Seasons

To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven: A time to be born, And a time to die; A time to plant, And a time to pluck what is planted; A time to kill, And a time to heal; A time to break down, And a time to build up; A time to weep, And a time to laugh; A time to mourn, And a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, And a time to gather stones; A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing; A time to gain, And a time to lose; A time to keep, And a time to throw away; A time to tear, And a time to sew; A time to keep silence, And a time to speak; A time to love, And a time to hate; A time of war, And a time of peace. 

(Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 NKJV)

Oh yeah...did I mention that my baby brother, Tyler, was to be wed the next day? And that Janna {his bride-to-be} and Ms. Lori {my otha motha & the caterer} were there for the visitation Thursday and the funeral on Friday?! This is a prime example of actions speaking louder than words. I love you, Janna, and am so thankful you were there with us.

              Stacie and I left straight from the cemetery to head down to the rehearsal dinner. I wish so badly that I would have been able to be in two places at once. It was incredibly special to have so many friends and extended family in town and I would have loved more time to catch up with them at our house. Luckily I was beyond the point of feeling like I had to be in control of anything because I couldn't begin to tell you who all was in our home or what happened while I was gone {except for a minor plumbing issue that I didn't find out about until my return home ;) } I'm thankful the Higgins were there to "entertain" our out of town guests and were willing and able to watch Ollie while I was gone. I missed him terribly but knew he was in good hands.

It was so strange to leave my husband’s funeral and head to my brother’s wedding.  We stopped at Popeye’s on the way {one of Bradford’s favs}.  That may have been the first meal I actually ate that week. The trip down was amazing in the fact that I had 5 or so hours to just sit and breathe.  If I needed to talk, cry, whatever…Stacie was just the chauffeur.  I’ll be the first to tell you that wasn’t an easy task!  Thank you, Stacie, for being whatever I needed you to be on that trip. For letting me tell you random memories. For being my shoulder to cry on. For listening to funny voicemails with me {“You must be planning it with Daniel.” “Please bring the hand cream from Norwegia…my hands are super dry and I just need some kind of relief”}  OH, how I miss that crazy guy!  We OBVIOUSLY had to stop by Whataburger to get a malt and shake :)

     We finally made it to the dinner at Janna’s parents’ house.  First of all, it was like a fairy tale…dimly lit out under the great MS pines.  It was incredible!  Tyler announced how thankful they were for everyone to be there and to be a part of their big day and passed out gifts to their wedding party.  Receiving Bradford’s was pretty emotional.  It was probably just the week before that Janna texted me to ask what his initials were.

             Tyler and Janna came up to me and said they wanted to do something in memory of Bradford but only if I was ok with it.  We were going to release lanterns!  I LOVED the idea!  What a cool thing to do…AND in Bradford’s memory?!  “Groovy!”  I kind of felt like I was on The Bachelorette because it was something they did on an episode we watched.  {Yes, he was THAT husband!}

 

The next morning Stacie and I went to get pedicures.  I’ve had my feet rubbed up on innumerable times…but there was NOTHING like the pedi I got that morning!  The lavender, the paraffin wax, ahh…it was JUST what the doctor ordered! 

That awkward moment when you try to sneak a pic of your foot in wax and forget that your volume is turned up loud.  {CLICK!}

 

      Before the wedding I pulled Tyler aside to give him a special gift.  The first year I brought Bradford home for Christmas, Tyler's gift to him came in a McDonald's bag.  A freshly wrapped cheeseburger WALLET!  I thought he might need something to keep that cash in on the honeymoon :)  And let me ease any inquiring minds...YES BRADFORD USED IT!  Mostly around Tyler, though.

I was pretty nervous about how I would manage during the wedding.  This was obviously the first one I would attend without him, and, honestly, weddings were always so much more emotional for me since becoming a bride myself.  Everything about their wedding was absolutely gorgeous!  The bride and groom, the attendants, the pews, the flowers, the sunshine…everything.  The preacher began the ceremony by reading from Ecclesiastes 3 and noting the tragedy of losing Bradford.  What a touching, yet surreal, moment.

