So it’s usually hard to decide exactly how I want to start a
post, especially when I know it’s not an upbeat, chipper, clickin’ my heels
kind of beginning. Let’s be honest...how
many of my posts have actually started that way… ;)
Last week stunk. More
harsh realities crept in {and by crept I actually mean stabbed me in the chest
with a knife} and death took the lives of those that colleagues of mine loved. Several months ago a coworker in my district was told that her husband's cancer had returned and the outlook was not good. A couple of weeks ago I was told that the
husband of one of my coworkers was in the hospital and would not be coming
home. Both of these men passed away last week. People are generally sad about
stuff like that--feeling sorry for those in the family, praying about it a few
times, maybe thinking about it over the next couple of days. Once you have come face to face with loss,
you can’t help but feel a deeper hurt.
{Not that others CAN'T feel a deep hurt. Weeping with those who weep has simply taken a new meaning for me.} It brought back so many memories of the first moments and days
after. I couldn’t help but wonder if in
any given moment, this sweet teachers' assistant was experiencing one of her worst moments
that she would remember months, and likely years or decades, later? Is she making arrangements? Is she filling out that dreadfully difficult
paperwork? Is she wailing into his pillow?
Is she remembering to BREATHE?! My heart literally hurts just thinking
about the pain. I am thankful that my
today is not a day I was facing a year ago, when it was still so very fresh and
even more physically exhausting than it is now. It saddens me to think that would be even my worst enemy's current reality.
The service for Mr. Duncan was on Sunday. I was under the assumption that someone was
going with me, but as it turns out, I would be going alone.
Nobody would expect ME
to go alone. I’m sure she will
understand. I mean, this is something
that is just so unbearable. This hits so
close to home.
Wait. THIS HITS SO
CLOSE TO HOME!
On Saturday I spent some time working on a lesson that I plan
to present in a class on a mission trip I’m going on to Tanzania, East Africa
this summer. I took a lot of good
insight from the book I Love Me, I Love
Me, Not by Mrs. Rosemary McKnight.
In it she describes how both low self-esteem and high self-esteem can
affect the role you play in the Kingdom.
When you feel inferior, guilty, or fearful, you aren’t opening yourself
up to opportunities for growth and encouragement that you could otherwise
experience with confidence in yourself and in your God. Thoughts of this lesson came to mind while I
was playing an internal tug-of-war.
C’mon, Brittany. The fact that this DOES hit so close to home
is EXACTLY why you need to go. You go
places alone all the time. You’ve got
this. He has helped you through every step
of the way. Remember how much people’s
presence meant to you? Remember how much
HER kind words and deeds meant to you? You have no
choice. Suck it up and GO! You don’t have to stay—just speak to her
before and you can sneak out.
So I went. Anxious
and praying that I wouldn’t totally fall apart amongst strangers, I made the
drive out to this church for the service.
When I pulled up, I wasn’t totally sure I was in the right place. I walked in, only seeing a couple of familiar
faces, and made my way to have a seat on the back row. I hadn’t been sitting there too long when someone
came up beside me and asked if she could sit there with me.
YOU’VE. GOT. TO. BE.
KIDDING. ME.
Let’s rewind to April 9, 2014. A sweet lady, who I came to realize was such
a sweet and brave soul, came and knocked on my door.
She didn’t know me from Adam, but she brought me cards that her Bible
class had made for me at church that night.
She explained that she lost her first husband in a car accident when she
was in her 20s. She and I had since made
plans to have dinner and talk about things, but it just hadn’t happened yet. The only conversation I had ever had with her
before Sunday was on my doorsteps the day after Bradford died. We didn’t have long to talk before the
service started {which we ended up staying for because the family was not in
there yet}, but that was the absolute best thing that could have happened to
me. We were able to share a little bit about our experiences, some with smiles and some with tears. Although we don’t know each other
well at all, we both know the hurt that comes from losing your spouse unexpectedly. I know that she could have been the support I
needed if I fell apart right there—and let’s be honest, she was a much better
alternative than the menthol man sitting on the other side of me ;)
Sometimes you have to look really closely at things and
search intensely to see God in them. And
sometimes He just hits you square in the face and says HERE I AM! TRUST ME!
After losing Bradford , they said I would have a million acts of kindness done and feel so overwhelmed with the goodness of friends, family, and strangers. Ms. Mickie is such a kind lady. She is one example of a selfless and truly giving heart who showed up to help me when I needed it most. Who would've ever thought I would have the opportunity to do the same a year later?! I'm
I hope that you’re actively seeking Him through His Word and
in your life. He is there, and, boy, is
He good.
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