Sunday, September 21, 2014

Sometimes the 4am Tears Just Get to Me...




It doesn't matter how much I want to have a positive attitude. It doesn't matter how desperately I long to personify God's handiwork. It doesn't matter how many events I attend or work days I show up with a seemingly joyful smile...

This stinks. Grief has been an unexpected ride, full of highs {ehh, that's relative} and many, many lows. No matter what I do, Bradford is on my mind. I've missed him every second, but there were a few things I did this week that just REALLY didn't feel right without him. I couldn't help but imagine what he would say or do if he was with me.

I KNOW that God is the only one who can fulfill my deepest desires. I've got that. It doesn't change the fact that I'm so sad without my husband and tired of being the girl going through my daily life trying to make sense of it all without him by my side. I'm tired of having to think so much about making plans instead of just automatically having them with him. I'm tired of trying to remember things on my own. I'm tired of forgetting things. I'm tired of soaking his pillow with tears. I'm tired of feeling guilty if I've gone days without crying. I'm just flat out TIRED!

I've felt very out of character these past 5 months. It's not like me to be stuck in such a dark place. A few weeks after losing him, a dear friend told me that even though I'm going through the motions of everyday life, she can tell I seem uncomfortable in my own skin. I would like to think that isn't true, but reality is that half of me is gone. It makes me think about weight loss shows. Sometimes participants lose so much that they are able to have their excess skin cut off. I think I'm just clinging to mine right now, as ugly as it may be.

Please pray for me. I don't even know what to specifically ask for anymore, but trust that God will know what to do. I will be ok! I just need to wallow in my own self-pity every once in a while.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

My God is My Provider

In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ, whom having not seen you love. Though now you do not see Him, yet believing, you rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, receiving the end of your faith—the salvation of your souls. I Peter 1:6-9


In the moment, it's sometimes difficult to know how God is working in our lives. We will never fully understand the ways he provides for us, playing a role in seemingly every day, ordinary situations, ultimately preparing us for great things. Looking back over my life I can see the "big" ones. If we hadn't moved to MS I would've never gone to Kensington Woods. If I hadn't gone to Kensington Woods, I wouldn't have been a part of our youth campaigns with Roebuck. If I hadn't done that, I wouldn't have gone to Freed-Hardeman. If I hadn't gone there, I wouldn't have ever met and married Bradford {although he always told me that he believed God would've found SOME way to bring us together}. If I hadn't gone to FHU, I wouldn't have made the awesome friendships I did, helping to shape who I am, and ultimately landing me in Brownsville. And if I'd never come to Brownsville...

Last fall, my best friend went through a difficult loss. The long and short of it is that her husband decided that he no longer wanted to be married to her. {He didn't get the memo that you can't have a wife AND a girlfriend. OOOPS!} They were the ideal couple. They made each other laugh, seemingly respected one another, and even still talked in that ooshy gooshy voice on the phone. She happily cared for him in ways many other women don't care for their husbands. She spoke of him in ways many other women don't speak of their husbands. Even at his worst, he was her best. When she told me, I was in shock. It was unbelievable. It seemed he was just having some sort of temporary insanity. She really seemed like the best wife! And he, a great husband! There were so many ways I wanted to be like her in my own marriage.

Watching someone you love face difficult times when you can't do anything to fix it is one of the most helpless and heartbreaking feelings. {This is something those nearest and dearest to me have expressed time and time again since losing Bradford.} The months leading up to her divorce were devastating and overwhelming...and it wasn't even MY marriage!

"Coincidentally," our Wednesday night Bible study was on suffering. We looked to the scriptures to determine the benefits and dangers of suffering and God's part in it all. We discussed all sorts of ways people suffer, directly or indirectly. Why do children die? Why do members of our family suffer from cancer or other diseases? Why are there natural disasters? WHY IS THERE SO MUCH SUFFERING?! AND WHERE IS GOD WHILE IT'S HAPPENING?? I sat through week after week in this study, tears constantly streaming down my face. {I know people assumed iiiiiii was going through something. She hadn't made this public yet and I certainly wasn't going to share it}. Everything said could somehow relate to the heartache she was facing.

