Two are Better than One...Year After Year

July 10, 2014. The day I have been dreading all summer long. Future holidays with our families will be difficult, but this holiday was OURS! HE is the only one who could really celebrate it with me.  I don’t really have a lot to say that will be eloquent or meaningful to anyone but myself, but I want to take some time on the first wedding anniversary that I'll spend without him to celebrate this date in years past.

July 10, 2010 was a day greeted with MUCH anticipation and joy! We dreamed of it and certainly counted the days. What an amazing concept, this marriage thing. It takes two individuals and makes them into one, for better or worse. I'm grateful ours was for the better :)  It was a hot, humid day in south MS...but it was the perfect day. OUR perfect day. I'm grateful for every memory associated with it.

 He gave me this precious Willow Tree figurine {I collect those} and I gave him monogrammed cuff links.

Here are some of my favorite pictures from my favorite day:

{photos by amanda scott photography}

 For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh; so then they are no longer two, but one flesh.  Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.

Mark 10: 7-9

BEST.DAY.EVER.

July 10, 2011 was spent on an anniversary trip to Atlanta. We stopped and spent some time in Chattanooga on the way. We ate at Cheeburger Cheeburger, walked around town, and went to Ruby Falls.  We had a lot of fun in the ATL going to Six Flags and the water park.  Bradford had gotten some free tickets to the movies through some kind of promotion at work for selling the most shoes {or something like that}.  There wasn't a Regal theater near us so we used those while we were there.

One thing I learned about Bradford on this trip was that he laughed hysterically on roller coaster rides!  Me screaming + him laughing = the most fun!  What a fun trip :)

Our wedding cake was REALLY good!

Traditional gift for 1^st Anniversary: Paper 

We thought our tickets to everything we went to COULD’VE counted, but that was kind of boring, so we decided to have a caricature drawn of us.  We thought it kind of fit us :)

We went to dinner on July 10, 2012 and decided to wait and do our trip over Labor Day weekend that year.  We had a WONDERFUL dinner at Ruth’s Chris.  Funny story…we were kind of wowed that they cook your steak on your plate in the oven.  We even read the caution sign on the menu.  The waiter placed my plate before me…crooked.  Forgetting everything we just discussed, my OCD tendencies kicked in and I attempted to straighten it, cooking through 5 layers of skin and leaving a permanent scar.  Ok, so maybe it wasn’t THAT bad, but it hurt worse than I could let out at this fancy restaurant.  BTW, they had the best $20 side salad I’ve ever had.

Traditional gift for 2^nd Anniversary: Cotton

He knew how much I loved chevron and purses, so he got me a chevron purse!  Obviously, he had to get a Manchester United shirt :)

During the summer of 2013, I spent a month traveling around TN preparing and training teachers on the Common Core State Standards.  Our anniversary fell on my first week of presenting as a Core Coach and I was out of town in Savannah, TN (about 2 hours away).  We decided we would wait and celebrate the following weekend.  PSHHHH!  Once I got back to my room for the day I called him.  We decided we just couldn’t take it and HAD to see each other!  Guess what just happened to be {pretty close to} smack dab in the middle of us?  Good ol’ Henderson, TN...the place we first laid eyes on each other at FHU.  We met and had dinner at a Mexican restaurant there.  It was really unusual but kind of cool to have to make plans to see him for dinner like that, knowing we would part ways soon.  Absence does make the heart grow fonder.  {Truly.  I thought I understood this then.}

He got me that dress for my birthday.

 After dinner he told me he had another place he wanted to take me.  Since we did not date when we were at Freed we never went on a “Shell date,” so that’s exactly where we went! Baskin Robbins never tasted as good with any other dates, anyways.

 Traditional gift for 3rd Anniversary: Leather

Isn't this wallet so cute?!  I kind of broke tradition and got him a revolver for his "anniversary / sorry I've gotta be out of town so much this summer" gift.  I had good intentions of getting him a leather holster for it, but that seemed a little too Gunsmoke for me.

