TRUST ME!

So it’s usually hard to decide exactly how I want to start a post, especially when I know it’s not an upbeat, chipper, clickin’ my heels kind of beginning.  Let’s be honest...how many of my posts have actually started that way… ;)

Last week stunk.  More harsh realities crept in {and by crept I actually mean stabbed me in the chest with a knife} and death took the lives of those that colleagues of mine loved.  Several months ago a coworker in my district was told that her husband's cancer had returned and the outlook was not good. A couple of weeks ago I was told that the husband of one of my coworkers was in the hospital and would not be coming home.  Both of these men passed away last week.  People are generally sad about stuff like that--feeling sorry for those in the family, praying about it a few times, maybe thinking about it over the next couple of days.  Once you have come face to face with loss, you can’t help but feel a deeper hurt.  {Not that others CAN'T feel a deep hurt.  Weeping with those who weep has simply taken a new meaning for me.} It brought back so many memories of the first moments and days after.  I couldn’t help but wonder if in any given moment, this sweet teachers' assistant was experiencing one of her worst moments that she would remember months, and likely years or decades, later?  Is she making arrangements?  Is she filling out that dreadfully difficult paperwork? Is she wailing into his pillow?  Is she remembering to BREATHE?! My heart literally hurts just thinking about the pain.  I am thankful that my today is not a day I was facing a year ago, when it was still so very fresh and even more physically exhausting than it is now. It saddens me to think that would be even my worst enemy's current reality.

The service for Mr. Duncan was on Sunday.  I was under the assumption that someone was going with me, but as it turns out, I would be going alone.

Nobody would expect ME to go alone.  I’m sure she will understand.  I mean, this is something that is just so unbearable.  This hits so close to home.

Wait.  THIS HITS SO CLOSE TO HOME! 

On Saturday I spent some time working on a lesson that I plan to present in a class on a mission trip I’m going on to Tanzania, East Africa this summer.  I took a lot of good insight from the book I Love Me, I Love Me, Not by Mrs. Rosemary McKnight.  In it she describes how both low self-esteem and high self-esteem can affect the role you play in the Kingdom.  When you feel inferior, guilty, or fearful, you aren’t opening yourself up to opportunities for growth and encouragement that you could otherwise experience with confidence in yourself and in your God.  Thoughts of this lesson came to mind while I was playing an internal tug-of-war.

C’mon, Brittany.  The fact that this DOES hit so close to home is EXACTLY why you need to go.  You go places alone all the time.  You’ve got this.  He has helped you through every step of the way.  Remember how much people’s presence meant to you?  Remember how much HER kind words and deeds meant to you?  You have no choice.  Suck it up and GO!  You don’t have to stay—just speak to her before and you can sneak out. 

So I went.  Anxious and praying that I wouldn’t totally fall apart amongst strangers, I made the drive out to this church for the service.  When I pulled up, I wasn’t totally sure I was in the right place.  I walked in, only seeing a couple of familiar faces, and made my way to have a seat on the back row.  I hadn’t been sitting there too long when someone came up beside me and asked if she could sit there with me.

YOU’VE. GOT. TO. BE. KIDDING. ME.

Let’s rewind to April 9, 2014.  A sweet lady, who I came to realize was such a sweet and brave soul, came and knocked on my door.  She didn’t know me from Adam, but she brought me cards that her Bible class had made for me at church that night.  She explained that she lost her first husband in a car accident when she was in her 20s.  She and I had since made plans to have dinner and talk about things, but it just hadn’t happened yet.  The only conversation I had ever had with her before Sunday was on my doorsteps the day after Bradford died.  We didn’t have long to talk before the service started {which we ended up staying for because the family was not in there yet}, but that was the absolute best thing that could have happened to me.  We were able to share a little bit about our experiences, some with smiles and some with tears.  Although we don’t know each other well at all, we both know the hurt that comes from losing your spouse unexpectedly.  I know that she could have been the support I needed if I fell apart right there—and let’s be honest, she was a much better alternative than the menthol man sitting on the other side of me ;)  

Sometimes you have to look really closely at things and search intensely to see God in them.  And sometimes He just hits you square in the face and says HERE I AM!  TRUST ME!

 

After losing Bradford , they said I would have a million acts of kindness done and feel so overwhelmed with the goodness of friends, family, and strangers.  Ms. Mickie is such a kind lady. She is one example of a selfless and truly giving heart who showed up to help me when I needed it most.  Who would've ever thought I would have the opportunity to do the same a year later?!  I'm

crossing my fingers praying to God that I won't be too much or too little, but that I'll be able to provide just the right amount of love and encouragement that she and Ms. Jean need right now. Kind of like Baby Bear #justright ;)

I hope that you’re actively seeking Him through His Word and in your life.  He is there, and, boy, is He good.

{good} grief

May the LORD answer you in the day of trouble; May the name of the God of Jacob defend you; May He send you help from the sanctuary, And strengthen you out of Zion; May He remember all your offerings, And accept your burnt sacrifice. May He grant you according to your heart’s desire, And fulfill all your purpose. We will rejoice in your salvation, And in the name of our God we will set up our banners! May the LORD fulfill all your petitions. Now I know that the LORD saves His anointed; He will answer him from His holy heaven With the saving strength of His right hand. Some trust in chariots, and some in horses; But we will remember the name of the LORD our God. They have bowed down and fallen; But we have risen and stand upright. Save, LORD! May the King answer us when we call.

Psalm 20:1-9

          It's been a year of highs and lows, laughter and weeping, blessings and curses, love and loss, pride and humility. It's been a year since my husband died in a car accident at 28 years old. {You can read about it here.} It's been 365 days since I've heard his laugh, held his hand, looked into his eyes, and felt him look into my soul. As with many who face loss, we encounter a lot of unknowns. I better understand a lot of things now than I did a year ago, despite so many questions, and I'm certain I'll have an even better understanding a year from now.

