The DOs and DO NOTs

In my own grief journeys and in the lives of the mourners I have been privileged to counsel, I have discovered that in general, you can take all the people in your life and divide them into thirds when it comes to grief support.  One-third of the people in your life will turn out to be truly empathetic helpers.  They will have a desire to understand you and your unique thoughts and feelings about your loss.  They will demonstrate a willingness to be taught by you and a recognition that you are the expert of your experience, not them.  They will be willing to be involved in your pain and suffering without feeling the need to take it away from you.  Another third of people in your life will turn out to be neutral in response to your grief.  They will neither help nor hinder you in your journey.  And the final third of people in your life will turn out to be harmful to you in your efforts to mourn.  While they are usually not setting out intentionally to harm you, they will judge you and they will try to take your grief away from you.  Seek out your friends and family members who fall into the first group.  They will be your confidants and momentum-givers on your journey.  When you are actively mourning, try to avoid the last group, for they will trip you up and cause you to fall.

 -Dr. Alan Wolfelt

When I think back to the first moments, days, and weeks following my husband’s death, I am amazed by the bravery and courage people had.  I’ll be honest…I’ve never really been good at handling death, and I really haven’t had a lot of experience with it, not with anyone REALLY close.  I remember the last funeral Bradford and I attended together.  When I got up to offer condolences all that came out of my mouth was, “Uhh…” and I think whispered sorry and gave a hug.  I freaked out in moments like those.  As I answered calls from people I hadn’t heard from in YEARS I can remember thinking how brave they were to pick up the phone and call to express their sympathy.  I was overwhelmed with kind words and precious, prayerful thoughts, some I can’t remember and some I’ll never forget.

If you’ve followed my story you know about the words my Daddy told me in my first conversation with him on my way home from the hospital that night.  He said  

There are a lot of people who are going to say a lot of things to you in the days to come.  They mean well, but some of these things are going to be hurtful.  You need to know and remember they don't mean to hurt you.  It is coming from a good place; they just don't know what to say.  

It is unbelievable how helpful that advice has been to me, even still.  I recently had a pretty tough night and told him that people don’t mean to be hurtful, but sometimes they just are, and it’s getting to me.  I kind of want to scream at some folks!  His words were:

Jesus overturned tables and drove folks out of the temple with a whip that He made for that purpose.  He did it without sinning.  You may need to scream at times.  Maybe you could share with them that they’re being insensitive and help them see from your perspective.  Most people haven’t matured to know how to handle a young widow.  There’s not a lot of them around and there’s not a lot of training for it. 

This post is one that I’ve started to write many times, but I just couldn’t.  I’m an over-analyzer and I didn’t want people to do things because I “told them to.”  I can remember one time Bradford and I having a conversation about doing romantic things for one another and he asked me what he could do that would be romantic.  I wanted HIM to determine what that was because I would think that he was doing whatever it was just because I told him to, not because it was something that he truly wanted to do.  I don’t know if that makes any sense to anyone else, but it made total sense to me.  {And don’t worry, my flare-ups of immaturity have become ABUNDANTLY CLEAR to me in the past year!}  On April 9, my sweet college friend Kimberly Rowe Washer wrote a post about what to do and not to do for a young widow.  You can read it here.  It was so touching that she would take the time to gather information that would be helpful for not only herself but for others.  You’re wise beyond your years, Kimbo!

Now that I’m in a place where there aren’t quite as many sorrowful looks or awkward conversations I want to share with you some things that have been helpful and hurtful for me.  I don’t write these things as an expert on grief, but I’m using my own experience to hopefully shed some light on the subject and maybe help someone else.  Everyone grieves differently, but I think most of these things are true for a lot of young widows.

DOs:

1.       Listen-  We need listening ears.  We need for you to hear out our thoughts, concerns, and memories.  Sometimes we just need you to hear our silence. 

2.       Encourage us to do things with you- We may not always be up for it, but it's nice to be included as a normal person.  If we don't want to go, please ask again.  And again and again! Don't worry about us feeling like the 3rd or 5th wheel; let us deal with that. 

