For my husband is not at home; He has gone on a long journey.
Proverbs 7:19
Today is the day I have been longing for and dreading all at
the same time. I am finally COMPLETELY
moved out of my old house, OUR house. It
feels weird just locking up and driving away, so I am going to sit in this
unfurnished place and write to my Hun about some memories we’ve made here.
Bradford,
Well, the good news is that I don’t ever have to wake up
another morning and not see you in our kitchen making your coffee! I'm overcome with so many emotions as I prepare to leave this house we've called home for 4 years. You know me...I'm kind of a freak when it comes to sentimental things. I had to take pictures of each room and I want to remind you of some of my most precious memories with you here...
This is the dining room we rarely used. When we first moved stuff in here it was an
excellent place to store all of our wedding gifts. We had SO many, but we didn’t want to use
them until we were officially married. I
can still see your bikes leaned up against the wall in here. Anytime we were to have company over I would
ask you to move them {because I learned really quickly not to touch them
myself!}. You never understood what the
big deal was, but {usually} moved them anyways with a smile on your face. This is the room we played cards so many
times with your family, OUR family. I
remember when we first got Ollie he loved to come to his secret spot in here to
potty. You tried to outsmart him by
putting a potty pad there. You’re a
genius! :) I remember this room being a disaster for
weeks as I painted the china cabinet your mom gave us {don’t worry folks, I had
permission}. I remember having friends
over many times as we attempted making dinner for them. I can remember you were so funny this one time we had
an adult couple over. You grilled
porkloin and I made cheesy ranch potatoes. When they left the room you gave me your open mouthed, high-arched eyebrows smile and told me
that we were like REAL adults! I also
remember how overflowing this room was with friends and family after your
graduation. It was always so fun to get
both of our families together. I
remember even more clearly after you left this earth how many plates of food,
people, paper products, and plants were jam packed in here. You would’ve loved visiting with all of your
favorites!
Here is the laundry room that was constantly used! Boy, have I missed doing your laundry. We didn’t spend a lot of time in here
together, but sitting here I am reminded of some things. I was always appreciative that you emptied your pockets. I never ruined a load of laundry due to your gum or pens. You were so particular about your laundry in
wanting it to be “just so.” Your pants
had to be folded with the back pockets touching, the crotch facing the left
with the hook curving to the right. I
think. I never was too good at
remembering that ;) You gave me several lessons and fully
recognized what a freak you were for it ;)
I can remember our hot water heater not working and you becoming handy
man Higgins in your attempt to fix it.
The pilot had been blown out and you needed my help to see if it came on
{this worked best at night when it was dark in here}. I was always scared you were going to blow
your face off, or at least singe your eyebrows, because of the warning about
how many times you could push the igniter. You weren't skeered!
Our kitchen was one of your favorite places. I don’t know HOW you stayed so thin! I can still see you in here making your
coffee, espresso, or fudge. You really
did make the best fudge! You would often
come up behind me and hold me while I made our dinner. We had a lot of taco night dance parties in
here. I’m still not sure why we didn’t
have manwich night dance parties or shrimp bowtie pasta night dance parties ;)
When you cleaned the kitchen you REALLY cleaned it! I loved when you did the dishes because you
paid such close attention to the detail in disinfecting things. How many women can say their husbands do THAT?! I can still see you in here making my
lunch. You really were the best! I just remembered one week when there were so
many storms. We drug the mattress from
one of our beds to sleep on the kitchen floor so we could get under the little
table in the hallway if we needed to.
You were somehow able to make me forget my fear of storms as we laughed at how crazy but funny we were.
We always called this the zebra room, even after we switched
the comforters. We really never spent
much time in here together besides the occasional nap. This was unofficially my other room since I
kept my school bags and winter clothes in here.
I grew up sleeping in this bed, and I never dreamed it would actually
sit in the home I shared with my most fantastic love. I’ve hidden many of your gifts in here, too!