Something that is weird but we thought was kind of cool is that we always got a newspaper from whatever city we were in on our anniversary.  When cleaning up the office a few months ago I decided that the front page of these papers would probably suffice.  I would never have enough room to store all of these silly newspapers over the years...

Now, here I am…July 10, 2014.

      I spent a lot of time trying to decide how I would spend the day today.  I can't even describe the anxiety, fear, and sadness I experienced yesterday in anticipation of today.  The day started by driving out to the bike memorial in Trenton, TN at sunrise.

 

And just what does the traditional 4th Anniversary gift happen to be?!

 

You guessed it...FLOWERS!

Ok, so I HAD to do the cheesy fake rose in the mix with a note saying that I would love him until the last flower dies.  It's true :) 

There was a sweet little ladybug on the bike.

     Once I left the memorial, I trucked it back to Brownsville to pick up my next flower arrangement and Stacie before heading to the cemetery.

FYI, the vases these flowers are in are from our wedding.  They lined the aisle that I walked down as a Miss and back up as a MRS.! :)

     Every year {excluding last year} we watched our wedding dvd on our anniversary.  My Timehop  from 2 years ago says I love watching our wedding video...we laugh, I cry, and we laugh some more!  Such fun memories!  I won't lie.  I was nervous about this.  Really.  Really.  Nervous.  It was so emotional to watch it.  There are little things that I had forgotten, and there were many more things that meant so much to me.  Ralph told us that if we kept Christ as the center of our relationship and kept Him first, death is the only thing that would separate us.  Wow.  The looks on our faces showed that we didn't even consider that possibility.  I still can't even fathom that reality.  Very surreal.
     Another gift I gave Bradford on our wedding day was a journal that I kept since we started "talking."  In it was every Facebook message and email we sent throughout our relationship, along with personal thoughts along the way.  I'm thankful to have this documentation of our relationship.  Reading through some of it today made me sad, but it mostly made me happy to have experienced this love.  Everyone thinks THEIR love is the most unique and special.  I KNOW ours was ;)

Boy, can I relate to that sentiment now.

{sorry...I can NOT get this picture to rotate!}

     Stacie surprised me with flowers for my anniversary yesterday.  Aren't they so pretty?!  Thank you for the flowers and going out there with me today, Stacie.  You never know what you're gonna get with me these days, and you continue to show your bravery.  It's amazing to have friends that you can totally be yourself with, constantly lift you up, and that can literally have your back as you do your thing in the cemetery. I love you! P.S. Extra thanks for getting out of bed so early, too!

GET ME OUT OF HERE!  IT'S TIME FOR A ROAD TRIP!

My sweet friend Taylor planned a trip to go see her dad in Georgia and invited me to come along.

Taylor and my "niece," Millie :)

Of course Ollie had to come!  {Bless his heart...he doesn't know WHERE his home is anymore!}

I love this girl SO much!

Ollie thinks he can just roam wherever he pleases.  And he can. :)

Taylor made me an anniversary cake.  We got chocolate wasted ;)

      Taylor, thank you so much for everything you are for me.  You hit high notes by Mariah and are always prepared with peanut butter M&Ms.  You are an incredible voice of reason and provide much needed validation for me.  I am truly blessed to have you in my life, today and every day. I love you! :)

     THANK YOU to everyone who took time out of their day to call, text, or message me today.  It was a tough and emotionally draining day, but it was amazing to be reminded of the support system that I have.  I am sad.  I am hurting.  But boy am I blessed.

Seasons

To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven: A time to be born, And a time to die; A time to plant, And a time to pluck what is planted; A time to kill, And a time to heal; A time to break down, And a time to build up; A time to weep, And a time to laugh; A time to mourn, And a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, And a time to gather stones; A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing; A time to gain, And a time to lose; A time to keep, And a time to throw away; A time to tear, And a time to sew; A time to keep silence, And a time to speak; A time to love, And a time to hate; A time of war, And a time of peace. 

(Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 NKJV)

Oh yeah...did I mention that my baby brother, Tyler, was to be wed the next day? And that Janna {his bride-to-be} and Ms. Lori {my otha motha & the caterer} were there for the visitation Thursday and the funeral on Friday?! This is a prime example of actions speaking louder than words. I love you, Janna, and am so thankful you were there with us.

