Is this real life?!

          

           It is God who arms me with strength, And makes my way perfect. (Psalms 18:32 NKJV)

          The fog was pretty thick over the next several days.  Every move I made {and still make} and every conversation I had {and still have} seemed so surreal.  {Is this real life?!}  I can remember MAKING myself breathe because it wasn’t happening very well naturally.

            Moments after I had gotten out of the shower and Stacie had gotten back to my house there was a knock on the door—and thus began the love and encouragement from friends.  Jeanna {the funeral director’s wife} and our friend Amanda came over soon after hearing the news.  Jeanna was with Jody when he was told he needed to have someone come and get Bradford.  I can still see Jeanna’s face and hands as she told me how she expressed to him that he was MY husband.  I was thankful to have people there with me…to experience the sadness with me…to sit in shock and disbelief with me.  I was also thankful to have a couple of smiles.  If it seems impossible to muster up even a semblance of a grin after the night I’d just had, you just don’t know Amanda and Jeanna. ;)

            I gathered a few things, my sweet Ollie baby, and headed to Stacie’s for the night.  We got out paper and a pen and started making a plan for what needed to be done.  I needed to call so many people, but it was after 1am at this point {I think?!}.  I would call them first thing in the morning.  I actually texted several people to call me as soon as they got the text, no matter what time.

            I NEED TO TAKE A TIME-OUT and say that there really needs to be a rule book with guidelines on what needs to be done in the moments following this type of devastation, not that I would have ever read it prior to that night.  There were a few things in which I didn’t know what the protocol should be.  I’ve already called my immediate family.  Do I call and wake my friends?  And cause them not to sleep?  Knowing they can’t do anything to “fix” this?  Or do I let them rest because I’m sure going to need them?  I chose the latter.

            I “went to bed” around 2:30.  I can remember being in that foreign, dark room.  Without him.  I went from sobbing to shock and a mixture of everything in between multiple times in the hours to come.  I never slept that night.  My body was totally exhausted but didn’t even begin to try falling asleep.  Taylor and Sami Jo both called me in the wee early hours of the morning and I told them the news.  They couldn’t sleep and eventually made it over to Stacie’s to be with me.  It was so strange.  I was at my best friend’s house…telling my best friends from college…about my BEST friend’s death.

I drank my 1^st Diet Coke in 4 months that morning.  And it was so bad/good.

            Natalie and Brittany came over before the sun came up.  We cried as I relived the night with them.  Although I was in such a deep, dark place, I can remember a moment that I looked around the room and saw my closest friends gathered around me.  Friends who have spent countless hours laughing and rejoicing with me were now weeping with me.  Words can’t express how blessed I am to have these girls {There will be a future post on just HOW blessed I am to have them!}.

            Only one of these ladies went to work that day {and I KNOW it’s only because she didn’t have a choice}.  They took the day off and we eventually went to my house.  Operation Clean the Higgins’ Home was about to begin.  I tried to warn them that there was no telling what they were about to walk into.  It was the first moment of many in which I felt that I needed help with something I could not do myself.  From now on when I need to do some tidying up, I’m totally calling my “Merry Maids” friends to help a sister out!  They got it done quickly and with little to no verbalizing what hoarders we might or might not have been.  THANKS for everything!

            Although it was such a sorrowful day, I don’t know how to adequately express how overwhelmingly blessed I felt having so many friends, acquaintances, church members, and family members in our home.  There were countless tears shed, plates of food brought, paper goods used, Kleenexes thrown away, and warm embraces shared within those 4 walls.  It was a place of intense sadness, but it was also a place overflowing with love.  I am so grateful for every act of kindness and every prayer lifted up on our families’ behalf.  THANK YOU a hundred times over!

            My parents, brothers {Bradley and Tyler}, and Lauren {Bradley’s fiancé} arrived around lunch.  I was so grateful to have them SAFELY there with me.  There were so many hugs I received that day, but there is nothing in this world like a Momma hug.  Bradford’s parents, Dennis and Carolyn, arrived a little while later.  The mother and father of the man I loved were there with me.  And he wasn’t.  What a slap in the face from reality.  I honestly think I blocked those first few moments with them from my mind because of the intensity of the pain.  I needed ALL of our families there with me from the moment I found out.  We loved and missed our families every day and were always so happy to have them with us.  What a bitterly bittersweet encounter.

            My dad stayed at the house while the rest of our families went to the funeral home to make arrangements.  Make arrangements.  For my husband.  It’s just so surreal.  We all gathered around the table and discussed the things that would take place in the days to come.  I felt nauseous the whole time because there was no way this was really happening to me.  This only happens to other people.  It was easy for me to get caught up in my own sadness, but I found myself imagining what it would be like to be in others’ shoes throughout this visit.  His poor mom and dad, burying their only son.  My parents, saying goodbye their favorite son-in-law.  My brothers, laying their brother to rest.  And poor little Lauren over there.  What a horrible and terrifying experience. 