3.       Pray for us, don’t just tell us you are-  People did a lot of kind things for me, but nothing struck me quite like a conversation I had with someone I just met while in Kansas for Bradford’s memorial celebration.  This sweet lady, who I later found out had her own set of hardships she dealt with earlier in the year, wanted me to know that she had prayed for me every day.  It wasn’t a flippant Oh, I’m praying for you, but she expressed it with an unexplainable concern and love.  She then asked me What can I specifically pray for you?  Whoa!  This woman was truly bringing my burdens before the Lord, cared for me, and had faith that He can help me with my specific needs.  That was a moment that will affect the rest of my life.  I want to be more intentional in my prayers for others and seek their needs. 

4.       Allow us to feel whatever we feel- Some days are going to be blah.  Let us indulge in the blah-ness of it and don’t feel like you need to encourage us every time we are sad.  Sometimes we just need to wallow in it.  Some days are going to be happy!  Chances are, the first few moments we have that are happy are going to be filled with guilt.  Let us be happy! Join us! 

5.       Do what you can to help us feel taken care of-  Our spouses did so many things to take care of us.  After we lose them, we are in such a state of shock, physically and emotionally exhausted, and probably can't think of much more than whether or not we are breathing.  {Barely that, at times} Help us with what you can at work, in our homes, or with food.  To say my Haywood Elementary family was good to me is the understatement of the year.  I don’t really know what my kids did for those few weeks, but I was assured time and time again that I didn’t need to worry about them because they were taken care of.  My colleagues and administrators saw to it and were able to convince me not to spend a second trying to come up with any lessons or activities for them.  And I didn’t.  I can’t imagine what I would have done without them.  

          I’ll be honest; our yard was mowed more in the first 2 weeks without him than it was in the entire previous summer!  I was overwhelmed with food and paper products.  Although I really could not eat anything, it was good to know that everyone visiting me was taken care of.  Love is expressed in a million ways, but there's something special about a "doer."

6.       Tell us stories about the person we lost- Whether they are heart-warming or funny we love to know that our spouse is remembered.  I have enjoyed hearing things about Bradford that I never knew before.  One person sent me a hilarious message about the first time he met Bradford.  This guy was walking across campus and Bradford stopped him and put his hands around this guy’s neck.  Bradford said he was sorry, but he needed to know how big his neck was.  This guy wanted a necklace like Bradford’s, someone mentioned it Bradford, and he saw that it was done!

7.       Remind us of their quirks or funny sayings- Okay, so maybe the rest of the world didn’t have a guy as funny as I did, but this is helpful for me.  Our families are the most helpful at this.   I love getting texts from my brothers telling me they just ordered a Badga {Baja} Blast or just rk jumped.  It makes me smile when his sisters or dad respond to a text with Groovy or I know that’s right.  My friend Sara has been the best at sending me random memories of him/us.  I love smiling and laughing at the silly things he did. #freehugs 

8.       Know how special it is anytime you do something to honor them-  I almost don’t even want to mention any specifics because there really have been innumerable things done to honor my sweet Bradford.  Money has been given to different funds, Bibles have been purchased in his memory, and a lot of money has been donated to his scholarship.  I am in the 15^th Review Club and they SO graciously donated money to his scholarship and displayed his pictures at our race.  Every little thing means the WORLD to me! 

9.       Validate our feelings and actions- I’ve asked if I’m crazy more than a million times in the past 7 ½ months.  Sometimes we need to be reminded that it’s okay to feel whatever it is that we’re feeling, whether it is sadness, anger, fear, whatever!  That has become one of the most valuable aspects of my closest friendships and a major part of why I have enjoyed counseling.   Remind us that we are NORMAL!

I can honestly say that because of my talk with Daddy that I was really able to keep from getting angry with some of the stupid things people said or did.  Please know that if YOU did any of these things, we’re good!  If we’re not, I might have let you know ;)  I am not writing these to call anyone out or make anyone feel badly, but to offer these as advice for future encounters you have with someone who is grieving.

DO NOT: 

1.       Do not tell us you know how we feel- Many people say this without realizing what they’re doing.  While most people have experienced loss of some sort, no one is US and experiencing OUR LOSS.  It may be okay to say that although you can’t imagine our loss, you can relate in a small way.  We are probably not up for offering YOU sympathy, especially in the first weeks. 