              Stacie and I left straight from the cemetery to head down to the rehearsal dinner. I wish so badly that I would have been able to be in two places at once. It was incredibly special to have so many friends and extended family in town and I would have loved more time to catch up with them at our house. Luckily I was beyond the point of feeling like I had to be in control of anything because I couldn't begin to tell you who all was in our home or what happened while I was gone {except for a minor plumbing issue that I didn't find out about until my return home ;) } I'm thankful the Higgins were there to "entertain" our out of town guests and were willing and able to watch Ollie while I was gone. I missed him terribly but knew he was in good hands.

It was so strange to leave my husband’s funeral and head to my brother’s wedding.  We stopped at Popeye’s on the way {one of Bradford’s favs}.  That may have been the first meal I actually ate that week. The trip down was amazing in the fact that I had 5 or so hours to just sit and breathe.  If I needed to talk, cry, whatever…Stacie was just the chauffeur.  I’ll be the first to tell you that wasn’t an easy task!  Thank you, Stacie, for being whatever I needed you to be on that trip. For letting me tell you random memories. For being my shoulder to cry on. For listening to funny voicemails with me {“You must be planning it with Daniel.” “Please bring the hand cream from Norwegia…my hands are super dry and I just need some kind of relief”}  OH, how I miss that crazy guy!  We OBVIOUSLY had to stop by Whataburger to get a malt and shake :)

     We finally made it to the dinner at Janna’s parents’ house.  First of all, it was like a fairy tale…dimly lit out under the great MS pines.  It was incredible!  Tyler announced how thankful they were for everyone to be there and to be a part of their big day and passed out gifts to their wedding party.  Receiving Bradford’s was pretty emotional.  It was probably just the week before that Janna texted me to ask what his initials were.

             Tyler and Janna came up to me and said they wanted to do something in memory of Bradford but only if I was ok with it.  We were going to release lanterns!  I LOVED the idea!  What a cool thing to do…AND in Bradford’s memory?!  “Groovy!”  I kind of felt like I was on The Bachelorette because it was something they did on an episode we watched.  {Yes, he was THAT husband!}

 

The next morning Stacie and I went to get pedicures.  I’ve had my feet rubbed up on innumerable times…but there was NOTHING like the pedi I got that morning!  The lavender, the paraffin wax, ahh…it was JUST what the doctor ordered! 

That awkward moment when you try to sneak a pic of your foot in wax and forget that your volume is turned up loud.  {CLICK!}

 

      Before the wedding I pulled Tyler aside to give him a special gift.  The first year I brought Bradford home for Christmas, Tyler's gift to him came in a McDonald's bag.  A freshly wrapped cheeseburger WALLET!  I thought he might need something to keep that cash in on the honeymoon :)  And let me ease any inquiring minds...YES BRADFORD USED IT!  Mostly around Tyler, though.

I was pretty nervous about how I would manage during the wedding.  This was obviously the first one I would attend without him, and, honestly, weddings were always so much more emotional for me since becoming a bride myself.  Everything about their wedding was absolutely gorgeous!  The bride and groom, the attendants, the pews, the flowers, the sunshine…everything.  The preacher began the ceremony by reading from Ecclesiastes 3 and noting the tragedy of losing Bradford.  What a touching, yet surreal, moment.

I LOVED that Tyler represented Bradford by doing his signature “nod” move!  Thanks for that, Tyler.  You would’ve totally gotten a neck hug or pelvis hug out of that one :)

Here are a few pictures from the day:

 

THE POWER OF PRAYER.

Nothing short of God our Father above got me through that day.  I am CONFIDENT that it was the prayers of so many that helped me endure that time without him.  He helped me by giving me a joyful occasion in which to embrace many people who might’ve otherwise crumbled upon seeing me.  He gave us a beautiful day to witness the bond He instituted.  He gave me happy memories of my own wedding day, remembering how blessed I felt to have this man forever.  I would not have been there, or even off of the ground in my front yard, if it was not for the power of prayer and the hope the Lord has given us.

