Fog & Clarity

 

I know countless people from various places.  Spending my childhood in TX, growing up in MS, going to college with people from EVERYWHERE in TN, traveling to Africa several times, and marrying a sweet fella from KS have given me quite the group of acquaintances, friends, and chosen family throughout my lifetime. Life has taken me far away from some of those who are nearest and dearest to me.  I can imagine {and have witnessed} people being super polite with their condolences, but still wanting to know “the story of how it happened.”  Few have actually asked but I am willing to open myself up to share with those I’m close with.  And with those who are just nosey intrigued.  That’s ok, too.  Thank you for sharing this pain with me.

 This isn’t an easy one…

 April 8 started like any other morning.  I got up and ready for school, woke Bradford up and he made my lunch before getting ready for work. {#spoiled}  I always gave him a 10 minute warning before I left for the day.  It was just a normal Tuesday.  Bradford was about to hop in the shower and I kissed him goodbye before I left.  Who knew this would be the last time I would ever look into my Hun’s eyes?! :(

             We sent a few texts throughout the day, mostly business {Walmart list, taxes, ya know, boring grown up stuff}.  However, I got a sweet text from him just as I sat down to eat my lunch:

  

 This was our last conversation.  

 Wanna know something embarrassing?   

THIS is the last thing he ever heard from me…

HA!  We had this thing where we’d lay on the couch and I’d scratch

his head and he’d scratch my leg.  It’s the little things :)

He had a busy day of sessions, I had a full day of school and had a Review Club meeting that night.  My sweet friend Stacie picked me up for our meeting along with our {very pregnant} friend Sylvia.  We visited for a little while and had dinner before we started the meeting.  After we ate I went to my purse to get my chapstick.  Do you ever have moments that you recall with such clarity? 

 *I can remember starting to dig down in my purse to check my phone before going to the living room, but I decided not to because I determined I am WAY too addicted to that silly thing. 

 I have no idea what time that was or if it would have made any difference.  I might have seen that Bradford called, but I know I wouldn’t have returned it until I was leaving unless he texted me saying to call him.  It was a longer meeting than normal that night because we were trying to decide who would be the recipients of our scholarships.  The 3 of us left around 9:00.  I looked at my phone and saw that my brother-in-law, Tyler, sent a text at 7:15 to see if it was a good time for us to FaceTime with him, Allison, and sweet baby James.  I was just writing him back when I received a phone call.  It was Krystal, my friend and school’s secretary.  We rarely text and never call especially at that time of night.  She asked me if I was at home {remember, my car was at home since we carpooled}.  I said no but that I would be home in literally 30 seconds.  We were just up the street.  She said that someone had been trying to call me.  He would be calling me and I needed to answer the phone.  I was like ooookkkk?!  Is everything alright?!  She said just answer your phone.  I told the girls that I just got the strangest phone call from Krystal.  Right about that time we took the fork to the right and got on my street.  You know those moments of clarity I talked about?

 *Yellow lights reflecting off my white house

 *Police car turning around to come back in front of the house

 I felt my mouth get dry and my stomach sink.  In all honesty, I had NO idea what was happening.  The worst didn’t even cross my mind.  I told the girls to stay in the car and I would see what was up. 

 *A big, black man whom I’d never seen before came down the hill and asked me who I was. 

 I don’t remember the exact conversation about him asking me if I was Bradford Higgins’ wife.  It seemed like we were stuck in that moment for 5 minutes.  The next thing I knew, Stacie and Sylvia hopped out of the car and came by my side.  The cop asked who they were.  He was so hesitant to tell me whatever it was he needed to say.  {I was still clueless at this point.}

 *“I’m so sorry to tell you this, but your husband, Bradford Higgins, was killed in a car accident in Trenton this evening.”

 This is where clarity and fog begin intermingling quite intensely.

 “Are you sure it was him?”

 “Didn’t he work for Youth Villages?  Wasn’t he in session in Dyer today?”

 *Falling to my knees by the seemingly betraying buttercups in my yard

 I don’t really like reliving this moment, but I can remember looking up to him and saying, “Bradford JAMES Higgins?!” “Yes ma’am.”

 The time frame here is really skewed in my mind.  I remember Krystal coming over just moments after that.  I remember the policeman asking if there was anything he could do.  We had him to take Sylvia home {It didn’t occur to me that her husband would be FREAKING OUT about a policeman dropping off his wife who was 8 months pregnant!}.  Stacie’s sister Glenda came to take us to Humboldt where the ambulance had taken him.

 I went inside and got Ollie, our 1 year old miniature dachshund, to take him outside to potty.  I couldn’t even stand.  There really aren’t any words to describe how surreal this moment in time really was.  I noticed that Bradford called at 7:02 and left a voicemail.  I couldn’t bring myself to listen to it yet.  What if he was leaving me a voicemail when it happened?  IF this is even real…

 Glenda drove Stacie’s car to Humboldt.  I couldn’t really speak.  My legs were shaking uncontrollably.  Breath was hardly even reaching my lungs.

 *That long, dark road to Humboldt

 The whole way I was thinking that maybe there has been a mistake.  Maybe there was just some kind of misunderstanding and he would call me soon.  He would show up and say I was on some hidden camera show.  {What a sick joke…}

 THIS.JUST.COULDN’T.BE.REAL.

 Then another gut-wrenching thought crossed my mind—if this IS real, how in the world am I going to tell his parents?  Sisters?  My family?  How does someone even prepare for this?  I don’t know if I can do this.  I CAN’T do this!