I shared my notes with her each week.  I’ve asked sweet Stacie to share her experience with us and express how she was able to see God working and helping her through it:

I remember kneeling before God and pleading with him to save my marriage. I had made promises to him and my husband that I planned on keeping until death do us part. My husband had not taken those promises so seriously.

In the children's book, Because of Winn Dixie, there is a sentence that I connected with. The sentence says, You can only love something as long as it will let you. I clearly remember reading this passage to a room full of 2nd graders. My eyes began to fill with tears as I realized just how true this statement was for myself and the man that I loved. My husband walked out the door. He never looked back. He left his home, our dog, and the life that we had built together.
Sad does not even begin to describe how I felt. It was a struggle every day to put one foot in front of the other. Smiling and greeting people seemed impossible. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I was in a very dark place.

My sister was out of town the weekend I discovered the affair. I called Brittany and told her to come over and quick. I told her everything and she was in as much shock as I was. You see, I had a happy marriage. My husband was very good to me, showered me with love, and always treated me with so much kindness. Many days I felt so bad for Brittany. I was absolutely miserable and I know I was terrible to be around. Not to mention the fact that everyone was asking her what was wrong with me and she had to keep my secret until I was ready to tell. 

This is where our friendship got deep. Her church was doing a study on suffering. She shared all the information with me. These papers truly SAVED me. They helped me to work through all the pain and rejection I was feeling. They gave me hope for the future.

Want to know the coolest thing about all those papers that Brittany shared with me on suffering? They are all in Bradford's handwriting. You see he knew all about the struggles I was facing. He wanted to help me too. I remember going to their house for dinner one night and Bradford and I had some time alone while Brittany finished cooking. He asked me about how I was doing and had some suggestions for me as I faced more difficult days ahead. I always told Brittany that one day Bradford would be a personal counselor. He had an ability to set you at ease and give Biblical insights to help lead your path. Brittany told me once that she heard Bradford praying aloud for me. My heart was touched.

This is the part where the way God was providing for me seemed to become clearer. I was finally beginning to feel like myself again, my divorce was final, and I was very content with life. Then on April 8th as I was taking Brittany home she received the MOST DEVASTATING news. That night I remember laying on the grass, holding Brittany, and thinking, how could this be happening? God? What do we do now?

God has prepared in us a friendship like family. I was able to take care of Brittany the way she had taken care of me. Then one day after things began to settle down a little, I looked at Brittany and said, THE PAPERS!  The papers that were in Bradford's handwriting! The papers that were all about suffering! I knew these papers and the messages within them were a part of God's providence. Bradford had prepared a gift for Brittany. I knew these papers would give her hope for the future on the dark days ahead.

Oh, and speaking of God's providence... Did I mention that the very week that Brittany received the news, the apartment connected to my home had just been completely renovated and was ready for a renter? Brittany is now mostly settled in that apartment. I can hear her sweet Ollie barking as I write this entry. She is close. We are here for each other. She is the definition of a friend.

One thing I know for sure is that God takes care of us. He took care of me. He is taking care of Brittany. Sometimes you just have to look at the sky and ask God for just one ray of sunshine. Don't you, Brittany? I hope that the future blogs she shares on suffering will help you as much as the have helped us.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

-Stacie Lefave
 
*I really don’t know how to best respond to that.  When she sent me this, it took me back to all of these dark times we’ve been through together.  We’ve truly seen each other at our worst.  I am so incredibly grateful for you, Stacie, and I could never fully express how much your friendship means to me.  I know God will give us many more rays of sunshine… :)  Oh, and you really weren't THAT terrible to be around :)
...
 It's crazy how sometimes I think I've figured God out. I am confident that God used me through that class to reach out and help my friend through the biggest challenge she's ever faced. It's even crazier how I can limit God. I mean, that seemed like such a big deal at the time...and it really was. I spent so much time digging through those scriptures with her and studying those concepts and truths with her.

What I learned:
-God doesn't MAKE those things happen, but He does allow them.
-Things could always be worse. I mean, look at poor ol’ Job.
-God WILL provide for His own, if only in the next life. We need only make it through this one as His faithful children.
-There are benefits we can receive through suffering.  {Wait, what?!}
-Did I mention things could always be worse?!