I LOVED that Tyler represented Bradford by doing his signature “nod” move!  Thanks for that, Tyler.  You would’ve totally gotten a neck hug or pelvis hug out of that one :)

Here are a few pictures from the day:

 

THE POWER OF PRAYER.

Nothing short of God our Father above got me through that day.  I am CONFIDENT that it was the prayers of so many that helped me endure that time without him.  He helped me by giving me a joyful occasion in which to embrace many people who might’ve otherwise crumbled upon seeing me.  He gave us a beautiful day to witness the bond He instituted.  He gave me happy memories of my own wedding day, remembering how blessed I felt to have this man forever.  I would not have been there, or even off of the ground in my front yard, if it was not for the power of prayer and the hope the Lord has given us.

The following morning we went to church at Kensington Woods Church of Christ.  I can’t BEGIN to tell you how much I miss the brethren there.  This congregation helped to provide the foundation my faith needed and continues to encourage me.  I will express to all of you what I shared with the assembly that morning.  I am experiencing such sorrow and pain and need prayers to continue in my day to day life without him.  It has been and will continue to be a very difficult road to travel.  I also want my brothers and sisters to add more specifics when lifting me up to the Father.  I have been very deliberate and persistent in my prayers for the past couple of years, especially this past one, to be aware of opportunities I have to share the gospel with others.  I don’t want to be caught up in myself, my own selfish desires or foolish ways, and miss any chance to increase the Kingdom.  I in NO WAY believe that God made this accident happen.  He is not in the business of intentionally hurting His children.  Although it has been an unimaginable nightmare I fully trust that He can use this tragedy in a number of ways to teach us valuable lessons.  {I wish so badly that this wouldn’t have happened.  It is such an overwhelmingly intense hurt.  It’s just not fair :( } He has shown us how quickly our lives can end…with no warning.  We may not have tomorrow.  We may not even have another breath.  WE MUST BE READY.  And as Christians, we must help others to be ready, too.  Although my body is suffering from a type of exhaustion I never knew existed, my spirit has been renewed and revitalized with greater purpose.  If I’m going to be exhausted, I want to be exhausted for His cause.  I want to pray too much.  I want to study too much.  I want to dig deeply in His Word with others too much.  I want too many people in the church.  I want to see too many people I know and love in heaven. 

“Death is only the beginning of everything I’m living my life for.”  My brother, Bradley, shared this verse of a song with me recently and I LOVE IT!  It truly is.  People have been there to help me in amazing ways over these past 3 months.  They have done things that I physically have not been able to do.  I want to continue in my Christian walk by giving back to others by sharing the hope that is in me.  Please know that I would love to share more about this with you. I want to help you on your journey.  I want to spend eternity with God, Bradford, and YOU!

Is this real life?!

          

           It is God who arms me with strength, And makes my way perfect. (Psalms 18:32 NKJV)

          The fog was pretty thick over the next several days.  Every move I made {and still make} and every conversation I had {and still have} seemed so surreal.  {Is this real life?!}  I can remember MAKING myself breathe because it wasn’t happening very well naturally.

            Moments after I had gotten out of the shower and Stacie had gotten back to my house there was a knock on the door—and thus began the love and encouragement from friends.  Jeanna {the funeral director’s wife} and our friend Amanda came over soon after hearing the news.  Jeanna was with Jody when he was told he needed to have someone come and get Bradford.  I can still see Jeanna’s face and hands as she told me how she expressed to him that he was MY husband.  I was thankful to have people there with me…to experience the sadness with me…to sit in shock and disbelief with me.  I was also thankful to have a couple of smiles.  If it seems impossible to muster up even a semblance of a grin after the night I’d just had, you just don’t know Amanda and Jeanna. ;)

            I gathered a few things, my sweet Ollie baby, and headed to Stacie’s for the night.  We got out paper and a pen and started making a plan for what needed to be done.  I needed to call so many people, but it was after 1am at this point {I think?!}.  I would call them first thing in the morning.  I actually texted several people to call me as soon as they got the text, no matter what time.