The following morning we went to church at Kensington Woods Church of Christ.  I can’t BEGIN to tell you how much I miss the brethren there.  This congregation helped to provide the foundation my faith needed and continues to encourage me.  I will express to all of you what I shared with the assembly that morning.  I am experiencing such sorrow and pain and need prayers to continue in my day to day life without him.  It has been and will continue to be a very difficult road to travel.  I also want my brothers and sisters to add more specifics when lifting me up to the Father.  I have been very deliberate and persistent in my prayers for the past couple of years, especially this past one, to be aware of opportunities I have to share the gospel with others.  I don’t want to be caught up in myself, my own selfish desires or foolish ways, and miss any chance to increase the Kingdom.  I in NO WAY believe that God made this accident happen.  He is not in the business of intentionally hurting His children.  Although it has been an unimaginable nightmare I fully trust that He can use this tragedy in a number of ways to teach us valuable lessons.  {I wish so badly that this wouldn’t have happened.  It is such an overwhelmingly intense hurt.  It’s just not fair :( } He has shown us how quickly our lives can end…with no warning.  We may not have tomorrow.  We may not even have another breath.  WE MUST BE READY.  And as Christians, we must help others to be ready, too.  Although my body is suffering from a type of exhaustion I never knew existed, my spirit has been renewed and revitalized with greater purpose.  If I’m going to be exhausted, I want to be exhausted for His cause.  I want to pray too much.  I want to study too much.  I want to dig deeply in His Word with others too much.  I want too many people in the church.  I want to see too many people I know and love in heaven. 

“Death is only the beginning of everything I’m living my life for.”  My brother, Bradley, shared this verse of a song with me recently and I LOVE IT!  It truly is.  People have been there to help me in amazing ways over these past 3 months.  They have done things that I physically have not been able to do.  I want to continue in my Christian walk by giving back to others by sharing the hope that is in me.  Please know that I would love to share more about this with you. I want to help you on your journey.  I want to spend eternity with God, Bradford, and YOU!

Is this real life?!

          

           It is God who arms me with strength, And makes my way perfect. (Psalms 18:32 NKJV)

          The fog was pretty thick over the next several days.  Every move I made {and still make} and every conversation I had {and still have} seemed so surreal.  {Is this real life?!}  I can remember MAKING myself breathe because it wasn’t happening very well naturally.

            Moments after I had gotten out of the shower and Stacie had gotten back to my house there was a knock on the door—and thus began the love and encouragement from friends.  Jeanna {the funeral director’s wife} and our friend Amanda came over soon after hearing the news.  Jeanna was with Jody when he was told he needed to have someone come and get Bradford.  I can still see Jeanna’s face and hands as she told me how she expressed to him that he was MY husband.  I was thankful to have people there with me…to experience the sadness with me…to sit in shock and disbelief with me.  I was also thankful to have a couple of smiles.  If it seems impossible to muster up even a semblance of a grin after the night I’d just had, you just don’t know Amanda and Jeanna. ;)

            I gathered a few things, my sweet Ollie baby, and headed to Stacie’s for the night.  We got out paper and a pen and started making a plan for what needed to be done.  I needed to call so many people, but it was after 1am at this point {I think?!}.  I would call them first thing in the morning.  I actually texted several people to call me as soon as they got the text, no matter what time.

            I NEED TO TAKE A TIME-OUT and say that there really needs to be a rule book with guidelines on what needs to be done in the moments following this type of devastation, not that I would have ever read it prior to that night.  There were a few things in which I didn’t know what the protocol should be.  I’ve already called my immediate family.  Do I call and wake my friends?  And cause them not to sleep?  Knowing they can’t do anything to “fix” this?  Or do I let them rest because I’m sure going to need them?  I chose the latter.

            I “went to bed” around 2:30.  I can remember being in that foreign, dark room.  Without him.  I went from sobbing to shock and a mixture of everything in between multiple times in the hours to come.  I never slept that night.  My body was totally exhausted but didn’t even begin to try falling asleep.  Taylor and Sami Jo both called me in the wee early hours of the morning and I told them the news.  They couldn’t sleep and eventually made it over to Stacie’s to be with me.  It was so strange.  I was at my best friend’s house…telling my best friends from college…about my BEST friend’s death.

