pick
up the phone and call to express their sympathy. I was overwhelmed with kind words and
precious, prayerful thoughts, some I can’t remember and some I’ll never forget.
If you’ve followed my story you
know about the words my Daddy told me in my first conversation with him on my
way home from the hospital that night.
He said
There are a lot of people who are going to say a lot
of things to you in the days to come. They mean well, but some of these
things are going to be hurtful. You need to know and remember they
don't mean to hurt you. It is coming from a good place; they just don't
know what to say.
It is unbelievable how helpful that advice
has been to me, even still. I recently had
a pretty tough night and told him that people don’t mean to be hurtful, but
sometimes they just are, and it’s getting to me. I kind of want to scream at some folks! His words were:
Jesus
overturned tables and drove folks out of the temple with a whip that He made
for that purpose. He did it without
sinning. You may need to scream at
times. Maybe you could share with them
that they’re being insensitive and help them see from your perspective. Most people haven’t matured to know how to
handle a young widow. There’s not a lot
of them around and there’s not a lot of training for it.
This post is one that I’ve started
to write many times, but I just couldn’t.
I’m an over-analyzer and I didn’t want people to do things because I “told
them to.” I can remember one time
Bradford and I having a conversation about doing romantic things for one
another and he asked me what he could do that would be romantic. I wanted HIM to determine what that was
because I would think that he was doing whatever it was just because I told him
to, not because it was something that he truly wanted to do. I don’t know if that makes any sense to
anyone else, but it made total sense to me.
{And don’t worry, my flare-ups of immaturity have become ABUNDANTLY
CLEAR to me in the past year!} On April
9, my sweet college friend Kimberly Rowe Washer wrote a post about what to do
and not to do for a young widow. You can
read it here. It was so touching that
she would take the time to gather information that would be helpful for not
only herself but for others. You’re wise
beyond your years, Kimbo!
Now that I’m in a place where there
aren’t quite as many sorrowful looks or awkward conversations I want to share
with you some things that have been helpful and hurtful for me. I don’t write these things as an expert on
grief, but I’m using my own experience to hopefully shed some light on the
subject and maybe help someone else. Everyone
grieves differently, but I think most of these things are true for a lot of young
widows.
DOs:
1.
Listen-
We need listening ears. We need
for you to hear out our thoughts, concerns, and memories. Sometimes we just need you
to hear our silence.
2.
Encourage us to do things with you- We may not
always be up for it, but it's nice to be included as a normal person.
If we don't want to go, please ask again. And again and again! Don't worry about us feeling like the 3rd or 5th wheel; let us deal with that.
3.
Pray for us, don’t just tell us you are- People did a lot of kind things for me, but nothing
struck me quite like a conversation I had with someone I just met while in
Kansas for Bradford’s memorial celebration.
This sweet lady, who I later found out had her own set of hardships she
dealt with earlier in the year, wanted me to know that she had prayed for me
every day. It wasn’t a flippant Oh, I’m praying for you, but she
expressed it with an unexplainable concern and love.
She then asked me What can I
specifically pray for you?
Whoa! This woman was truly
bringing my burdens before the Lord, cared for me, and had faith that He can
help me with my specific needs. That was
a moment that will affect the rest of my life.
I want to be more intentional in my prayers for others and seek their
needs.
4.
Allow us to feel whatever we feel- Some days are
going to be blah. Let us indulge in the
blah-ness of it and don’t feel like you need to encourage us every time we are
sad. Sometimes we just need to wallow in
it. Some days are going to be
happy! Chances are, the first few
moments we have that are happy are going to be filled with guilt. Let us be happy! Join us!
5.
Do what you can to help us feel taken care
of- Our spouses did so many things to
take care of us. After we lose
them, we
are in such a state of shock, physically and emotionally exhausted, and
probably can't think of much more than whether or not we are breathing. {Barely that, at times} Help us with what you can at work, in our homes,
or with food. To say my Haywood Elementary
family was good to me is the understatement of the year. I don’t really
know what my kids did for those few weeks, but I was assured time and time
again that I didn’t need to worry about them because they were taken care
of. My colleagues and administrators saw
to it and were able to convince me not to spend a second trying to come up with
any lessons or activities for them. And I didn’t. I can’t imagine what I would have done
without them.
I’ll be honest; our yard was
mowed more in the first 2 weeks without him than it was in the entire previous
summer! I was overwhelmed with food and
paper products. Although I really could
not eat anything, it was good to know that everyone visiting me was taken care
of. Love is expressed in a million ways, but there's something special about a "doer."
6.
Tell us stories about the person we lost-
Whether they are heart-warming or funny we love to know that our spouse is
remembered. I have enjoyed hearing
things about Bradford that I never knew before.
One person sent me a hilarious message about the first time he met
Bradford. This guy was walking across campus
and Bradford stopped him and put his hands around this guy’s neck. Bradford said he was sorry, but he needed to know how
big his neck was. This guy wanted a
necklace like Bradford’s, someone mentioned it Bradford, and he saw that it was done!