            I NEED TO TAKE A TIME-OUT and say that there really needs to be a rule book with guidelines on what needs to be done in the moments following this type of devastation, not that I would have ever read it prior to that night.  There were a few things in which I didn’t know what the protocol should be.  I’ve already called my immediate family.  Do I call and wake my friends?  And cause them not to sleep?  Knowing they can’t do anything to “fix” this?  Or do I let them rest because I’m sure going to need them?  I chose the latter.

            I “went to bed” around 2:30.  I can remember being in that foreign, dark room.  Without him.  I went from sobbing to shock and a mixture of everything in between multiple times in the hours to come.  I never slept that night.  My body was totally exhausted but didn’t even begin to try falling asleep.  Taylor and Sami Jo both called me in the wee early hours of the morning and I told them the news.  They couldn’t sleep and eventually made it over to Stacie’s to be with me.  It was so strange.  I was at my best friend’s house…telling my best friends from college…about my BEST friend’s death.

I drank my 1^st Diet Coke in 4 months that morning.  And it was so bad/good.

            Natalie and Brittany came over before the sun came up.  We cried as I relived the night with them.  Although I was in such a deep, dark place, I can remember a moment that I looked around the room and saw my closest friends gathered around me.  Friends who have spent countless hours laughing and rejoicing with me were now weeping with me.  Words can’t express how blessed I am to have these girls {There will be a future post on just HOW blessed I am to have them!}.

            Only one of these ladies went to work that day {and I KNOW it’s only because she didn’t have a choice}.  They took the day off and we eventually went to my house.  Operation Clean the Higgins’ Home was about to begin.  I tried to warn them that there was no telling what they were about to walk into.  It was the first moment of many in which I felt that I needed help with something I could not do myself.  From now on when I need to do some tidying up, I’m totally calling my “Merry Maids” friends to help a sister out!  They got it done quickly and with little to no verbalizing what hoarders we might or might not have been.  THANKS for everything!

            Although it was such a sorrowful day, I don’t know how to adequately express how overwhelmingly blessed I felt having so many friends, acquaintances, church members, and family members in our home.  There were countless tears shed, plates of food brought, paper goods used, Kleenexes thrown away, and warm embraces shared within those 4 walls.  It was a place of intense sadness, but it was also a place overflowing with love.  I am so grateful for every act of kindness and every prayer lifted up on our families’ behalf.  THANK YOU a hundred times over!

            My parents, brothers {Bradley and Tyler}, and Lauren {Bradley’s fiancé} arrived around lunch.  I was so grateful to have them SAFELY there with me.  There were so many hugs I received that day, but there is nothing in this world like a Momma hug.  Bradford’s parents, Dennis and Carolyn, arrived a little while later.  The mother and father of the man I loved were there with me.  And he wasn’t.  What a slap in the face from reality.  I honestly think I blocked those first few moments with them from my mind because of the intensity of the pain.  I needed ALL of our families there with me from the moment I found out.  We loved and missed our families every day and were always so happy to have them with us.  What a bitterly bittersweet encounter.

            My dad stayed at the house while the rest of our families went to the funeral home to make arrangements.  Make arrangements.  For my husband.  It’s just so surreal.  We all gathered around the table and discussed the things that would take place in the days to come.  I felt nauseous the whole time because there was no way this was really happening to me.  This only happens to other people.  It was easy for me to get caught up in my own sadness, but I found myself imagining what it would be like to be in others’ shoes throughout this visit.  His poor mom and dad, burying their only son.  My parents, saying goodbye their favorite son-in-law.  My brothers, laying their brother to rest.  And poor little Lauren over there.  What a horrible and terrifying experience. 