Jody Lea is a class-act in his profession.  I can’t imagine a more devastating and emotional experience, but he made it the easiest and best it could be.  It takes a special person to be in his line of work.  I am grateful for his kind and tender spirit as he listened to our wants and needs.  He went above and beyond.  This conversation was really difficult, but not as painful as it had been the night before with someone who should NOT be in this line of work.  He recommended that we have a closed casket visitation and funeral.  How could I even bear that?  It seemed so wild that I would never have the chance to see my Hun’s face again.  I asked him if I could at least see his hands just so I could know it was him… That didn’t really sound like a possibility either.  There we sat…in a deeper level of disbelief.

            We made our way to the casket room {yes, there is actually a room with samples of the options you have}.  It was pretty weird that I walked in and knew immediately which one would be his.  Maybe the lighting in the room is set up to draw people that way, but it just seemed like the perfect one for him.  It was very earthy; wooden and carved.  There is no doubt in my mind that is the one he would have chosen for himself.  I’m just glad the rest of the family agreed.

            As if my heart could be any more broken, his sisters arrived, shattering it into a million more pieces.  Those 3 had such a close kinship and it hurt so much to see and share their pain.  It really is difficult for me to remember much else from that evening. 

            Carolyn’s family has several burial plots in Memphis, so she, Dennis, and I met with the folks there Thursday morning to make arrangements for his funeral the following day.  We’ve had a lot of great adventures together and had plans for many more.  This wasn’t exactly in those plans.  In fact, when they were visiting 2 weekends before, I wondered how in the WORLD I would be able to be there for him when his parents passed away.  I couldn’t imagine.  Wow.  Anyways, we discussed various unreal things on the way, namely the funeral {the who, what, where business}.  My gut still hurts even thinking about how painful that was and still is.

            Glenda went to Trenton, cleaned out his car, and brought all of his belongings from the police department to me that afternoon.  Receiving his keys is probably the most vivid memory I have from that dreadful day.  Again, I’m so grateful she was so strong and brave to do something none of us could have done.  Thank you, Glenda and Stacie, for all you did and for our pow wow in the bathroom {the only private place in my house}.  I won’t ever forget it.

            As I got ready to go to the visitation, I noticed Ollie curled up on the couch all by himself.  That was the moment I knew that he was aware of his Poppa being gone.  Ollie waited for Bradford on the couch every single night and I totally lost it as I told him that he wasn’t going to be coming back to our house anymore.  {I am completely serious when I say I don’t know how people explain to their children that they’ve lost their father.  I couldn’t even get the words out with a dog.  A DOG!  Our dog…}

            We saw Jody by the side doors when we pulled up to go inside the funeral home. He asked me if I knew that the casket was open.  OPEN!  This was the first I had heard of it so I had him close it so I could come inside and talk with Bradford's parents about it.  The previous day we all decided we would have his uncle to view him beforehand and let us know whether or not it would be a good idea. 

I CAN’T IMAGINE HOW I WOULD BE COPING NOW IF I HADN’T SEEN HIM!

It already seems unreal enough as it is, and I saw him.  I touched him.

Overwhelmed.  Amazed.  Impressed.  Heartbroken.  Thankful.  Saddened.  Blessed.

There aren’t enough words to describe what I recall about the night of the visitation.  We saw SO many people.  We expected many of them who came, but I was amazed by the multitude that showed up to pay their respects and offer condolences.  It was tough to see so many that knew and loved him in such a depressing situation, but it was also amazing to hear of the impact that he made on so many.  What a legacy he left behind.  I’ve KNOWN my life was forever changed the moment he became a part of it, but it was awesome to hear the same from others.  It was a long night, but it actually went by really quickly.  The comparison I’m about to make is kind of strange, but it was kind of like on our wedding day when we were only able to briefly converse with those who were nearest and dearest to us.

            My lack of sleep was starting to take its toll on me.  I was so exhausted, but I had so much to do.  There was so much I wanted and needed to do.  I was feeling guilty because I had not had the time to “create” anything.  I did not have the time to make a cool board with pictures of him or cut out any of his signature phrases with my Cricut.  It was all I could do to gather up some pictures for the slideshow and collect various frames and memorabilia.  I did not even sit down to write what I wanted to have said at his funeral until 2am!  There was simply no time, and like I said, exhaustion was setting in.  I have to give a shout out to my sweet daddy who proofread it for me whenever I woke him up upon completing it.

            April 11, 2014 was a continuation of the night before.  We had an hour or so of visitation before the funeral.  I was ASTOUNDED by the number of people that I saw, knowing the distance that many of them traveled.  Whether people trekked across town or across the nation, I was touched by each one there.  We’ve been blessed with an incredible number of people who love us and our families.

            I don’t really want to write much about his funeral other than I think it was exactly how he would have planned it.  It was formal and it was informal.  It was unbearable and hysterical.  There was talk of our Savior and Manchester United. It seems ironic for me to even think of his funeral as beautiful.  Here I go again with this beautiful ache…

            I laid {who I always referred to as} my MOST fav to rest that day.  I don’t remember anything that was said at his graveside.  I will never forget seeing him lowered into the ground, leaving enough room for me to be above him one day.  I will never forget seeing the dirt being dumped into that deep, cold hole.

            I will never forget the happiest, warmest, most amazing years of my life with Bradford Higgins.