2.       Do not ask us How are you? {Especially if you’re going to follow it up with JUST alright?!}- This one is actually kind of tricky.  It is such a common phrase in the U.S. and acceptable to say this without even meaning to.  Most people don’t really want to get into a long conversation about how we are, however, there is a time and place for this one.  Sometimes I’ve just needed someone to take me by the arm and ask how I’m doing, knowing that they sincerely want to know.  Sometimes we don’t want to talk, and we may just not want to talk to YOU.  It’s okay!  Don’t force us or feel slighted. 

3.       Do not push what you think will work for us- This is a really hard one, especially for people who have experience with grief.  This is a really hard one for me personally, because I know what has been helpful for me, yet I can’t force it on anyone else.  We all heal in our own ways in our own time. 

4.       Do not neglect to bring them up for fear of upsetting us-  The truth is that we are ALREADY THINKING ABOUT THEM and we could NOT BE ANY MORE UPSET THAN WE ALREADY ARE! 

5.       Do not make us feel guilty or judged- This is another tough one, although I haven’t felt much of this from anyone but myself.  I have heard stories about others who have experienced this and just hope to not face much of this in the future. 

6.       Do not say you’ll find another one- Even worse, don’t say You’ll find another one JUST LIKE HIM!  This is a true story!  It happened the weekend after I buried my husband.  I honestly do not even remember who said it.  I can remember exactly where I was and where we were standing, but I cannot remember who said it to me.  There are so many things wrong with that statement, but none that need expounding. #rememberwhatdaddysaid #rememberwhatdaddysaid #peopleDOsaystupidthings 

7.       Do not give us a timeline-It has been helpful to hear about typical timelines in the grief/healing process from professionals and other widows/widowers.  Without them even realizing it, some people have really hurt me by talking about the actions of others who have lost their spouses in relation to a timeline.  You don't know unless you've walked a mile in these shoes; even then, our blisters would be different...

8.       Last but not least, do NOT tell us that our spouse wouldn’t want us to remain celibate the rest of our lives-  #especiallyifyourea100yearoldman Does this really even have to be listed?!

Grief is such a complicated thing and most people just don’t know how to handle it.  I was one and will probably STILL say dumb things to people in the future.  If you are someone who is dealing with a loss, please remember that most people really would not say anything to intentionally hurt you.  Forgive them.  I think it is vital to shift your thinking to the positive things people have said and done and not to get too caught up in the bad stuff.  The writer of Philipians was really onto something when he said Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. (‭Philippians‬ ‭4‬:‭8)

I will close with a pretty powerful realization I made back in May and posted about:

 I've read Isaiah 53 hundreds of times over the past several years. I read through it before taking the Lord's Supper each week, yet this morning I read it in a way I never have before. Our Savior was TRULY acquainted with grief...a kind of grief I can only imagine. I had my dad read those verses and with tears in his eyes he told me that He understands. I told Daddy that this shows me just how much I don't understand. What amazing love...

We can try to help people understand our grief and help us through it, but nobody can do that like Jesus can.

grow

These past couple of weeks have honestly been the best I've had since the spring. {apart from a wonderful girls' trip with my sweet Momma!}. Mentally, I've been in a place I wouldn't have expected to be for quite some time. I don't know how to really explain it other than I've somehow crossed over from KNOWING God is going to take care of me to actually BELIEVING it and beginning to feel a type of healing that only He can provide.

I was at the hospital last Wednesday when one of my sweetest and truest friends in the entire world gave birth to her sweet baby girl. Taylor Maurer is a MOMMY!!!

It's obvious that this child is going to grow up to be a comedian, or at the very least, the class clown. Maybe she'll just be that quiet girl with the ever-so-clever, dry remarks. :) I hope she's just like her momma in a thousand ways. I hope that she creates a life full of laughter; one that is able to shrug a lot of negativity off to the side and find a way to enjoy life's simplest moments. I hope she finds people to have deep meaningful conversations with while walking around dark parking lots, takes road trips while belting Celine, and has friends that are close enough to be totally cool with greeting them with her leg wrapped around them. If Millie is anything like her mom, she will be honest, considerate, confident, and able to admit when she is wrong. She will compliment and build others up and have impeccable taste in fashion and home decor.