I drank my 1^st Diet Coke in 4 months that morning.  And it was so bad/good.

            Natalie and Brittany came over before the sun came up.  We cried as I relived the night with them.  Although I was in such a deep, dark place, I can remember a moment that I looked around the room and saw my closest friends gathered around me.  Friends who have spent countless hours laughing and rejoicing with me were now weeping with me.  Words can’t express how blessed I am to have these girls {There will be a future post on just HOW blessed I am to have them!}.

            Only one of these ladies went to work that day {and I KNOW it’s only because she didn’t have a choice}.  They took the day off and we eventually went to my house.  Operation Clean the Higgins’ Home was about to begin.  I tried to warn them that there was no telling what they were about to walk into.  It was the first moment of many in which I felt that I needed help with something I could not do myself.  From now on when I need to do some tidying up, I’m totally calling my “Merry Maids” friends to help a sister out!  They got it done quickly and with little to no verbalizing what hoarders we might or might not have been.  THANKS for everything!

            Although it was such a sorrowful day, I don’t know how to adequately express how overwhelmingly blessed I felt having so many friends, acquaintances, church members, and family members in our home.  There were countless tears shed, plates of food brought, paper goods used, Kleenexes thrown away, and warm embraces shared within those 4 walls.  It was a place of intense sadness, but it was also a place overflowing with love.  I am so grateful for every act of kindness and every prayer lifted up on our families’ behalf.  THANK YOU a hundred times over!

            My parents, brothers {Bradley and Tyler}, and Lauren {Bradley’s fiancé} arrived around lunch.  I was so grateful to have them SAFELY there with me.  There were so many hugs I received that day, but there is nothing in this world like a Momma hug.  Bradford’s parents, Dennis and Carolyn, arrived a little while later.  The mother and father of the man I loved were there with me.  And he wasn’t.  What a slap in the face from reality.  I honestly think I blocked those first few moments with them from my mind because of the intensity of the pain.  I needed ALL of our families there with me from the moment I found out.  We loved and missed our families every day and were always so happy to have them with us.  What a bitterly bittersweet encounter.

            My dad stayed at the house while the rest of our families went to the funeral home to make arrangements.  Make arrangements.  For my husband.  It’s just so surreal.  We all gathered around the table and discussed the things that would take place in the days to come.  I felt nauseous the whole time because there was no way this was really happening to me.  This only happens to other people.  It was easy for me to get caught up in my own sadness, but I found myself imagining what it would be like to be in others’ shoes throughout this visit.  His poor mom and dad, burying their only son.  My parents, saying goodbye their favorite son-in-law.  My brothers, laying their brother to rest.  And poor little Lauren over there.  What a horrible and terrifying experience. 

Jody Lea is a class-act in his profession.  I can’t imagine a more devastating and emotional experience, but he made it the easiest and best it could be.  It takes a special person to be in his line of work.  I am grateful for his kind and tender spirit as he listened to our wants and needs.  He went above and beyond.  This conversation was really difficult, but not as painful as it had been the night before with someone who should NOT be in this line of work.  He recommended that we have a closed casket visitation and funeral.  How could I even bear that?  It seemed so wild that I would never have the chance to see my Hun’s face again.  I asked him if I could at least see his hands just so I could know it was him… That didn’t really sound like a possibility either.  There we sat…in a deeper level of disbelief.

            We made our way to the casket room {yes, there is actually a room with samples of the options you have}.  It was pretty weird that I walked in and knew immediately which one would be his.  Maybe the lighting in the room is set up to draw people that way, but it just seemed like the perfect one for him.  It was very earthy; wooden and carved.  There is no doubt in my mind that is the one he would have chosen for himself.  I’m just glad the rest of the family agreed.

            As if my heart could be any more broken, his sisters arrived, shattering it into a million more pieces.  Those 3 had such a close kinship and it hurt so much to see and share their pain.  It really is difficult for me to remember much else from that evening. 

