It is WHAT?!

            I love crafting!  Hobby Lobby is my home away from home and my go-to place for all things creative.  I feel like such a nerd walking down the paper aisles imagining what a little Cricut or Cuttlebug action could do to each sheet!  Bradford knew my love for Hobby Lobby, and he would often go on “Hob Lob jobs” with me.  Umm…he even made up a song to the tune of Shake That Laffy Taffy {“Shop at Hobby Lobby…the Hobby Lobby…the Hobby Lobby…the Hobby Lobby…SHOOOOOPPP at the Hobby Lobby…” complete with this little twist dance he did ;) }  I would have never really thought that Hob Lob would be a painful place for me to go, but losing him made it that way for a while.  Hearing the music would often make me teary and most of the sweet little signs just sent me over the top.  I used to send him pics of ones that reminded me of him.  Signs like You're my most favorite of all time in the history of ever and I love you to the moon and back were always endearing to me and obviously made me think of him.  I won’t forget the first time I went in after losing him and seeing a sign that said:

IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL

Most people probably know that precious hymn and the story that’s behind it, but just in case you don't, here it is:

Horatio Spafford (1828-1888) was a wealthy Chicago lawyer with a thriving legal practice, a beautiful home, a wife, four daughters and a son. He was also a devout Christian and faithful student of the Scriptures. His circle of friends included Dwight L. Moody, Ira Sankey and various other well-known Christians of the day.

At the very height of his financial and professional success, Horatio and his wife Anna suffered the tragic loss of their young son. Shortly thereafter on October 8, 1871, the Great Chicago Fire destroyed almost every real estate investment that Spafford had.

In 1873, Spafford scheduled a boat trip to Europe in order to give his wife and daughters a much needed vacation and time to recover from the tragedy. He also went to join Moody and Sankey on an evangelistic campaign in England. Spafford sent his wife and daughters ahead of him while he remained in Chicago to take care of some unexpected last minute business. Several days later he received notice that his family's ship had encountered a collision. All four of his daughters drowned; only his wife had survived.

With a heavy heart, Spafford boarded a boat that would take him to his grieving Anna in England. It was on this trip that he penned those now famous words, When sorrow like sea billows roll; it is well, it is well with my soul..

Philip Bliss (1838-1876), composer of many songs including Hold the Fort, Let the Lower Lights be Burning, and Jesus Loves Even Me, was so impressed with Spafford's life and the words of his hymn that he composed a beautiful piece of music to accompany the lyrics. The song was published by Bliss and Sankey, in 1876.

For more than a century, the tragic story of one man has given hope to countless thousands who have lifted their voices to sing, It Is Well With My Soul.

http://www.sharefaith.com/guide/Christian-Music/hymns-the-songs-and-the-stories/it-is-well-with-my-soul-the-song-and-the-story.html

It is Well
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

It is well with my soul,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin—oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!—
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!

And Lord, haste the day when the faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

When I saw that sign, it took me back to sermons I’ve heard about it and I couldn't help but wonder how in the world the writer could have honestly said those words.  It is WELL with my soul?!  It wasn’t well with my heart or mind, let alone my SOUL!  Heaven knows I was back in that store again probably the next week.  I avoided the aisles with signs for fear of seeing ones that would make me weepy…ESPECIALLY THAT ONE!  After several more trips there and the eventual meandering back over to those aisles I saw it again. I decided then and there that one day I would be able to say that.  It wasn’t going to be for a long time, but I would.  When I could stomach it, I would purchase that sign.
            It’s sometimes hard to put into words what I’m thinking and feeling.  There is a lot of fear in honesty, and honestly, people can’t always handle the truth.  It is easy to hide from it, or in many cases, run from it.  Luckily I have a few close sounding boards to share my most blunt and honest thoughts with, and they have helped me recognize so many things.  Most recently I realized that verbalizing things makes them a lot more real than just thinking them, whether I’m writing them, discussing them, or praying them.  It can be quite terrifying.
            It has been so easy to be engulfed in my own grief for the past 8 months; in fact, it has been difficult to be anything less than trapped by it in many ways.  It’s scary to realize over time that I’m less than overcome by it and that I am finding happiness in many of life’s little blessings.  That I am open to the continued life that the Lord has given me and the opportunities He has given me through it.  I’m blessed in a million ways and I have often felt so selfish when I realized I may have diminished any of those for a second.  Although I haven’t had a really happy week, I haven’t had a very sad one either.  I can honestly say I have a new sense of peace…I've said time and time again I fear  judgement or criticism from others about what I do or don't do, say or don't say, feel, express, etc. Grief has been multifaceted for me and oftentimes hard to have others understand. I worry about what others who are grieving the loss of him {or even a different loss} think when I boldly say I have peace and joy. Am I seen as one who "got over it too quickly?" Or maybe I "didn't love him enough?!" Neither of those are true because I'll never be "over it" and I will always love him {don't pretend you didn't just hear Whitney's voice with that allusion :) } I wish life could have been different with him. Somehow the back and forth through the whole "bargaining" phase was pretty short-lived and the things I learned through it were so meaningful and empowering.
            If you are struggling with loss, what is your goal? Do you have one? Are you stuck thinking about things of this world, things that are temporary? My prayer is that you can take baby steps toward your goal, if only to slide back tomorrow to dust yourself off and try again.  I pray that you will have peace. I pray that the peace I have today will last a very, very long time and will help me to reach my Ultimate Goal.