I want you to know something, Millie.  Life is wonderful! It really is! You are going to continue experiencing the love that one can only know in a Christian home. Not all kids are as lucky as you. You're going to have a lot of fun times with your family. Enjoy every second! They've prayed so many prayers for you and your safe arrival. They are going to do their best to raise you the way God intends for them to. {You'll only do what they let you get away with, right Tay?!} ;)

Unfortunately, there are some heartbreaking aspects of this life. You will experience hurt, pain, betrayal, and if you live long enough, loss. My prayer is that you will begin building your faith from a very early age and have confidence that The Lord is with you every step of the way.

Ahh, the circle of life. I would've never imagined that Bradford would never lay eyes on the little peanut I so excitedly told him about. The one I learned about while mindlessly shopping in TJ Maxx, suddenly bursting into tears and holding my blonde babe of a pal! Although I am still experiencing some pretty painful moments, I am thankful for the way in which I can see God answering prayers. I'm thankful for the insight I've gained and the ability I've received in being able to better understand the big picture. Don't misunderstand...acceptance does not = easy days from here on out.  It doesn't mean I'm okay with it or prefer it, either. I'm attempting to do what I have my students echo daily: "Try your best to be your best." My best may look different tomorrow or next month, but know that it's my best effort.

So Millie, my wish to you is that each and every day you will try your best to be your best! :) Aunt Britt loves you SO much!

The "W" Word

And He looked up and saw the rich putting their gifts into the treasury, and He saw also a certain poor widow putting in two mites. So He said, “Truly I say to you that this poor widow has put in more than all; for all these out of their abundance have put in offerings for God, but she out of her poverty put in all the livelihood that she had.” Luke‬ ‭21‬:‭1-4‬

     What do you think of when you hear the word widow? As a kid I can remember envisioning an old decrepit woman putting a penny in a jar based on this passage mixed with the present day money jars used to collect coins for the local children's home. My view of widows MAY have grown to include wrinkled up grannies in nursing homes since then.  :P Never in a lifetime did I picture or dare to imagine that I would become a widow at age 28. IF that kind of thing happened to people, it was always others. I  envisioned the ideal ending our lives in "The Notebook" style, holding hands in bed, leaving this world together.
     I came to a pretty profound conclusion several weeks ago. It doesn't matter how long I wear these rings, I'm not married.  The only person I'm fooling is myself (and crazy folks who ask my friends if I'm remarried.  Seriously?!). Bradford will always be the husband of Brittany Higgins, but I'm no longer his wife. I really am a widow. I dove head first in a tail spin when I realized this. It's a harsh reality and so unfair that I don't have him anymore. I look at pictures all the time and think, "Wow. I can't believe this really was my life and that he was MINE!" Sometimes I wonder if I really was just fortunate to live a real life fairy tale for just a small moment in time. (That's not to say our entire relationship was a fairy tale, because we certainly faced our hardships.)
     This past week I began GriefShare to help me as I continue on through this journey. A lady on the DVD talked about how she woke up one morning full of joy despite her loss. I thought about these past 7 months and remembered many, many terribly painful ways I woke up and faced the day, and I remembered other days where I wasn't exactly clicking my heels in the air, but I had some semblance of happiness. I had never awoken in a way like she explained.

     I've read this verse countless times. I can recall sobbing and asking God when is morning ever going to get here? This whole life being but a vapor thing?? When is it going to be over so I can be with You?!
     Then today happened. I woke up with a renewed hope this morning. It has honestly been easy for me to see and count my blessings throughout these past several months and I've sincerely not tried to take them for granted. I heard a song on my way to church this morning. It is one in which I can remember coming completely unglued while listening to it last fall and imagining how life WOULD get better for my sweet friend IN TIME. It is one I can also remember hearing in recent months and pulling over to sob, thinking about my own life and how THIS is not what I planned or wanted. I heard something new in it today. "Every day's a gift that l've been given. Every breath feels like a second chance." Although I've found myself drowning in a sea of depression, I've held on to the truth that I know God will take care of me, whether it is now, years from now, or in the life that's to come.