            Carolyn’s family has several burial plots in Memphis, so she, Dennis, and I met with the folks there Thursday morning to make arrangements for his funeral the following day.  We’ve had a lot of great adventures together and had plans for many more.  This wasn’t exactly in those plans.  In fact, when they were visiting 2 weekends before, I wondered how in the WORLD I would be able to be there for him when his parents passed away.  I couldn’t imagine.  Wow.  Anyways, we discussed various unreal things on the way, namely the funeral {the who, what, where business}.  My gut still hurts even thinking about how painful that was and still is.

            Glenda went to Trenton, cleaned out his car, and brought all of his belongings from the police department to me that afternoon.  Receiving his keys is probably the most vivid memory I have from that dreadful day.  Again, I’m so grateful she was so strong and brave to do something none of us could have done.  Thank you, Glenda and Stacie, for all you did and for our pow wow in the bathroom {the only private place in my house}.  I won’t ever forget it.

            As I got ready to go to the visitation, I noticed Ollie curled up on the couch all by himself.  That was the moment I knew that he was aware of his Poppa being gone.  Ollie waited for Bradford on the couch every single night and I totally lost it as I told him that he wasn’t going to be coming back to our house anymore.  {I am completely serious when I say I don’t know how people explain to their children that they’ve lost their father.  I couldn’t even get the words out with a dog.  A DOG!  Our dog…}

            We saw Jody by the side doors when we pulled up to go inside the funeral home. He asked me if I knew that the casket was open.  OPEN!  This was the first I had heard of it so I had him close it so I could come inside and talk with Bradford's parents about it.  The previous day we all decided we would have his uncle to view him beforehand and let us know whether or not it would be a good idea. 

I CAN’T IMAGINE HOW I WOULD BE COPING NOW IF I HADN’T SEEN HIM!

It already seems unreal enough as it is, and I saw him.  I touched him.

Overwhelmed.  Amazed.  Impressed.  Heartbroken.  Thankful.  Saddened.  Blessed.

There aren’t enough words to describe what I recall about the night of the visitation.  We saw SO many people.  We expected many of them who came, but I was amazed by the multitude that showed up to pay their respects and offer condolences.  It was tough to see so many that knew and loved him in such a depressing situation, but it was also amazing to hear of the impact that he made on so many.  What a legacy he left behind.  I’ve KNOWN my life was forever changed the moment he became a part of it, but it was awesome to hear the same from others.  It was a long night, but it actually went by really quickly.  The comparison I’m about to make is kind of strange, but it was kind of like on our wedding day when we were only able to briefly converse with those who were nearest and dearest to us.

            My lack of sleep was starting to take its toll on me.  I was so exhausted, but I had so much to do.  There was so much I wanted and needed to do.  I was feeling guilty because I had not had the time to “create” anything.  I did not have the time to make a cool board with pictures of him or cut out any of his signature phrases with my Cricut.  It was all I could do to gather up some pictures for the slideshow and collect various frames and memorabilia.  I did not even sit down to write what I wanted to have said at his funeral until 2am!  There was simply no time, and like I said, exhaustion was setting in.  I have to give a shout out to my sweet daddy who proofread it for me whenever I woke him up upon completing it.

            April 11, 2014 was a continuation of the night before.  We had an hour or so of visitation before the funeral.  I was ASTOUNDED by the number of people that I saw, knowing the distance that many of them traveled.  Whether people trekked across town or across the nation, I was touched by each one there.  We’ve been blessed with an incredible number of people who love us and our families.

            I don’t really want to write much about his funeral other than I think it was exactly how he would have planned it.  It was formal and it was informal.  It was unbearable and hysterical.  There was talk of our Savior and Manchester United. It seems ironic for me to even think of his funeral as beautiful.  Here I go again with this beautiful ache…

            I laid {who I always referred to as} my MOST fav to rest that day.  I don’t remember anything that was said at his graveside.  I will never forget seeing him lowered into the ground, leaving enough room for me to be above him one day.  I will never forget seeing the dirt being dumped into that deep, cold hole.

            I will never forget the happiest, warmest, most amazing years of my life with Bradford Higgins.