For Better or Worse...

            It has been a while since I’ve written publicly about my journey.  I have many thoughts and feelings I want to share, so I want to write another post or two in this “timeline” series, remembering the weeks following my husband’s death.

            I was so anxious to be back with my in-laws on the trip back from my brother’s wedding.  There were countless times I hoped I was just dreaming and that I would wake up and find him there with them.  I remember coming into the house late that Sunday night to find a very solemn and sad group of people, some still in their pajamas from the night before.  I’m not judging…if it had been possible for me to do the same, I probably would have.  We sat around talking and catching up on the events from the weekend.  It was so weird to have them in our home without him.  It just didn’t seem right!  It WASN’T right!  Having them there to cry and talk with was just what I needed.  I’m thankful for the time we were able to do just that during their time in TN.

             It is amazing how blurry things can become with time.  There are some events I can recall so easily and others I can’t remember at all.  That is a major part of why I want to document these events on this blog.  I won’t forget the pain that I experienced this week.  I can’t forget the conversations I had looking into the eyes of his family, OUR family, slowly realizing that this was our new reality.

            I THINK it was Monday morning that Bradford’s supervisor from Youth Villages came over to retrieve his documentation from work.  It is always good to see and visit with Kerry.  He had so many kind things to say about Bradford and his work and was completely sincere in doing so.  I think I can vouch more than anyone about how dedicated he was to his job and the hours he put into it, but it was great to hear again and again how GOOD he was at it. 
            I’m pretty sure it was the next morning that Tyler and Ryan {my brothers-in-law…you know, Muscles/Beanie Baby and Rhino} took me around town to pay my bills.  We went to the bank, Time Warner Cable, and the Utility Dept.  I can remember Tyler asking, “Is this how you always pay your bills?!”  No…that’s how BRADFORD always paid our bills!  He laughed and said it suited him to be so personable :)  Soon after leaving the utility dept. I got a message saying that someone had already taken care of my utility bill and that they would destroy the check I just left.  WHAT?!  I don’t know who the kind soul is who did that, but I’m amazed at the kindness and generosity shown.  If you’re reading this, please know how thankful I was and am :)
            Dennis, Tyler, Ryan, and I went to Trenton to meet with the Lt. to get the accident report that afternoon.  Although still in a fog and sense of denial, I was in a better place to have an actual conversation with him than the previous time I saw him.  He answered any questions we had and even took us to the scene of the accident.  

What a view!  I've said so many times that this could've happened just up the road in front of McDonald's or the dollar store, but he went in a pretty beautiful location.

            There really aren’t words to describe how that felt and you can’t really imagine it unless you’ve experienced something similar.  Lt. Wilson explained the spray paint on the road which depicted the site of the impact and the final location of the vehicles.  The roadside was sprinkled with glass, plastic shards, and I even found his sunglasses.  After a while of piddling around out there, Tyler brought me something shiny and silvery.  I COULDN’T BELIEVE IT!  Although I received many things that were with him the night of the accident, I had not seen this or knew anything about its whereabouts.  I only assumed it had been destroyed.  Amidst all of the rock, grass, and rubble, Tyler found the face of the watch I had given him when he graduated with his Master’s degree!  Here is what it looks like now:

I am thankful to have this gift and reminder of the vapor that this life really is {James 4:14}

              After we left the site, we met the ladies in Jackson for dinner at Coyote Blues {one of our FAVORITES!}  Bradford always tried different things and LOVED the duck quesadillas!  There were many of those ordered with blueberry/raspberry sauce that night in his honor.  I can remember giggling with Melissa at one point about how depressed we were and how sorry we felt for our poor waiter.  It almost seemed necessary to say that we really are fun people!

             Blake Beckham, a former classmate and current employee of FHU, came to our house to discuss the scholarship fund with us on Wednesday.  We discussed the options we had and signed papers finalizing our desire to create this in his memory.  I can remember my father-in-law getting teary as he told how the endowed scholarship he received when he was a student there is still being given today.  It is important to us to do this to let his legacy live on.  The Bradford J. Higgins Endowed Scholarship was established to provide funds for graduate students pursuing careers in counseling.  Bradford and I knew the financial struggle that came with being a full-time graduate student with a part-time job.  His family and I wanted to help ease the burden of future professionals who have a passion for the same thing Bradford did: helping others through counseling.  Before the first scholarship can be given, we must raise $30,000.  I am SO thankful for those who have already shown such generosity.  If you are interested in donating to this fund, please visit https://give.fhu.edu/endowedscholarships. This link takes you directly to the online giving page and requires that you type that you’d like to donate to the Bradford J. Higgins Endowed Scholarship.  Please let me know if you have any questions :)