 

          If I could have a conversation with myself a year ago about the things I need to do for myself in GRIEF in the following months {in true elementary teacher fashion with an acrostic ;)}, it would go a little something like this:

G is for Guidance
          Without counsel, plans go awry, But in the multitude of counselors they are established.  Proverbs‬ ‭15‬:‭22‬
          You're going to need counsel in many forms. Learning how to study the Scriptures, and I mean REALLY study the Scriptures, is going to be the best thing you can do for yourself. It is THE way to build your faith {faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God Romans 10:17}, and boy are you going to need that. It will honestly be the only thing that makes any sense.

          Committing to seeking guidance from a professional will be irreplaceable. You'll have so many emotions to sort through and it will be helpful to know what is "normal." It won't always be easy, but that's okay. None of this really is.  It's also going to be kind of convenient that your husband was "in the biz" and several of his friends/coworkers will regularly reach out to you to try and assist you.  It's going to be so precious and helpful to you, if only just by knowing that they remember.
          You will need to surround yourself with godly people with whom you wish to have help point to the Scriptures for strength and motivation. There will be no room in your life for naggers, but only people who will give you the encouragement and space you need to grieve this loss and help give you godly counsel.

R is for Rest and Redefining
          Rest is going to be more challenging than you think, but try to get it every chance you can. It isn't going to make any sense; your body will be more exhausted than you could've ever imagined, mentally and physically, yet you will struggle with getting a full night of sleep, oh, 364 out of 365 of the upcoming nights. You may wanna invest in lavender and Lunesta early on.

Seriously...thebomb.com. Who knew?!

          Redefining yourself is going to be one of the most challenging aspects of this grief thing. The instant your husband died, you became a widow. Husbandless. 1/2 of a "we." Don't rush into figuring this out, because when you do... Well, rest will REALLY become an issue then. It will be hard internalizing that you're not a wife anymore...that you're not HIS wife. One day you WILL reach a place that you become more comfortable with it. Not OK with it, but more comfortable. You will probably still say "we" a year later, but you'll eventually learn to play it off like you were talking about you and your dog.  #allthetime

I is for Information and Insight
          That the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give to you the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Him, the eyes of your understanding being enlightened; that you may know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints, and what is the exceeding greatness of His power toward us who believe, according to the working of His mighty power.  Ephesians‬ ‭1‬:‭17-19‬
          You're going to get a lot of books. Read them, mark in them, take notes, and reread. Although no two grief journeys are the same, there are things you can learn from the insight of others who have "been there." There is a LOT of interesting information on grief, and the more informed you are, the better you feel about it. Normalcy will be what you hope for when you feel your craziest.  You're going to meet others throughout this year who have traveled this road. Their insight and experience will help with creating normalcy. The bond you will feel with many of them with be instant, and you will all have at least one thing in common--nobody wants to be in this club.

E is for Expression
          Use your creativity to express your love and your loss. Some things will be more painful than others, but there is a lot of healing and encouragement in expression. Blogging, journaling, decorating, and creating a memorial will be excellent outlets for you. Do them, and do them often. Part of expression will be in surrounding yourself with people who are comfortable with hearing story after story and emotion after emotion.  Pray for these people, and pray for them often.  You're probably going to wear them out. :)

F is for forgiveness
          There are a lot of things that are going to be said and done that will be hurtful. Like your dad said, nobody is going to intentionally hurt you, but it's going to happen. Know it's coming from a good place. You're going to have some things about the past that YOU are going to regret...forgive yourself.

          When it comes to grief, I wholeheartedly believe in the power of the struggle and see the benefit to doing the "hard things," even when nobody else is doing them or understands why you're choosing to do them. Grief is more unique than a fingerprint. It is different for every person.  What works for me may not work for you and vice versa.
          I ran across an {article} recently that had some personal questions about how one feels he/she handled grief during the previous year. I plan to answer them and hope that if you're experiencing grief that you will, too.

1. Did I give myself permission to grieve freely, at my own pace, and in the ways I needed to?
2. Did I give myself permission to fully experience love for my spouse/child/sibling/friend?
3. Did I allow for moments of happiness without guilt?
4. Was I honest with others about my feelings?
5. Did I honor my loved one in ways I chose to?
6. Did I embrace my pain in order to release it?
7. Did I open my heart up to healing moments, once I was ready?
8. Did I go on living life in the aftermath of the death of my loved one?

          I've done a lot of thinking about Matthew 5:4-  Blessed are those who mourn, For they shall be comforted. Most commentaries that I've referenced say that this is talking about sinners being overcome with a godly sorrow, leading to repentance, and then ultimately being comforted by God who redeems His own through salvation. What I see in this verse is that the word mourn is a verb. It's an action, not a feeling. It doesn't say those who are really, really sad or those who cry...it says those who MOURN. If you consider the context of this passage in reference to grief, I think at some point, once we've gone through many of the stages, we can totally be comforted in a way that only turning to God can provide. Mourning takes action, and that's not always easy. Should you feel bad if it takes a while for that comfort to come to you? Not at all. My prayer is that all who mourn will totally embrace it and commit to riding it out while immersing themselves in His truth.
          Bradford James Higgins taught me more about life and love than I ever thought I could know. He was a fantastic fella and my most fav. My life is forever changed for the better because our paths crossed. There were moments I literally didn't know how I could take another breath without him. How would I make it through the day? Week? Month?! And here we are...a year later. I miss him every single day and always will. The last words he ever spoke to another person {from what phone records and timing tell me} were to me and were "I'll see you when I get there."

          How about I'LL see YOU when iiii get there, Bradford. :)