Oh boy, the office. I’m
sorry I griped at you about this room so much.
This was your other room and the source of many a fuss. You never understood why it was so important
to me to have EVERY room of our house clean when we were having company over.
;) I can still see you coming in here to
clean your guns and organize your comics .
Although the room was usually a disaster, your closet was always much
more organized than mine. Thanks for
even sharing a little space in it with me.
I can still see all of your school books in here. You kept a lot of helpful books, but
your favorite was always the DSM. We had
a lot of fun “diagnosing” people! HAHA!
Here’s the bathroom.
Although I always looked forward to the day we would have 2 bathrooms, I
never took for granted the fact that we had 2 sinks. We’ve brushed our teeth together in here
many, many times. In fact, I always
tried to hold out and brush as long as you did.
If there was a part of you that was going to be clean, it was your
mouth. I can remember showering in here
and you would come in here to use the restroom.
You could always tell a major difference in the temperature of the water
when the toilet flushed so you were always sure to say FLUSHING when you were done.
Sometimes it would startle me because I didn’t even know you were in
here! I would jokingly reply with SCALDING although I didn’t really notice
a difference. When we first got married I
always cut your hair. We would come in
here, cut apart a trash bag and you would get down on all fours for me to buzz
your hair. This is the last place I ever
saw you. I can still see your feet
standing on that rug Ollie loved to chew on and looking up to kiss you and tell
you bye. I can remember coming in here
to cry so many times in the days and weeks that followed your death. Some of my absolute worst moments were in
this tiny room.
And our bedroom. Don’t worry, I’ll keep this rated G ;) Two of
my most favorite times with you in here were in your last week of life. I’ll never forget you coming in that Tuesday
night after playing tennis and just sitting on the side of the bed, holding my
hand, and talking. I can remember
thinking in that moment how simple, yet perfect, it was. The Sunday afternoon before your accident I
had SO much school work to do. I decided
I was exhausted and we should take a nap.
I can still feel your sweet arms around me. We accidentally slept for a few hours and
when we woke up we just laid there looking at each other. It was pure and simple. I can’t tell you how
many times since you’ve been gone I’ve pictured that very afternoon where I just
gazed into those beautiful blue eyes. It
was perfect.
I don’t think there was EVER
a time you simply walked down the hall.
You ALWAYS jumped up and
head-butted the string you pull to get to the attic! One time when Bradley was visiting we decided
to pull it up a couple of inches to see if you would notice. You came by and just pulled it down. How do you know these things?!
We did a lot of living in this living room. Most nights consisted of us chilling on the
couch watching TV and working or me scratching your head and you scratching my
leg. We had it all worked out! You were so dedicated to your job and would
often have papers and your planner strewn out working on session notes or
treatment plans. This is where I would
find you early on Saturday mornings watching Manchester United play. I can still see you doing your little dance
where you pick up your knees and push your arms in and out {I don’t know how
else to describe it. I know I will
remember exactly what this is when I read it in the future!} I can still see you on the trainer drinking
your Mio water and watching Big Bang Theory.
As I sit where we placed our Christmas tree every year I can still see you
unloading that itchy thing and us decorating it. I always loved exchanging gifts with you,
especially gifts that make me seem ignorant {cue the charcoal path to your GAS
grill! Hahaha!}. I can still hear your car backing into the driveway...
As I get ready to leave this place for the final time I am
overwhelmed with happy memories I made with you. I really did love it here. It hasn’t been home for almost 5 months since
you have been gone. I truly understand
this popular quote:
This
is just a dwelling place without you. It
has stored our belongings and provided shelter for me many nights. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a little
bit nervous about this next phase in my grief, not having this house to visit
when I want to feel closer to you. I am, however, very excited to not have the
stress of going through our things and moving them anymore. Just know that if home is where the heart is
that YOU are my home.
Missing you every second of every day,
Brittany, your Sug
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