Jody Lea is a class-act in his profession.  I can’t imagine a more devastating and emotional experience, but he made it the easiest and best it could be.  It takes a special person to be in his line of work.  I am grateful for his kind and tender spirit as he listened to our wants and needs.  He went above and beyond.  This conversation was really difficult, but not as painful as it had been the night before with someone who should NOT be in this line of work.  He recommended that we have a closed casket visitation and funeral.  How could I even bear that?  It seemed so wild that I would never have the chance to see my Hun’s face again.  I asked him if I could at least see his hands just so I could know it was him… That didn’t really sound like a possibility either.  There we sat…in a deeper level of disbelief.

            We made our way to the casket room {yes, there is actually a room with samples of the options you have}.  It was pretty weird that I walked in and knew immediately which one would be his.  Maybe the lighting in the room is set up to draw people that way, but it just seemed like the perfect one for him.  It was very earthy; wooden and carved.  There is no doubt in my mind that is the one he would have chosen for himself.  I’m just glad the rest of the family agreed.

            As if my heart could be any more broken, his sisters arrived, shattering it into a million more pieces.  Those 3 had such a close kinship and it hurt so much to see and share their pain.  It really is difficult for me to remember much else from that evening. 

            Carolyn’s family has several burial plots in Memphis, so she, Dennis, and I met with the folks there Thursday morning to make arrangements for his funeral the following day.  We’ve had a lot of great adventures together and had plans for many more.  This wasn’t exactly in those plans.  In fact, when they were visiting 2 weekends before, I wondered how in the WORLD I would be able to be there for him when his parents passed away.  I couldn’t imagine.  Wow.  Anyways, we discussed various unreal things on the way, namely the funeral {the who, what, where business}.  My gut still hurts even thinking about how painful that was and still is.

            Glenda went to Trenton, cleaned out his car, and brought all of his belongings from the police department to me that afternoon.  Receiving his keys is probably the most vivid memory I have from that dreadful day.  Again, I’m so grateful she was so strong and brave to do something none of us could have done.  Thank you, Glenda and Stacie, for all you did and for our pow wow in the bathroom {the only private place in my house}.  I won’t ever forget it.

            As I got ready to go to the visitation, I noticed Ollie curled up on the couch all by himself.  That was the moment I knew that he was aware of his Poppa being gone.  Ollie waited for Bradford on the couch every single night and I totally lost it as I told him that he wasn’t going to be coming back to our house anymore.  {I am completely serious when I say I don’t know how people explain to their children that they’ve lost their father.  I couldn’t even get the words out with a dog.  A DOG!  Our dog…}

            We saw Jody by the side doors when we pulled up to go inside the funeral home. He asked me if I knew that the casket was open.  OPEN!  This was the first I had heard of it so I had him close it so I could come inside and talk with Bradford's parents about it.  The previous day we all decided we would have his uncle to view him beforehand and let us know whether or not it would be a good idea. 

I CAN’T IMAGINE HOW I WOULD BE COPING NOW IF I HADN’T SEEN HIM!

It already seems unreal enough as it is, and I saw him.  I touched him.

Overwhelmed.  Amazed.  Impressed.  Heartbroken.  Thankful.  Saddened.  Blessed.

There aren’t enough words to describe what I recall about the night of the visitation.  We saw SO many people.  We expected many of them who came, but I was amazed by the multitude that showed up to pay their respects and offer condolences.  It was tough to see so many that knew and loved him in such a depressing situation, but it was also amazing to hear of the impact that he made on so many.  What a legacy he left behind.  I’ve KNOWN my life was forever changed the moment he became a part of it, but it was awesome to hear the same from others.  It was a long night, but it actually went by really quickly.  The comparison I’m about to make is kind of strange, but it was kind of like on our wedding day when we were only able to briefly converse with those who were nearest and dearest to us.

            My lack of sleep was starting to take its toll on me.  I was so exhausted, but I had so much to do.  There was so much I wanted and needed to do.  I was feeling guilty because I had not had the time to “create” anything.  I did not have the time to make a cool board with pictures of him or cut out any of his signature phrases with my Cricut.  It was all I could do to gather up some pictures for the slideshow and collect various frames and memorabilia.  I did not even sit down to write what I wanted to have said at his funeral until 2am!  There was simply no time, and like I said, exhaustion was setting in.  I have to give a shout out to my sweet daddy who proofread it for me whenever I woke him up upon completing it.