How do you like my new decor? :)

Thankful for {black} Friday and Other Things...

      

But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. 1 Cor. 15:57

          Every year Bradford and I alternated whose family we would visit for Thanksgiving and Christmas. The first year we were married we went to the Anderson's for Turkey Day and the Higgins' for Christmas. For years and years my mom and I have gone Black Friday shopping with some dear friends of ours, the Ford and Upchurch girls. Missing Christmas Day with my family wasn't too heartbreaking that first year because I kind of decided that Christmas is whenever you make it. {This partially stems from Santa coming to visit us the night before we would leave to travel to MS from TX when I was a kid.} Thanksgiving was the same in that respect. Spending time with family is always special, and this was typically a time we got to share with more family. YAY!  What's the thing you can't celebrate just any ol' time? Black Friday!  

          Now, before the haters start reeling about the ridiculous, materialistic nature of this yearly ritual, let me tell you a little about what it means to me. It is a time I get to spend with some gals that are like family to me. We usually drive down to Foley, AL and get all the retail goodness we can stand. I love the lighthearted night/day full of laughter, inside jokes, and countless memories. We shop 'til we drop, laugh 'til we cry, get a little delirious, and have a blast at it! If there's one thing I've learned in recent months it is that material things really don't matter...it is spending time with those you love. This is evidenced by the amount of money I've ever had to bring on the trip and the amount of loot I actually walked away with.  On Black Friday I spend a lot of GREAT time with people I TRULY love!

*****

          The 2nd holiday season we were married it was his family's turn for Thanksgiving. Now let me make something clear--I LOVE my in-laws! I lucked out by not only snagging the most fantastic fella but by gaining them, as well.  They are so precious, funny, entertaining, and loving. I've always enjoyed spending time with them. Something that is always at the top if the list of things we do together is laugh. Whether it's about something crazy Bradford did, something Carolyn made up, a patient Melissa saw, or an old story about Dennis, we love laughing. Even if we had met under other circumstances, I believe we would have grown to be close friends :) I'm not sure if they knew it at the time or not, but I was a little sad that year. I can remember walking through Hyvee with Bradford  to get some last minute food items and ducking down an aisle to go find something because the tears just started coming! #pullyourselftogetherbritt I didn't want them to know I was sad because I REALLY enjoyed being around them, but the truth was that I missed my family. I missed Black Friday. My mom turned 50 that year and the whole crew had shirts made and planned to have a party in the parking lot waiting for whatever store to open. After dinner with the Higgins crew I checked my phone and found this:

They had several pictures of me on sticks to make it appear that I was with them, although I was hundreds of miles away. It was HILARIOUS! I laughed so hard at them and felt so special to still be included in this adventure.
          I say all of that to say that I wasn't too anxious about Thanksgiving without Bradford this year. Do I miss him with every fiber of my being? Do I wish he was here with me? Is it strange to travel without him? Yes, yes, and YES! Although Thanksgiving is such a special time to spend with family, that part of it is a little short-lived. Bradford and I always parted ways on Thanksgiving afternoon; I left to shop, he left to hunt with my dad and brothers for the next couple of days. I was used to not spending a ton of time with him during this holiday when we visited my folks.
          The trip this year was pretty fantastic! My sister-in-law {official in March!}, Lauren, was able to join us for the first time. We had a lot of laughs, starting with missing an exit because, ahem, the driver tried scaring us when we took a picture {DECK the halls!}. 

          I was not prepared for how I would actually feel on the darkest of {Black} Fridays. As the night went on I realized that I didn't have him to text or call to tell the great deals I'd found. It didn't matter how hot he'd look in the guys clothes, he wasn't here to receive them. I can't shop for him anymore. I can't buy him happys or gifts and can't make him say oooOOOooo and bite his knuckle if I get a new, cute outfit. It is painfully clear that I don't have him anymore. There are reminders of him everywhere. At the mention of the Macy's Parade I had a flashback to watching it with him last year in his parents basement; I was running on the treadmill and he and his dad were riding on the trainers. I've heard songs that only play this time of year, songs that he changed the lyrics to and made so funny. Simple memories that mean nothing to anybody else but are so significant to me. I am living without him. Some days are harder than others, but I'm facing the painful reality that he's not with me anymore.
          Although I obviously had some tearful moments, I had a new appreciation for the time I had to spend with everyone this year. I tried to be more present in every conversation, whether it was with my great uncle explaining why they couldn't put a metal OR plastic plate on his skull or making animal noises in the dark with my cousins to play with the kids down the road. We really have to cherish every moment. Tragedy can strike ANY family at ANY time. None of us are immune to it.

          I'm grateful for so many lessons I have learned and will continue to learn through my sweet Bradford's life and death. I'm especially grateful for God's caring hand and His promises. He IS taking care of me and will continue to do so.

Now, if I can make it just 'til St. Patrick's Day...