I felt like I was beginning to have a little clarity concerning this thing called life. Through her suffering I was able to cling to the good things I had. I can remember her telling me to hold my husband extra tight at night...and I truly did! Her trials helped me endure a rough patch I faced in my own marriage. I learned not to take him for granted and that individuals can only truly control themselves.

I can't imagine how differently my grief would have been or could have been had I not been so immersed in Scriptures and God's promises to His children.  I want to share everything that we discussed in class to maybe, just MAYBE, reach someone who is struggling with a hurt that seems unbearable.  For now I will just leave you with part of Bradford’s notes on the benefits of suffering…

Monday, September 1, 2014

Home is Where the Heart is


For my husband is not at home; He has gone on a long journey.
Proverbs‬ ‭7‬:‭19
Today is the day I have been longing for and dreading all at the same time.  I am finally COMPLETELY moved out of my old house, OUR house.  It feels weird just locking up and driving away, so I am going to sit in this unfurnished place and write to my Hun about some memories we’ve made here.

Bradford,
Well, the good news is that I don’t ever have to wake up another morning and not see you in our kitchen making your coffee! I'm overcome with so many emotions as I prepare to leave this house we've called home for 4 years.  You know me...I'm kind of a freak when it comes to sentimental things.  I had to take pictures of each room and I want to remind you of some of my most precious memories with you here...




This is the dining room we rarely used.  When we first moved stuff in here it was an excellent place to store all of our wedding gifts.  We had SO many, but we didn’t want to use them until we were officially married.  I can still see your bikes leaned up against the wall in here.  Anytime we were to have company over I would ask you to move them {because I learned really quickly not to touch them myself!}.  You never understood what the big deal was, but {usually} moved them anyways with a smile on your face.  This is the room we played cards so many times with your family, OUR family.  I remember when we first got Ollie he loved to come to his secret spot in here to potty.  You tried to outsmart him by putting a potty pad there.  You’re a genius! :)  I remember this room being a disaster for weeks as I painted the china cabinet your mom gave us {don’t worry folks, I had permission}.  I remember having friends over many times as we attempted making dinner for them.  I can remember you were so funny this one time we had an adult couple over.  You grilled porkloin and I made cheesy ranch potatoes.  When they left the room you gave me your open mouthed, high-arched eyebrows smile and told me that we were like REAL adults!  I also remember how overflowing this room was with friends and family after your graduation.  It was always so fun to get both of our families together.  I remember even more clearly after you left this earth how many plates of food, people, paper products, and plants were jam packed in here.  You would’ve loved visiting with all of your favorites!

Here is the laundry room that was constantly used!  Boy, have I missed doing your laundry.  We didn’t spend a lot of time in here together, but sitting here I am reminded of some things.  I was always appreciative that you emptied your pockets.  I never ruined a load of laundry due to your gum or pens.  You were so particular about your laundry in wanting it to be “just so.”  Your pants had to be folded with the back pockets touching, the crotch facing the left with the hook curving to the right.  I think.  I never was too good at remembering that ;)  You gave me several lessons and fully recognized what a freak you were for it ;)  I can remember our hot water heater not working and you becoming handy man Higgins in your attempt to fix it.  The pilot had been blown out and you needed my help to see if it came on {this worked best at night when it was dark in here}.  I was always scared you were going to blow your face off, or at least singe your eyebrows, because of the warning about how many times you could push the igniter.  You weren't skeered!


Our kitchen was one of your favorite places.  I don’t know HOW you stayed so thin!  I can still see you in here making your coffee, espresso, or fudge.  You really did make the best fudge!  You would often come up behind me and hold me while I made our dinner.  We had a lot of taco night dance parties in here.  I’m still not sure why we didn’t have manwich night dance parties or shrimp bowtie pasta night dance parties ;) When you cleaned the kitchen you REALLY cleaned it!  I loved when you did the dishes because you paid such close attention to the detail in disinfecting things.  How many women can say their husbands do THAT?!  I can still see you in here making my lunch.  You really were the best!  I just remembered one week when there were so many storms.  We drug the mattress from one of our beds to sleep on the kitchen floor so we could get under the little table in the hallway if we needed to.  You were somehow able to make me forget my fear of storms as we laughed at how crazy but funny we were.