            April 11, 2014 was a continuation of the night before.  We had an hour or so of visitation before the funeral.  I was ASTOUNDED by the number of people that I saw, knowing the distance that many of them traveled.  Whether people trekked across town or across the nation, I was touched by each one there.  We’ve been blessed with an incredible number of people who love us and our families.

            I don’t really want to write much about his funeral other than I think it was exactly how he would have planned it.  It was formal and it was informal.  It was unbearable and hysterical.  There was talk of our Savior and Manchester United. It seems ironic for me to even think of his funeral as beautiful.  Here I go again with this beautiful ache…

            I laid {who I always referred to as} my MOST fav to rest that day.  I don’t remember anything that was said at his graveside.  I will never forget seeing him lowered into the ground, leaving enough room for me to be above him one day.  I will never forget seeing the dirt being dumped into that deep, cold hole.

            I will never forget the happiest, warmest, most amazing years of my life with Bradford Higgins.

Fog & Clarity

 

I know countless people from various places.  Spending my childhood in TX, growing up in MS, going to college with people from EVERYWHERE in TN, traveling to Africa several times, and marrying a sweet fella from KS have given me quite the group of acquaintances, friends, and chosen family throughout my lifetime. Life has taken me far away from some of those who are nearest and dearest to me.  I can imagine {and have witnessed} people being super polite with their condolences, but still wanting to know “the story of how it happened.”  Few have actually asked but I am willing to open myself up to share with those I’m close with.  And with those who are just nosey intrigued.  That’s ok, too.  Thank you for sharing this pain with me.

 This isn’t an easy one…

 April 8 started like any other morning.  I got up and ready for school, woke Bradford up and he made my lunch before getting ready for work. {#spoiled}  I always gave him a 10 minute warning before I left for the day.  It was just a normal Tuesday.  Bradford was about to hop in the shower and I kissed him goodbye before I left.  Who knew this would be the last time I would ever look into my Hun’s eyes?! :(

             We sent a few texts throughout the day, mostly business {Walmart list, taxes, ya know, boring grown up stuff}.  However, I got a sweet text from him just as I sat down to eat my lunch:

  

 This was our last conversation.  

 Wanna know something embarrassing?   

THIS is the last thing he ever heard from me…

HA!  We had this thing where we’d lay on the couch and I’d scratch

his head and he’d scratch my leg.  It’s the little things :)

He had a busy day of sessions, I had a full day of school and had a Review Club meeting that night.  My sweet friend Stacie picked me up for our meeting along with our {very pregnant} friend Sylvia.  We visited for a little while and had dinner before we started the meeting.  After we ate I went to my purse to get my chapstick.  Do you ever have moments that you recall with such clarity? 

 *I can remember starting to dig down in my purse to check my phone before going to the living room, but I decided not to because I determined I am WAY too addicted to that silly thing. 

 I have no idea what time that was or if it would have made any difference.  I might have seen that Bradford called, but I know I wouldn’t have returned it until I was leaving unless he texted me saying to call him.  It was a longer meeting than normal that night because we were trying to decide who would be the recipients of our scholarships.  The 3 of us left around 9:00.  I looked at my phone and saw that my brother-in-law, Tyler, sent a text at 7:15 to see if it was a good time for us to FaceTime with him, Allison, and sweet baby James.  I was just writing him back when I received a phone call.  It was Krystal, my friend and school’s secretary.  We rarely text and never call especially at that time of night.  She asked me if I was at home {remember, my car was at home since we carpooled}.  I said no but that I would be home in literally 30 seconds.  We were just up the street.  She said that someone had been trying to call me.  He would be calling me and I needed to answer the phone.  I was like ooookkkk?!  Is everything alright?!  She said just answer your phone.  I told the girls that I just got the strangest phone call from Krystal.  Right about that time we took the fork to the right and got on my street.  You know those moments of clarity I talked about?