     Although I am the definition of a widow, I am not going to be defined by it. I don't want this title to be a crutch or an excuse. I am going to take this gift of life that I have, honor my past, and continue dedicating my future to Him.
     I may wake up feeling differently tomorrow, but I am just trying to take life from moment to moment, and today, my moments are filled with clarity and what feels kind of like joy. :)

He Knows

          So I’ll be the first to admit it, this is a little bit weird.  Maybe morbid is the word.  I like to think of it as interesting.  Being in a small town where everybody knows everybody else, you see each other at a lot of events, a few of those being held at Lea & Simmons, a local funeral home.  I’ve been there to offer condolences to family members of those I went to church with, spent time with family and friends during such a tragic time as we prepared to lay my sweet Bradford to rest, and most recently to meet with my sisters in Alpha Delta Kappa for our meeting.  My bunco group has even met there for our monthly games!  When someone rolls a big bunco, you get to wear something special, whether it be Mardi Gras beads, a feathery hat, a sombrero, or, you guessed it, embalming garb!  I have to admit I was a LITTLE freaked out the first time we played there.  Last November we played there again, only that time it wasn’t as freaky for me.  A few of us even chose to represent by wearing Lea & Simmons t-shirts Jeanna gave us!

I can remember wearing that shirt the last weekend my mother in law came to visit us in March and her pointing out how strange it was that I not only HAD a funeral home shirt, but that I was WEARING it! 

          This was the last bunco before I was to run the St. Jude Marathon last December.  I joked with the girls several times about how they would be seeing me back there in a month because there was no way I was going to survive the race.  It was especially validated in my mind once I went to the restroom, only to find that MARATHON was the brand of paper towels used there!  I just knew I was a goner!
          Natalie and I were WAY too interested in the whole process of everything that happens behind the scenes.  After most everyone left, we were given a personal tour of the property.  I’m not going to go into a lot of detail about what all we looked at and talked about during those hours after bunco, but trust me when I say it was thorough.  There obviously weren’t any “customers” back there, but we were given the run down on how things happen in the embalming room and even shown a few tricks of the trade.  I know…it’s so weird!  As strange as it seems to even be saying this, it was really interesting.  We were told about the differences in services and what is available.  Did you know you could have your pet cremated there?!  #yallbetterhopeOllielivesforever  Natalie and I determined we could work for them as dancers {choreographers, if you will ;)} if releasing doves just wasn’t cutting it for them. 
          After a couple of pretty intense hours of drilling Mrs. Lea about the ins and outs of the business, we were able to get into the hearse.  Again, just weird.  I was glad to know one of my bestest EVER gal pals was just as strangely interested in it all as I was.

          It was a memorable evening for a lot of reasons.  There was no way I could have known exactly what I was preparing myself for that night.  Every question I asked that night answered one that I know I would have had 5 months later.  Every vision I had of where my husband was spending the night away from me on April 8, as sickening and painful as it was to not have him with me, was secured in my mind as a safe place, cared for by friends.  It amazes me how God can use a silly girls’ night to provide much needed comfort and peace in the coming months.  Although it is such an incredibly gut-wrenching feeling imagining him being gone, it was oddly relieving to know the process.  To not have to envision scenes from scary movies.  To not have to dream up some sci-fi illusion of what may or may not be happening with him.

          This type of experience is not for everyone, and that’s okay.  For me, it was an answer to a prayer I never prayed.  Although having Bradford with me for the rest of my life is what I want and believe that I need, it's comforting to know that God will continue to care for me in the future, knowing what I need before I even ask him (Matthew 6:8).

"My Jesus knows just what I need.  He satisfies and every need supplies.  Yes, He knows just what I need."

...and thank you, Natalie, for being someone I can count on for anything.  Whether it's sizing up the boxes outside the embalming room, spewing Diet Coke out of our noses, taking selfies, or crying on the couch, you're an amazing friend who provides so much comfort, support, and encouragement.  I love you and am forever grateful for your friendship!

Be Safe!

 It’s always the same story, just a different day.  We know the routine all too well.  I usually have a time in mind I’d like to leave, knowing I will be at least an hour later before I pull away.  I pack my bags, only to hang out a little longer before loading them.  Once I’ve loaded them, I decide I’m just going to talk for a just a few more minutes before hitting the road.  We give our hugs, say our I love yous and follow it up with another round of hugs.  My mom is usually teary so I give her a good old fashioned CUT. IT. OUT. {complete with scissor hand movements!} before hopping into the car.  My mother-in-law did the same thing with her son, leaving Dennis and I standing by, awkwardly discussing the weather or traffic because she was usually pretty teary as well.