We always called this the zebra room, even after we switched the comforters.  We really never spent much time in here together besides the occasional nap.  This was unofficially my other room since I kept my school bags and winter clothes in here.  I grew up sleeping in this bed, and I never dreamed it would actually sit in the home I shared with my most fantastic love.  I’ve hidden many of your gifts in here, too!


Oh boy, the office.  I’m sorry I griped at you about this room so much.  This was your other room and the source of many a fuss.  You never understood why it was so important to me to have EVERY room of our house clean when we were having company over. ;)  I can still see you coming in here to clean your guns and organize your comics .  Although the room was usually a disaster, your closet was always much more organized than mine.  Thanks for even sharing a little space in it with me.  I can still see all of your school books in here.  You kept a lot of helpful books, but your favorite was always the DSM.  We had a lot of fun “diagnosing” people!  HAHA!

Here’s the bathroom.  Although I always looked forward to the day we would have 2 bathrooms, I never took for granted the fact that we had 2 sinks.  We’ve brushed our teeth together in here many, many times.  In fact, I always tried to hold out and brush as long as you did.  If there was a part of you that was going to be clean, it was your mouth.  I can remember showering in here and you would come in here to use the restroom.  You could always tell a major difference in the temperature of the water when the toilet flushed so you were always sure to say FLUSHING when you were done.  Sometimes it would startle me because I didn’t even know you were in here!  I would jokingly reply with SCALDING although I didn’t really notice a difference.  When we first got married I always cut your hair.  We would come in here, cut apart a trash bag and you would get down on all fours for me to buzz your hair.  This is the last place I ever saw you.  I can still see your feet standing on that rug Ollie loved to chew on and looking up to kiss you and tell you bye.  I can remember coming in here to cry so many times in the days and weeks that followed your death.  Some of my absolute worst moments were in this tiny room.

And our bedroom. Don’t worry, I’ll keep this rated G ;) Two of my most favorite times with you in here were in your last week of life.  I’ll never forget you coming in that Tuesday night after playing tennis and just sitting on the side of the bed, holding my hand, and talking.  I can remember thinking in that moment how simple, yet perfect, it was.  The Sunday afternoon before your accident I had SO much school work to do.  I decided I was exhausted and we should take a nap.  I can still feel your sweet arms around me.  We accidentally slept for a few hours and when we woke up we just laid there looking at each other.  It was pure and simple. I can’t tell you how many times since you’ve been gone I’ve pictured that very afternoon where I just gazed into those beautiful blue eyes.  It was perfect.

I don’t think there was EVER a time you simply walked down the hall.  You ALWAYS jumped up and head-butted the string you pull to get to the attic!  One time when Bradley was visiting we decided to pull it up a couple of inches to see if you would notice.  You came by and just pulled it down.  How do you know these things?!
 

We did a lot of living in this living room.  Most nights consisted of us chilling on the couch watching TV and working or me scratching your head and you scratching my leg.  We had it all worked out!  You were so dedicated to your job and would often have papers and your planner strewn out working on session notes or treatment plans.  This is where I would find you early on Saturday mornings watching Manchester United play.  I can still see you doing your little dance where you pick up your knees and push your arms in and out {I don’t know how else to describe it.  I know I will remember exactly what this is when I read it in the future!}  I can still see you on the trainer drinking your Mio water and watching Big Bang Theory.  As I sit where we placed our Christmas tree every year I can still see you unloading that itchy thing and us decorating it.  I always loved exchanging gifts with you, especially gifts that make me seem ignorant {cue the charcoal path to your GAS grill! Hahaha!}.  I can still hear your car backing into the driveway...

As I get ready to leave this place for the final time I am overwhelmed with happy memories I made with you. I really did love it here.  It hasn’t been home for almost 5 months since you have been gone.  I truly understand this popular quote:
This is just a dwelling place without you.  It has stored our belongings and provided shelter for me many nights.  I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a little bit nervous about this next phase in my grief, not having this house to visit when I want to feel closer to you.   I am, however, very excited to not have the stress of going through our things and moving them anymore.  Just know that if home is where the heart is that YOU are my home.
Missing you every second of every day,
Brittany, your Sug