Scrubbing

The psychic wound we experience when we lose a loved one to death is much like the physical wound caused by a bad burn. Burn victims are in extreme danger of infection. If an infection takes hold under the scab that develops over the burn it can become life-threatening, even when the burn itself is not. The only way to be sure that no infection develops is to scrub the wound periodically, which is extremely painful and said to be one of the worst aspects of the healing process.  "Grieving the Loss of Someone You Love" by Raymond R. Mitsch and Lynn Brookside

Writing has been a part of my scrubbing routine and I'm thankful for the pain it lets me feel in a healing way. I appreciate every bit of positive encouragement I've received from folks reading it. Thank you!

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Apart from showering, I think those flights home were my first real moments alone. I was SO thankful they weren't spent driving the long, lonely road back from KS, filled with every gas station memory and roadside adventure we'd ever been on together. I can remember driving back from Kansas just weeks before our wedding, crying the entire way, listening to songs and trying to nail down which ones I wanted us to use in the ceremony. Those HAPPY tears were exhausting...I can only imagine how this ride would have been. Luckily, nobody sitting beside me on my flights wanted to chat much and I was able to get some good reading and resting in.

When I got back to Memphis, my good friend Bryan Gore picked me up from the airport. My mom was able to come and stay with me for the week so we met up with her and went to his and Sami Jo's house for dinner. And I can't forget sweet Pacman! :) It was great to come back to an awesome meal with these incredible people! Thanks again for always being there, Samuel Joseph and Bryan! I love y'all so much!

What would it have been like coming back home without my mom there with me?  I can't fathom. We were able to laugh, we were able to cry, and then we were able to cry some more. There's nothing quite like being able to "ugly cry" in front of someone who truly doesn't judge you by it. {Many thanks to the countless others who have witnessed this cry, too!} I've been blessed to find not only a great Momma in Kim Anderson, but a priceless friend.

I never realized how much paperwork would be involved in this kind of tragedy. I know I spent an entire DAY filling things out that week, and that barely scratched the surface of all I needed to do with it. I had so many files with different documentation, that couldn't be sent until I had other documentation, etc., etc., ETC.!!! Wanna know one of the toughest, if not THE toughest, things about the documentation involved?
Seeing:

Bradford Higgins - deceased

How impersonal. How upsetting. How final. Don't they know he was my husband? Don't they know he is the man who had my HEART?! My WHOLE HEART?! It was a punch in the gut every time I saw that word. {I say that knowing that I wouldn't expect it to be written any other way. It's just a harsh reality. Some insurance companies really did have kind ways of offering condolences in their letters.}

It was important for me to do something on the side of the road at the site of the accident. The week before, Melissa and I had seen some little wooden crosses with pitiful looking bows on them in Walmart for $4.97. I said, " I can't put THAT out there! Everyone who passes by will say, 'That poor guy. Nobody loved him.'" I typed in roadside memorials on Pinterest and saw several cute ideas. As I continued scrolling I kept seeing this memorial called a ghost bike. This is apparently a big deal around the world and used as a way to remember those who have been struck and killed while riding their bikes. {If I'm being totally honest, THAT is how I always thought he would go. I was a nervous wreck with him riding his bike here in rural west TN!} I decided that it didn't matter what the tradition was concerning the ghost bike, it was a great visual of Bradford and one of his MOST favorite things in this world! So I started my search for a bike...I'm pretty sure 10 min after posting on Facebook that I was searching for one, I had 7 offers!

We took this bike:

I want to give a BIG THANK YOU to my sweet rafiki, Teresa Rachels!  It's perfect! :)

Momma painted it:

And I worked my magic.

Sweet Brandon Maurer texts me often to see if there are any jobs I can have him do for me {Taylor has asked me to have him pick up his clothes around the house! BAHAHA!}. I asked him to meet us in Trenton one night to help us get this memorial set up by digging a hole and setting a metal pipe in it with cement. THANKS Brandon, for breaking through that tough, dry ground, essentially digging a 10 foot hole, mixing the cement, and standing in the rain to get that done for us. If Momma and I had done it, we would probably still be out there! I'm grateful for you!

Here is what we accomplished that night:

Momma went back home that Friday morning. I kept pushing back when I wanted to go back to work and decided I could try it that Friday afternoon. Did I mention that I missed 2 1/2 weeks of school with only 1 week until our standardized testing?! Luckily, I was not worried about my students as they were under the care of two former colleagues as subs. I'm very thankful for my amazing administrators and incredible fellow teachers who truly allowed me to not worry about what was going on while I was gone. Mrs. Cheri Velotta was with my students that day and helped them welcome me back in the sweetest of ways. I'm thankful not only for the care and thoughtfulness she showed with my kiddos, but for her daily encouragement for weeks to come. I won't ever forget it.

Here is what I returned to:

I was showered with thoughtful gifts, warm hugs, and precious, precious words. HES is truly a place filled with beautiful people, both young and "seasoned!"

Ashley Springfield, a student's mom who has become my friend, had another surprise for me that afternoon. I met my students in the front yard after lunch to have a balloon release in memory of Bradford! It was beautiful to see them float to the heavens as I was surrounded by my excited kiddos!

The days and weeks that followed for the remainder of the school year were filled with ups and downs. It was good to be in a routine, but it was hard without him as a part of that routine.  There literally wasn't a minute that I wasn't thinking of him, sometimes with a smile, sometimes with a tear. ALWAYS ready to see him again.