            Although I knew I was exactly where I needed to be, I could not help but wonder and worry about my precious kiddos at school and made arrangements to see them that afternoon.  I can remember being very concerned and prayerful about how to talk with them.  I knew that the principal and school counselor had seen them the day after the accident and told them the horrible news.  My principal even went to the lengths of calling each parent to let them know!  A great friend and former teacher of mine told me about an amazing book she read when her father passed away years ago and recommended it as one I could read to my students.  After I read it for myself I knew that was the best thing to do!  It was pretty terrifying thinking about how extreme my emotions could have been as I sat there before them.  Once I set foot in that room every concern I had stayed in the hallway.  I will never forget the joy and excitement I felt as I entered the room and laid eyes on my kids for the first time since my world was turned upside down.  I had to think quickly and make sure I had them approach me in an orderly fashion, or I’m pretty sure there would have been a stampede!  It made this girl feel pretty good :)

            As I began reading the book, I was a little nervous that I might get emotional.  That was another one of those moments that I KNOW God helped me through.  As I read each word I COULDN’T HELP but smile, dreaming of the Day that is to come.  If you’ve ever lost someone close to you or if you want to read to a child who has lost someone close to them, I would highly recommend The Last Place by Warren Hanson.  It is a kid-friendly book that uses beautiful metaphors while pondering what will be.  Being there with them for that short while was JUST what I needed.  That afternoon I received an encouraging text from one of my student’s mom that I won’t forget.  I just wanted to say thank you…my child woke up on the wrong side of bed today but when I picked him up he had the biggest smile and ray of hope in his eyes!  He said, “Guess what, Mom?  Ms. Brittany came to school today and read us a book.  She even gave me a hug!  And you know what?  She talked about Mr. Bradford without even shedding a tear.  You know, I really think she is going to be okay, Momma!  You were right.  God really is helping her.  I was reminded that day of one reason why I went into educating young children; it doesn’t have to do with what I teach them, but what they teach me.  I’m thankful for the power of God, even in a place He is not “allowed.”

             Melissa slept in bed with me every night since I returned to TN.  {Thanks for taking the couch, Ryan!}  I remember us being especially emotional that night, crying for Jesus to come, knowing that we were 8 days closer to seeing him again.  I don’t know if any of you out there have lost a spouse, are blind as a bat, AND slept with the sibling of your said spouse who looks an awful lot like them when your glasses are on, and even more so when they are off.  Wow.  I lost my breath more than once that week when I rolled over and saw her.

            The following morning we prepared to head to Kansas.  I was fortunate to be able to ride with them there and fly back.  I had to leave Ollie in TN with Brittany and Sophie, but I don’t think he minded :)

Since we go through Dyersburg on the way, we stopped by Youth Villages to see Bradford’s coworkers.  They were so kind and compassionate as they, once again, told us how special he was to them and his clients.  Earlier in the week they had a group session where each of “his kids” and their foster parents came together to talk about him, discuss their difficulties with this loss, and write letters to me stating how he impacted them.  Those were such incredible gifts to receive and I’m so grateful they took the time to do something so meaningful for me and his family. 

 

I remember doing a lot of sleeping on that trip and taking a bubble bath that night. 

            We spent Friday preparing for the Celebration of Life we were having in Bradford’s memory the next day.  We went shopping for some of his favorite things and I was able to have my hand in doing something creative to remember and celebrate him {Remember, I was sad that I didn't have the time or energy to devote to anything like that for his funeral?!}.  Here are some pictures from it:

 

        I couldn’t help but miss him even more, considering how much he would have loved to have been there.  I think he would have appreciated the cool touches that were so him, especially the Jalapeno Cheddar Cheetos that everyone assumed were regular.  OOPS! ;)  It was great to be able to see so many people from Kansas who loved him and his family and wanted to express their sorrow to us.  I think we all agreed that it was helpful to be able to see so many from their church family in this setting before attending worship services the next morning.  It was nice to meet some people that I had heard so much about but had never had the chance to meet before.  I just wish he could have been there :(

            One of Bradford’s recent favorite movies was The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.  We watched it at Ryan and Melissa’s house and I was reminded of why he loved it so much.  It was so him!  It made me feel strangely close to him as I remembered the two of us going to see it in theater and listening to him go on and on about how awesome he thought it was. 

            The next day was Easter and Tyler’s birthday!  It did not seem like much of a holiday because we were all so exhausted and emotionally drained.  Maybe we’ll be in better spirits next year, Tyler.
            After breakfast the next morning Dennis and Carolyn took me to the airport.  That was a tough goodbye.  I love these two more than they'll ever know!

            I had a lot of time to think and read on my flights.  I thought a lot about how much I missed him, what all I wanted to talk to him about, what will never be, and Heaven.  I thought a LOT about Heaven...and how badly I want to be there {like yesterday...}.

These are 2 of the books that I read on that trip and I've found them to be VERY helpful.  Remember the time my Daddy gave me amazing advice about the things people would tell me in the days to come?!  He learned that in a seminar given by one of these authors, Don Williams.

            I am so thankful for the week I had with my in-laws.  Let’s be honest…most of my friends would have been crazy after 2 days with their spouses’ families, but not me!  I was so blessed to not only get the best guy for me, but to get an added bonus of his incredible family!  They will ALWAYS be my family and I’m so grateful for them and their love.