BE SAFE!

I can remember Bradford and I saying this to one another on a regular basis.  I can’t recall which one of us said it first, but we would sometimes be funny little smarty pants by saying Oh, ok!  Since you said so!  Whew, I wouldn’t have been if you hadn’t reminded me!

 I regularly worried about all the driving Bradford did with his job.  Every time I got a text message alert saying there was an accident, bad weather, or a shooting I checked to see where in west TN he was.  Oddly enough, I was hyper-sensitive to it in the weeks prior to his accident {but really!}.  We always, always told each other to be safe and that we loved each other.

 Why is it that we say this to people?  It quickly and regularly flies out of our mouths without even realizing it.  Truly.  Just pay attention.  I’ve become especially aware of it since April through all the traveling I’ve done and the comings and goings of friends and family.  Even riding to town or church seems to warrant a BE CAREFUL!

 What if we said what we really meant?  What if, instead of asking those we loved to travel safely, we told them what’s on our hearts? 

 I want you to get there alright.

I love you so much.

I need to see you again.

Your presence in my life is priceless.

YOU ARE SO IMPORTANT TO ME!

 

  As terrible as losing my husband has been and continues to be, I can’t help but see God’s helpful hand in it.  I was blessed with something not many people have before losing a loved one in an accident.  Bradford and I had one of the best, most loving conversations we ever had just the afternoon prior to his life on earth ending.  It’s kind of insane to think about the different facets of our relationship we discussed and how great of a place we were in.  If he had left this world on a day we had a fuss before I left for work, would I still know how much he loved me?  Absolutely.  Is it so much more satisfying to relive the conversation of the night prior?  Words can’t even express it…

 Are there people in your life you want to let know how important and special they are to you?  Who are you thinking of now…yes, that person?  What if you never got another opportunity to speak to them again?  Would you be filled with regret?  Would you wonder if they left knowing how truly special they were to you?  It’s not everyone’s personality to be a big sap, but it is important to show others their value to you.  I heard this song on Ernie Halter’s album High Fidelity and didn’t realize it was a James Taylor original:

 Shower the People

{#theoriginalmakeitrain}

…If it feels nice, don't think twice,
just shower the people you love with love, show them the way that you feel.
Things are gonna work out fine if you only will do as I say, just
shower the people you love with love, show them the way you feel.
Things are gonna be much better if you only will.

You can run but you cannot hide, this is widely known.
Tell me what you plan to do with your foolish pride when you're all by yourself, alone.
Once you tell somebody the way that you feel, you can feel it beginning to ease.
I think it's true what they say about the squeaky wheel always getting the grease.
Better to shower the people you love with love, show them the way that you feel.
Things are gonna be just fine if you only will what I'd like to do to you.
Shower the people you love with love, show them the way that you feel.
Things are gonna be much better if you only will.

            Words can go a long way in demonstrating one’s care for another, but actions speak louder than words.  I’ve discovered that THINGS can satisfy any first-world narcissist for a moment, but quality time with those we love is irreplaceable.  It can’t be put on layaway, price matched, or returned for anything of higher value.  Are you making time to SHOW those you love what their worth is to you?

 What about God?  Have you said AND done everything you need to in order to be in a right relationship with Him?  If not, why not?  If there is ANYONE we need to make sure we’re good with, it’s Him.  Mark 13:32-33 serves as an excellent reminder that we can’t be sure of when that time will be!  Those of us who have suffered a loss understand that all too well.

 

I’ve recently run across 1 John 3:18, stating, “My little children, let us not love in word or in tongue, but in DEED and in TRUTH.”  What do you understand this to mean?  And what implications does it have for your spiritual walk?

 I hope that you are encouraged to embrace what you know to be true and have the confidence and strength to grasp it tightly.

Sometimes the 4am Tears Just Get to Me...

It doesn't matter how much I want to have a positive attitude. It doesn't matter how desperately I long to personify God's handiwork. It doesn't matter how many events I attend or work days I show up with a seemingly joyful smile...

This stinks. Grief has been an unexpected ride, full of highs {ehh, that's relative} and many, many lows. No matter what I do, Bradford is on my mind. I've missed him every second, but there were a few things I did this week that just REALLY didn't feel right without him. I couldn't help but imagine what he would say or do if he was with me.