 *Yellow lights reflecting off my white house

 *Police car turning around to come back in front of the house

 I felt my mouth get dry and my stomach sink.  In all honesty, I had NO idea what was happening.  The worst didn’t even cross my mind.  I told the girls to stay in the car and I would see what was up. 

 *A big, black man whom I’d never seen before came down the hill and asked me who I was. 

 I don’t remember the exact conversation about him asking me if I was Bradford Higgins’ wife.  It seemed like we were stuck in that moment for 5 minutes.  The next thing I knew, Stacie and Sylvia hopped out of the car and came by my side.  The cop asked who they were.  He was so hesitant to tell me whatever it was he needed to say.  {I was still clueless at this point.}

 *“I’m so sorry to tell you this, but your husband, Bradford Higgins, was killed in a car accident in Trenton this evening.”

 This is where clarity and fog begin intermingling quite intensely.

 “Are you sure it was him?”

 “Didn’t he work for Youth Villages?  Wasn’t he in session in Dyer today?”

 *Falling to my knees by the seemingly betraying buttercups in my yard

 I don’t really like reliving this moment, but I can remember looking up to him and saying, “Bradford JAMES Higgins?!” “Yes ma’am.”

 The time frame here is really skewed in my mind.  I remember Krystal coming over just moments after that.  I remember the policeman asking if there was anything he could do.  We had him to take Sylvia home {It didn’t occur to me that her husband would be FREAKING OUT about a policeman dropping off his wife who was 8 months pregnant!}.  Stacie’s sister Glenda came to take us to Humboldt where the ambulance had taken him.

 I went inside and got Ollie, our 1 year old miniature dachshund, to take him outside to potty.  I couldn’t even stand.  There really aren’t any words to describe how surreal this moment in time really was.  I noticed that Bradford called at 7:02 and left a voicemail.  I couldn’t bring myself to listen to it yet.  What if he was leaving me a voicemail when it happened?  IF this is even real…

 Glenda drove Stacie’s car to Humboldt.  I couldn’t really speak.  My legs were shaking uncontrollably.  Breath was hardly even reaching my lungs.

 *That long, dark road to Humboldt

 The whole way I was thinking that maybe there has been a mistake.  Maybe there was just some kind of misunderstanding and he would call me soon.  He would show up and say I was on some hidden camera show.  {What a sick joke…}

 THIS.JUST.COULDN’T.BE.REAL.

 Then another gut-wrenching thought crossed my mind—if this IS real, how in the world am I going to tell his parents?  Sisters?  My family?  How does someone even prepare for this?  I don’t know if I can do this.  I CAN’T do this!

 *Praying down that long, dark road to Humboldt

 We made a wrong turn and I could seriously feel my heart beating out of my chest wanting to scream GET ME TO MY HUSBAND!  When we arrived at the ER, I had Glenda to get out and find out where I needed to go.  I just could not go and stand in the lobby and explain who I was. 

 *Stacie turning around in the front seat, grabbing my hand, and praying with me.  What peace in that unsettling moment

 This is another pretty difficult part to relive.  Glenda got us to come in and a nurse showed us the way to the room we needed to go to.  Inside the room were the Lt. and coroner.  They introduced themselves and we sat down in this dirty room.  Long story short he explained that Bradford crossed the yellow line and hit an F250 head-on.  The conversation continued and I remember asking if he suffered.

 *He assured me that he died on impact.

 (Sidenote: Typing this out is so surreal.  I can’t believe this is 

real life.  Even 11 weeks later.)

 *The Lt. flipping a driver’s license between his fingers

 When the officer in Brownsville told us we would be going to Humboldt to meet with the Lt. I only assumed that I was going to identify him {Again, so weird to say}.  They asked me if I wanted to go see his body.

 *Glenda standing in front of me with her hands on my shoulders.  Telling me that she knows I want to see him, and I will see him, but tonight just might not need to be that night.

 There are just not enough words to say thank you for the wisdom of that precious woman there with me that night.  I am so grateful that I made the choice not to see him.  I know without a doubt I would have if she had not said that to me.  I can’t imagine the images that would haunt me.  It was important to me to be able to at least see his driver’s license, to have some kind of proof that it was him. 

