Sometimes the 4am Tears Just Get to Me...

It doesn't matter how much I want to have a positive attitude. It doesn't matter how desperately I long to personify God's handiwork. It doesn't matter how many events I attend or work days I show up with a seemingly joyful smile...

This stinks. Grief has been an unexpected ride, full of highs {ehh, that's relative} and many, many lows. No matter what I do, Bradford is on my mind. I've missed him every second, but there were a few things I did this week that just REALLY didn't feel right without him. I couldn't help but imagine what he would say or do if he was with me.

I KNOW that God is the only one who can fulfill my deepest desires. I've got that. It doesn't change the fact that I'm so sad without my husband and tired of being the girl going through my daily life trying to make sense of it all without him by my side. I'm tired of having to think so much about making plans instead of just automatically having them with him. I'm tired of trying to remember things on my own. I'm tired of forgetting things. I'm tired of soaking his pillow with tears. I'm tired of feeling guilty if I've gone days without crying. I'm just flat out TIRED!

I've felt very out of character these past 5 months. It's not like me to be stuck in such a dark place. A few weeks after losing him, a dear friend told me that even though I'm going through the motions of everyday life, she can tell I seem uncomfortable in my own skin. I would like to think that isn't true, but reality is that half of me is gone. It makes me think about weight loss shows. Sometimes participants lose so much that they are able to have their excess skin cut off. I think I'm just clinging to mine right now, as ugly as it may be.

Please pray for me. I don't even know what to specifically ask for anymore, but trust that God will know what to do. I will be ok! I just need to wallow in my own self-pity every once in a while.