I KNOW that God is the only one who can fulfill my deepest desires. I've got that. It doesn't change the fact that I'm so sad without my husband and tired of being the girl going through my daily life trying to make sense of it all without him by my side. I'm tired of having to think so much about making plans instead of just automatically having them with him. I'm tired of trying to remember things on my own. I'm tired of forgetting things. I'm tired of soaking his pillow with tears. I'm tired of feeling guilty if I've gone days without crying. I'm just flat out TIRED!

I've felt very out of character these past 5 months. It's not like me to be stuck in such a dark place. A few weeks after losing him, a dear friend told me that even though I'm going through the motions of everyday life, she can tell I seem uncomfortable in my own skin. I would like to think that isn't true, but reality is that half of me is gone. It makes me think about weight loss shows. Sometimes participants lose so much that they are able to have their excess skin cut off. I think I'm just clinging to mine right now, as ugly as it may be.

Please pray for me. I don't even know what to specifically ask for anymore, but trust that God will know what to do. I will be ok! I just need to wallow in my own self-pity every once in a while.

My God is My Provider

In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ, whom having not seen you love. Though now you do not see Him, yet believing, you rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, receiving the end of your faith—the salvation of your souls. I Peter 1:6-9

In the moment, it's sometimes difficult to know how God is working in our lives. We will never fully understand the ways he provides for us, playing a role in seemingly every day, ordinary situations, ultimately preparing us for great things. Looking back over my life I can see the "big" ones. If we hadn't moved to MS I would've never gone to Kensington Woods. If I hadn't gone to Kensington Woods, I wouldn't have been a part of our youth campaigns with Roebuck. If I hadn't done that, I wouldn't have gone to Freed-Hardeman. If I hadn't gone there, I wouldn't have ever met and married Bradford {although he always told me that he believed God would've found SOME way to bring us together}. If I hadn't gone to FHU, I wouldn't have made the awesome friendships I did, helping to shape who I am, and ultimately landing me in Brownsville. And if I'd never come to Brownsville...

Last fall, my best friend went through a difficult loss. The long and short of it is that her husband decided that he no longer wanted to be married to her. {He didn't get the memo that you can't have a wife AND a girlfriend. OOOPS!} They were the ideal couple. They made each other laugh, seemingly respected one another, and even still talked in that ooshy gooshy voice on the phone. She happily cared for him in ways many other women don't care for their husbands. She spoke of him in ways many other women don't speak of their husbands. Even at his worst, he was her best. When she told me, I was in shock. It was unbelievable. It seemed he was just having some sort of temporary insanity. She really seemed like the best wife! And he, a great husband! There were so many ways I wanted to be like her in my own marriage.

Watching someone you love face difficult times when you can't do anything to fix it is one of the most helpless and heartbreaking feelings. {This is something those nearest and dearest to me have expressed time and time again since losing Bradford.} The months leading up to her divorce were devastating and overwhelming...and it wasn't even MY marriage!

"Coincidentally," our Wednesday night Bible study was on suffering. We looked to the scriptures to determine the benefits and dangers of suffering and God's part in it all. We discussed all sorts of ways people suffer, directly or indirectly. Why do children die? Why do members of our family suffer from cancer or other diseases? Why are there natural disasters? WHY IS THERE SO MUCH SUFFERING?! AND WHERE IS GOD WHILE IT'S HAPPENING?? I sat through week after week in this study, tears constantly streaming down my face. {I know people assumed iiiiiii was going through something. She hadn't made this public yet and I certainly wasn't going to share it}. Everything said could somehow relate to the heartache she was facing.

I shared my notes with her each week.  I’ve asked sweet Stacie to share her experience with us and express how she was able to see God working and helping her through it:

I remember kneeling before God and pleading with him to save my marriage. I had made promises to him and my husband that I planned on keeping until death do us part. My husband had not taken those promises so seriously.

In the children's book, Because of Winn Dixie, there is a sentence that I connected with. The sentence says, You can only love something as long as it will let you. I clearly remember reading this passage to a room full of 2nd graders. My eyes began to fill with tears as I realized just how true this statement was for myself and the man that I loved. My husband walked out the door. He never looked back. He left his home, our dog, and the life that we had built together.
Sad does not even begin to describe how I felt. It was a struggle every day to put one foot in front of the other. Smiling and greeting people seemed impossible. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I was in a very dark place.