 *Praying down that long, dark road to Humboldt

 We made a wrong turn and I could seriously feel my heart beating out of my chest wanting to scream GET ME TO MY HUSBAND!  When we arrived at the ER, I had Glenda to get out and find out where I needed to go.  I just could not go and stand in the lobby and explain who I was. 

 *Stacie turning around in the front seat, grabbing my hand, and praying with me.  What peace in that unsettling moment

 This is another pretty difficult part to relive.  Glenda got us to come in and a nurse showed us the way to the room we needed to go to.  Inside the room were the Lt. and coroner.  They introduced themselves and we sat down in this dirty room.  Long story short he explained that Bradford crossed the yellow line and hit an F250 head-on.  The conversation continued and I remember asking if he suffered.

 *He assured me that he died on impact.

 (Sidenote: Typing this out is so surreal.  I can’t believe this is 

real life.  Even 11 weeks later.)

 *The Lt. flipping a driver’s license between his fingers

 When the officer in Brownsville told us we would be going to Humboldt to meet with the Lt. I only assumed that I was going to identify him {Again, so weird to say}.  They asked me if I wanted to go see his body.

 *Glenda standing in front of me with her hands on my shoulders.  Telling me that she knows I want to see him, and I will see him, but tonight just might not need to be that night.

 There are just not enough words to say thank you for the wisdom of that precious woman there with me that night.  I am so grateful that I made the choice not to see him.  I know without a doubt I would have if she had not said that to me.  I can’t imagine the images that would haunt me.  It was important to me to be able to at least see his driver’s license, to have some kind of proof that it was him. 

 *Seeing his sweet face on his driver’s license

 The officer asked if I wanted to take his things with me.  I don’t think I really understood what he meant and was pretty hysterical in saying that I didn’t.  There was not much more left to say.  They asked if I wanted them to call our families.  I could not imagine how I would do that myself, but I really couldn’t imagine them receiving an impersonal call from a stranger giving them the worst news they could ever receive.

 They showed me to the “chapel.”  Stacie and Glenda gave me a moment to make my calls…except my phone wouldn’t work in this tiny closet of a room.  I went outside to the car make the calls.  I don’t know how long I sat there looking at the phone before I had the courage to click on Dennis’ name.  Their lives were about to be changed.  Forever.  They only had a few more moments before their worlds would be turned upside down.  I can’t imagine facing a more difficult moment in my life.  Ever.

 *”I don’t know how to say this”

 *”WHAT?!?!?!?!?!”

 After talking with him I tried calling my mom.  Again.  Again.  I tried calling my dad’s phone, knowing that he usually keeps his phone in his hat in the kitchen or charging in the living room.  No answer.  WHY DON’T PEOPLE HAVE LANDLINES ANYMORE?!  Oh, right.  Because NOBODY has landlines anymore.  My brother, Bradley, moved back home a few months before, so I tried calling him.  No answer.  I don’t remember if I called one or two more times.  He answered and I asked if he was at home.  He was so I had him to have Momma call me back.

 *”OH NO!!!!!!!!!!”

 *Imagining her fall to her knees

 Glenda drove us back and I received a couple of phone calls.  I got one of the most helpful blessings in one of those calls.  After about 5 minutes of silent crying on the phone, my dad gave me a little bit of advice.  He said the following:

 *“There are a lot of people who are going to say a lot of things to you in the days to come.  They mean well, but some of these things are going to be hurtful.  You need to know and remember that they don’t mean to hurt you.  It is coming from a good place; they just don’t know what to say.”

 Wow.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to remind myself of that.  How many feelings I didn’t allow to be hurt because I knew this truth…

 When we got back to my house, Stacie stayed for a few minutes.  We decided I would stay at her house and bring Ollie with me.  I needed a shower and she needed to take Duke {her boxer} to her mom’s.  It seemed like I’d be okay to be alone for that short amount of time.  To have my first moments completely alone.

 A few minutes later I got a phone call from Jody {a funeral director from Lea & Simmons, a former student’s dad, and a colleague’s husband}.  He spent some time offering condolences and kind words.  I had no idea how thankful I would be that it would be him that I’d be working with.  The next moment was super weird and surreal.

 *He asked for my permission to embalm him. 

 I said yes.  Wait? Do I have another option? {realizing what the other option was} Oh.  Yes.  I couldn’t help but think SURELY HE WILL BE POSITIVE THAT HE IS GONE BEFORE HE DOES THAT!

 Before I got my shower I decided to listen to his voicemail.

 *”Hey, Sweetie!  I’m sorry it’s taken me so long, but I’m just now leaving Dyer so I should be home around 8ish. Umm just calling to let you know that I was on my way.  I love you and hope that you’ve had a great day.  I’ll see you when I get there.”

 I am obviously sobbing at this point.  All I can imagine is him being in Paradise…and ME seeing HIM when I get there!  What an amazing visualization.  What an amazing REALITY.  Lord, come quickly!

             For as long as I’ve known him every personal email Bradford sent had the following verses listed:

            Philippians 1:21- For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain.

Philippians 3:20- For our citizenship is in heaven, from which we also eagerly wait for the Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ.

My, oh MY, what he gained in that citizenship that night.

“Nothing could take away this “beautiful” ache.”

“But if I could go back I wouldn’t change a thing.  I’d love you all over again.”

I have so many amazing things to tell about in the following moments, hours, and days to come.  Those things will get their due time to be heard.  For now I’m going to indulge in the pity of the worst day of my life. :(