7.
Remind us of their quirks or funny sayings-
Okay, so maybe the rest of the world didn’t have a guy as funny as I did, but
this is helpful for me. Our families are
the most helpful at this. I love
getting texts from my brothers telling me they just ordered a Badga {Baja} Blast
or just rk jumped. It makes me smile when
his sisters or dad respond to a text with Groovy
or I know that’s right. My friend Sara has been the best at sending me random memories of him/us. I love smiling and laughing at the silly things he did. #freehugs
8.
Know how special it is anytime you do something
to honor them- I almost don’t even want
to mention any specifics because there really have been innumerable things
done to honor my sweet Bradford. Money
has been given to different funds, Bibles have been purchased in his memory,
and a lot of money has been donated to his scholarship. I am in the 15th Review Club and they
SO graciously donated money to his scholarship and displayed his pictures at
our race. Every little thing means the WORLD to me!
9.
Validate our feelings and actions- I’ve asked if
I’m crazy more than a million times in the past 7 ½ months. Sometimes we need to be reminded that it’s
okay to feel whatever it is that we’re feeling, whether it is sadness, anger, fear,
whatever! That has become one of the most
valuable aspects of my closest friendships and a major part of why I have enjoyed
counseling. Remind us that we are
NORMAL!
I can honestly say that because of
my talk with Daddy that I was really able to keep from getting angry with some of the
stupid things people said or did. Please
know that if YOU did any of these things, we’re good! If we’re not, I might have let you know ;) I am not writing these to call anyone out or make anyone feel badly,
but to offer these as advice for future encounters you have with someone who is
grieving.
DO NOT:
1. Do not tell us you know how we feel- Many people
say this without realizing what they’re doing.
While most people have experienced loss of some sort, no one is US and
experiencing OUR LOSS. It may be okay to
say that although you can’t imagine our loss, you can relate in a small
way. We are probably not up for offering
YOU sympathy, especially in the first weeks.
2. Do not ask us How
are you? {Especially if you’re going to follow it up with JUST alright?!}- This one is actually
kind of tricky. It is such a common
phrase in the U.S. and acceptable to say this without even meaning to. Most people don’t really want to get into a
long conversation about how we are, however, there is a time and place for this
one. Sometimes I’ve just needed someone
to take me by the arm and ask how I’m doing, knowing that they sincerely want
to know. Sometimes we don’t want to
talk, and we may just not want to talk to YOU.
It’s okay! Don’t force us or feel
slighted.
3.
Do not push what you think will work for us-
This is a really hard one, especially for people who have experience with
grief. This is a really hard one for me
personally, because I know what has been helpful for me, yet I can’t force it on
anyone else. We all heal in our own ways
in our own time.
4.
Do not neglect to bring them up for fear of
upsetting us- The truth is that we are
ALREADY THINKING ABOUT THEM and we could NOT BE ANY MORE UPSET THAN WE ALREADY
ARE!
5.
Do not make us feel guilty or judged- This is
another tough one, although I haven’t felt much of this from anyone but
myself. I have heard stories about
others who have experienced this and just hope to not face much of this in the
future.
6.
Do not say you’ll find another one- Even worse,
don’t say You’ll find another one JUST
LIKE HIM! This is a true story! It
happened the weekend after I buried my husband.
I honestly do not even remember who said it. I can remember exactly where I was and where
we were standing, but I cannot remember who said it to me. There are so many things wrong with that
statement, but none that need expounding.
#rememberwhatdaddysaid #rememberwhatdaddysaid #peopleDOsaystupidthings
7.
Do not give us a timeline-It has been helpful to hear about typical timelines in the grief/healing process from professionals and other widows/widowers. Without them even realizing it, some people have really hurt me by talking about the actions of others who have lost their spouses in relation to a timeline. You don't know unless you've walked a mile in these shoes; even then, our blisters would be different...
8.
Last but not least, do NOT tell us that our
spouse wouldn’t want us to remain celibate the rest of our lives- #especiallyifyourea100yearoldman Does this really
even have to be listed?!
Grief is such a complicated thing
and most people just don’t know how to handle it. I was one and will probably STILL say dumb
things to people in the future. If you
are someone who is dealing with a loss, please remember that most people really
would not say anything to intentionally hurt you. Forgive them. I think it is vital to shift your thinking to the positive things people have said and done and not to get too caught up in the bad stuff. The writer of Philipians was really onto something when he said Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble,
whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are
lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and
if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.
(Philippians 4:8)
I will close with a pretty powerful realization I made back in May and posted about:
I've read Isaiah 53 hundreds
of times over the past several years. I read through it before taking the
Lord's Supper each week, yet this morning I read it in a way I never have
before. Our Savior was TRULY acquainted with grief...a kind of grief I can only
imagine. I had my dad read those verses and with tears in his eyes he told me
that He understands. I told Daddy that this shows me just how much I don't
understand. What amazing love...
We can try to help people understand our grief and help us through it, but nobody can do that like Jesus can.
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