My sister was out of town the weekend I discovered the affair. I called Brittany and told her to come over and quick. I told her everything and she was in as much shock as I was. You see, I had a happy marriage. My husband was very good to me, showered me with love, and always treated me with so much kindness. Many days I felt so bad for Brittany. I was absolutely miserable and I know I was terrible to be around. Not to mention the fact that everyone was asking her what was wrong with me and she had to keep my secret until I was ready to tell. 

This is where our friendship got deep. Her church was doing a study on suffering. She shared all the information with me. These papers truly SAVED me. They helped me to work through all the pain and rejection I was feeling. They gave me hope for the future.

Want to know the coolest thing about all those papers that Brittany shared with me on suffering? They are all in Bradford's handwriting. You see he knew all about the struggles I was facing. He wanted to help me too. I remember going to their house for dinner one night and Bradford and I had some time alone while Brittany finished cooking. He asked me about how I was doing and had some suggestions for me as I faced more difficult days ahead. I always told Brittany that one day Bradford would be a personal counselor. He had an ability to set you at ease and give Biblical insights to help lead your path. Brittany told me once that she heard Bradford praying aloud for me. My heart was touched.

This is the part where the way God was providing for me seemed to become clearer. I was finally beginning to feel like myself again, my divorce was final, and I was very content with life. Then on April 8th as I was taking Brittany home she received the MOST DEVASTATING news. That night I remember laying on the grass, holding Brittany, and thinking, how could this be happening? God? What do we do now?

God has prepared in us a friendship like family. I was able to take care of Brittany the way she had taken care of me. Then one day after things began to settle down a little, I looked at Brittany and said, THE PAPERS!  The papers that were in Bradford's handwriting! The papers that were all about suffering! I knew these papers and the messages within them were a part of God's providence. Bradford had prepared a gift for Brittany. I knew these papers would give her hope for the future on the dark days ahead.

Oh, and speaking of God's providence... Did I mention that the very week that Brittany received the news, the apartment connected to my home had just been completely renovated and was ready for a renter? Brittany is now mostly settled in that apartment. I can hear her sweet Ollie barking as I write this entry. She is close. We are here for each other. She is the definition of a friend.

One thing I know for sure is that God takes care of us. He took care of me. He is taking care of Brittany. Sometimes you just have to look at the sky and ask God for just one ray of sunshine. Don't you, Brittany? I hope that the future blogs she shares on suffering will help you as much as the have helped us.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

-Stacie Lefave

 

*I really don’t know how to best respond to that.  When she sent me this, it took me back to all of these dark times we’ve been through together.  We’ve truly seen each other at our worst.  I am so incredibly grateful for you, Stacie, and I could never fully express how much your friendship means to me.  I know God will give us many more rays of sunshine… :)  Oh, and you really weren't THAT terrible to be around :)

...

 It's crazy how sometimes I think I've figured God out. I am confident that God used me through that class to reach out and help my friend through the biggest challenge she's ever faced. It's even crazier how I can limit God. I mean, that seemed like such a big deal at the time...and it really was. I spent so much time digging through those scriptures with her and studying those concepts and truths with her.

What I learned:
-God doesn't MAKE those things happen, but He does allow them.
-Things could always be worse. I mean, look at poor ol’ Job.
-God WILL provide for His own, if only in the next life. We need only make it through this one as His faithful children.

-There are benefits we can receive through suffering.  {Wait, what?!}
-Did I mention things could always be worse?!

I felt like I was beginning to have a little clarity concerning this thing called life. Through her suffering I was able to cling to the good things I had. I can remember her telling me to hold my husband extra tight at night...and I truly did! Her trials helped me endure a rough patch I faced in my own marriage. I learned not to take him for granted and that individuals can only truly control themselves.

I can't imagine how differently my grief would have been or could have been had I not been so immersed in Scriptures and God's promises to His children.  I want to share everything that we discussed in class to maybe, just MAYBE, reach someone who is struggling with a hurt that seems unbearable.  For now I will just leave you with part of Bradford’s notes on the benefits of suffering…