My God is My Provider

In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ, whom having not seen you love. Though now you do not see Him, yet believing, you rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, receiving the end of your faith—the salvation of your souls. I Peter 1:6-9

In the moment, it's sometimes difficult to know how God is working in our lives. We will never fully understand the ways he provides for us, playing a role in seemingly every day, ordinary situations, ultimately preparing us for great things. Looking back over my life I can see the "big" ones. If we hadn't moved to MS I would've never gone to Kensington Woods. If I hadn't gone to Kensington Woods, I wouldn't have been a part of our youth campaigns with Roebuck. If I hadn't done that, I wouldn't have gone to Freed-Hardeman. If I hadn't gone there, I wouldn't have ever met and married Bradford {although he always told me that he believed God would've found SOME way to bring us together}. If I hadn't gone to FHU, I wouldn't have made the awesome friendships I did, helping to shape who I am, and ultimately landing me in Brownsville. And if I'd never come to Brownsville...

Last fall, my best friend went through a difficult loss. The long and short of it is that her husband decided that he no longer wanted to be married to her. {He didn't get the memo that you can't have a wife AND a girlfriend. OOOPS!} They were the ideal couple. They made each other laugh, seemingly respected one another, and even still talked in that ooshy gooshy voice on the phone. She happily cared for him in ways many other women don't care for their husbands. She spoke of him in ways many other women don't speak of their husbands. Even at his worst, he was her best. When she told me, I was in shock. It was unbelievable. It seemed he was just having some sort of temporary insanity. She really seemed like the best wife! And he, a great husband! There were so many ways I wanted to be like her in my own marriage.

Watching someone you love face difficult times when you can't do anything to fix it is one of the most helpless and heartbreaking feelings. {This is something those nearest and dearest to me have expressed time and time again since losing Bradford.} The months leading up to her divorce were devastating and overwhelming...and it wasn't even MY marriage!

"Coincidentally," our Wednesday night Bible study was on suffering. We looked to the scriptures to determine the benefits and dangers of suffering and God's part in it all. We discussed all sorts of ways people suffer, directly or indirectly. Why do children die? Why do members of our family suffer from cancer or other diseases? Why are there natural disasters? WHY IS THERE SO MUCH SUFFERING?! AND WHERE IS GOD WHILE IT'S HAPPENING?? I sat through week after week in this study, tears constantly streaming down my face. {I know people assumed iiiiiii was going through something. She hadn't made this public yet and I certainly wasn't going to share it}. Everything said could somehow relate to the heartache she was facing.

I shared my notes with her each week.  I’ve asked sweet Stacie to share her experience with us and express how she was able to see God working and helping her through it:

I remember kneeling before God and pleading with him to save my marriage. I had made promises to him and my husband that I planned on keeping until death do us part. My husband had not taken those promises so seriously.

In the children's book, Because of Winn Dixie, there is a sentence that I connected with. The sentence says, You can only love something as long as it will let you. I clearly remember reading this passage to a room full of 2nd graders. My eyes began to fill with tears as I realized just how true this statement was for myself and the man that I loved. My husband walked out the door. He never looked back. He left his home, our dog, and the life that we had built together.
Sad does not even begin to describe how I felt. It was a struggle every day to put one foot in front of the other. Smiling and greeting people seemed impossible. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I was in a very dark place.

My sister was out of town the weekend I discovered the affair. I called Brittany and told her to come over and quick. I told her everything and she was in as much shock as I was. You see, I had a happy marriage. My husband was very good to me, showered me with love, and always treated me with so much kindness. Many days I felt so bad for Brittany. I was absolutely miserable and I know I was terrible to be around. Not to mention the fact that everyone was asking her what was wrong with me and she had to keep my secret until I was ready to tell. 

This is where our friendship got deep. Her church was doing a study on suffering. She shared all the information with me. These papers truly SAVED me. They helped me to work through all the pain and rejection I was feeling. They gave me hope for the future.

Want to know the coolest thing about all those papers that Brittany shared with me on suffering? They are all in Bradford's handwriting. You see he knew all about the struggles I was facing. He wanted to help me too. I remember going to their house for dinner one night and Bradford and I had some time alone while Brittany finished cooking. He asked me about how I was doing and had some suggestions for me as I faced more difficult days ahead. I always told Brittany that one day Bradford would be a personal counselor. He had an ability to set you at ease and give Biblical insights to help lead your path. Brittany told me once that she heard Bradford praying aloud for me. My heart was touched.

This is the part where the way God was providing for me seemed to become clearer. I was finally beginning to feel like myself again, my divorce was final, and I was very content with life. Then on April 8th as I was taking Brittany home she received the MOST DEVASTATING news. That night I remember laying on the grass, holding Brittany, and thinking, how could this be happening? God? What do we do now?

God has prepared in us a friendship like family. I was able to take care of Brittany the way she had taken care of me. Then one day after things began to settle down a little, I looked at Brittany and said, THE PAPERS!  The papers that were in Bradford's handwriting! The papers that were all about suffering! I knew these papers and the messages within them were a part of God's providence. Bradford had prepared a gift for Brittany. I knew these papers would give her hope for the future on the dark days ahead.

Oh, and speaking of God's providence... Did I mention that the very week that Brittany received the news, the apartment connected to my home had just been completely renovated and was ready for a renter? Brittany is now mostly settled in that apartment. I can hear her sweet Ollie barking as I write this entry. She is close. We are here for each other. She is the definition of a friend.

One thing I know for sure is that God takes care of us. He took care of me. He is taking care of Brittany. Sometimes you just have to look at the sky and ask God for just one ray of sunshine. Don't you, Brittany? I hope that the future blogs she shares on suffering will help you as much as the have helped us.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

-Stacie Lefave

 

*I really don’t know how to best respond to that.  When she sent me this, it took me back to all of these dark times we’ve been through together.  We’ve truly seen each other at our worst.  I am so incredibly grateful for you, Stacie, and I could never fully express how much your friendship means to me.  I know God will give us many more rays of sunshine… :)  Oh, and you really weren't THAT terrible to be around :)

...

 It's crazy how sometimes I think I've figured God out. I am confident that God used me through that class to reach out and help my friend through the biggest challenge she's ever faced. It's even crazier how I can limit God. I mean, that seemed like such a big deal at the time...and it really was. I spent so much time digging through those scriptures with her and studying those concepts and truths with her.

What I learned:
-God doesn't MAKE those things happen, but He does allow them.
-Things could always be worse. I mean, look at poor ol’ Job.
-God WILL provide for His own, if only in the next life. We need only make it through this one as His faithful children.

-There are benefits we can receive through suffering.  {Wait, what?!}
-Did I mention things could always be worse?!

I felt like I was beginning to have a little clarity concerning this thing called life. Through her suffering I was able to cling to the good things I had. I can remember her telling me to hold my husband extra tight at night...and I truly did! Her trials helped me endure a rough patch I faced in my own marriage. I learned not to take him for granted and that individuals can only truly control themselves.

I can't imagine how differently my grief would have been or could have been had I not been so immersed in Scriptures and God's promises to His children.  I want to share everything that we discussed in class to maybe, just MAYBE, reach someone who is struggling with a hurt that seems unbearable.  For now I will just leave you with part of Bradford’s notes on the benefits of suffering…