 *Seeing his sweet face on his driver’s license

 The officer asked if I wanted to take his things with me.  I don’t think I really understood what he meant and was pretty hysterical in saying that I didn’t.  There was not much more left to say.  They asked if I wanted them to call our families.  I could not imagine how I would do that myself, but I really couldn’t imagine them receiving an impersonal call from a stranger giving them the worst news they could ever receive.

 They showed me to the “chapel.”  Stacie and Glenda gave me a moment to make my calls…except my phone wouldn’t work in this tiny closet of a room.  I went outside to the car make the calls.  I don’t know how long I sat there looking at the phone before I had the courage to click on Dennis’ name.  Their lives were about to be changed.  Forever.  They only had a few more moments before their worlds would be turned upside down.  I can’t imagine facing a more difficult moment in my life.  Ever.

 *”I don’t know how to say this”

 *”WHAT?!?!?!?!?!”

 After talking with him I tried calling my mom.  Again.  Again.  I tried calling my dad’s phone, knowing that he usually keeps his phone in his hat in the kitchen or charging in the living room.  No answer.  WHY DON’T PEOPLE HAVE LANDLINES ANYMORE?!  Oh, right.  Because NOBODY has landlines anymore.  My brother, Bradley, moved back home a few months before, so I tried calling him.  No answer.  I don’t remember if I called one or two more times.  He answered and I asked if he was at home.  He was so I had him to have Momma call me back.

 *”OH NO!!!!!!!!!!”

 *Imagining her fall to her knees

 Glenda drove us back and I received a couple of phone calls.  I got one of the most helpful blessings in one of those calls.  After about 5 minutes of silent crying on the phone, my dad gave me a little bit of advice.  He said the following:

 *“There are a lot of people who are going to say a lot of things to you in the days to come.  They mean well, but some of these things are going to be hurtful.  You need to know and remember that they don’t mean to hurt you.  It is coming from a good place; they just don’t know what to say.”

 Wow.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to remind myself of that.  How many feelings I didn’t allow to be hurt because I knew this truth…

 When we got back to my house, Stacie stayed for a few minutes.  We decided I would stay at her house and bring Ollie with me.  I needed a shower and she needed to take Duke {her boxer} to her mom’s.  It seemed like I’d be okay to be alone for that short amount of time.  To have my first moments completely alone.

 A few minutes later I got a phone call from Jody {a funeral director from Lea & Simmons, a former student’s dad, and a colleague’s husband}.  He spent some time offering condolences and kind words.  I had no idea how thankful I would be that it would be him that I’d be working with.  The next moment was super weird and surreal.

 *He asked for my permission to embalm him. 

 I said yes.  Wait? Do I have another option? {realizing what the other option was} Oh.  Yes.  I couldn’t help but think SURELY HE WILL BE POSITIVE THAT HE IS GONE BEFORE HE DOES THAT!

 Before I got my shower I decided to listen to his voicemail.

 *”Hey, Sweetie!  I’m sorry it’s taken me so long, but I’m just now leaving Dyer so I should be home around 8ish. Umm just calling to let you know that I was on my way.  I love you and hope that you’ve had a great day.  I’ll see you when I get there.”

 I am obviously sobbing at this point.  All I can imagine is him being in Paradise…and ME seeing HIM when I get there!  What an amazing visualization.  What an amazing REALITY.  Lord, come quickly!

             For as long as I’ve known him every personal email Bradford sent had the following verses listed:

            Philippians 1:21- For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain.

Philippians 3:20- For our citizenship is in heaven, from which we also eagerly wait for the Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ.

My, oh MY, what he gained in that citizenship that night.

“Nothing could take away this “beautiful” ache.”

“But if I could go back I wouldn’t change a thing.  I’d love you all over again.”

I have so many amazing things to tell about in the following moments, hours, and days to come.  Those things will get their due time to be heard.  For now I’m going to indulge in the pity of the worst day of my life. :(